[indigo1015]

I haven't been on here in awhile, but I am so stressed that I am pulling out all the stops and tapping into whatever support I can get, be it online or in person.

Over this past year, I've lost a considerable amount of weight (I don't know the exact amount because I refuse to know my weight-- all I know is I'm much smaller than before). I'm happy that my health has improved so drastically and that I am feeling more energetic, but now it seems I have a new problem-- I am struggling with a new eating disorder. I feel very ashamed all the time, I can't stand eating in public for fear that someone will comment on it, even though my snacks and meals are healthy. I'm living on low calories a day, even though my nutritionist says I should have a much higher daily intake. I can't stop thinking about food. My therapist (who specializes in eating disorders) is very compassionate and kind, and she is very good technically, but she admits she has never experienced what I have gone through, and sometimes you just need to talk to someone who understands your pain from a personal position. I am terribly scared of gaining weight, even though my nutritionist has explained to me how maintaining the good habits I have set up (proper nutrition, exercising the right amount) will keep me where I am. I was treated so horribly when I was obese, by the general population and by doctors as well-- in fact, if I can help it, I never want to see a doctor ever again. Their attitudes and demeanor towards me when I was overweight were shockingly bad. For example, I would ask them for advice on how to lose weight, and all they would say is that there are no magic pills-- I wasn't asking for a magic pill, I was asking for practical advice. That and other kinds of behavior have soured my view of them. I can't even talk about my weight loss to my friends-- all they say is how great I look now, they have no understanding whatsoever of the pain I am dealing with, and I feel that, because of their limited understanding and experience with having an eating disorder, it is hopeless to explain it to them.

Please, I need to know there are others out there who are going or have gone through the same thing. Please...

[CANDC]

Dear Indigo, congratulations on dealing with the excessive weight challenge!

I am worried that it could be taken too far if caloric intake is not increased. There was a period of my life when I went down to skin and bone. People thought I was going to get really sick. Fortunately I got help and started eating a high protein diet. The high protein diet did not pack on the weight, but I stabilized and over time got back to a healthy appearance.

I am really sorry to hear you feel so bad about eating. The fear of getting over weight can sometimes cause people to undereat and keep losing weight. This can be a very serious situation. I respect your right to a good looking body but am concerned that if you keep on this intake, serious problems could occur. Maybe what your nutritiionist says could be adapted or modified to your situation.

We need dedicated people like you that can face their situation and deal with the excesses of too much or too little weight. The middle road is the safest one.

[indigo1015]

I don't need a good-looking body, I need a healthy body. Just wanted to clarify that.

[eskielover]

I went from just right all my life to way too little, unhealthy & ended up in & out of the medical hospital for several years forced to have central lines & IV nutrition. Then for a couple of years, dealing with continuous migraine headaches & horrible side effects to medications one that was like having parkinson's where I couldn't even walk & it was difficult to even coordinate feeding myself.....but with the inactivity, I ended up gaining more than I had ever weighed in my life & more than my Mom ever weighed (something I swore I would never do)......then I got sick with asthma after a forest fire smoke caused that & I everything tasted like smoke & I couldn't stand to eat, then stress on top of that & I lost almost all the weight I had gained. The stress was long term & my mom was dying of cancer & the trauma that the home care person caused me was the final straw & landed in the medical hospital again with a central line & IV nutrition. It took me 2 years to get back to a healthy weight because of the bad marriage I was living in & I really wanted to JUST DISAPPEAR...but 2 years after that & I was just back at what was considered my lowest healthy weight. I was able to leave the marriage & for the last 7 years I have been holding right around the healthy weight.....up & down to it depending on the stresses. Living alone is a good incentive for me to stay at a healthy weight because I can't afford to get sick since I have to take care of myself.....but quite often, I'm lazy about cooking & living out in the country, fast food isn't an option. I'm stable up & down to my lowest healthy weight....must be healthy because I've only been sick for a couple of days since leaving my H 7 years ago & staying at the healthy weight does help.

Maintaining for me is tricky.....& when I do end up gaining a little more than I feel is acceptable I will usually back off on the amount I eat & it keeps me in the healthy weight zone.....it can be done....but I have to admit, I'm worried that having the major oral surgery after the first of the year in order to get my dentures, may seriously trigger a weight loss as it will be difficult eating for a long while after that.....like 4 months of healing before then can even do the implants......we will see what happens as pain & the inability to eat solid food isn't going to help me maintain my healthy weight.

[brwneydgrl2992]

I promise you, you're not alone- please PM me if you want to talk

[Buttercup40]

I have recovered from Anorexia in the past and also relapsed a few times.
I think about food constantly, I have a love/hate relationship with it.
It has taken over my life once again,
The fear about gaining weight and the self loathing I have of myself when I do, the disgust and guilt I feel each time.
I have no energy, constantly feeling exhausted and at times I just want to hibernate and wake up after winter has gone.

[Fuzzybear]

[indigo1015]

Thank you :-) And happy holidays!

Originally Posted by brwneydgrl2992

I promise you, you're not alone- please PM me if you want to talk

[indigo1015]

That is how I feel a lot of the time too :-( I trust my nutritionist and think she is being honest with me, but at the same time I am so afraid of gaining weight...

Originally Posted by Buttercup40

I have recovered from Anorexia in the past and also relapsed a few times.
I think about food constantly, I have a love/hate relationship with it.
It has taken over my life once again,
The fear about gaining weight and the self loathing I have of myself when I do, the disgust and guilt I feel each time.
I have no energy, constantly feeling exhausted and at times I just want to hibernate and wake up after winter has gone.