[CalmingOcean]

I hate talking to some people about my eating disorder, mainly because mainstream people automatically assume it is solely for superficial reasons- oh you wanna look like all the celebs- I couldn't give a ****- oh you want to be skinny- yes, because I assume so much unhappiness with being fat and nothing else.

I was a Victim of CSA and as a 7 year old you don't have much else to turn too beside food. It was my comfort and escape, along with the world inside my head. I got fat, really fat. And stayed that way into teens. Then I found drugs and alcohol and eating was no longer a priority. Once I decided I wanted more for myself years later I quit cold turkey and food come back into my life stronger than before. That's when I got really good at purging, learning all the tips. I yoyoed between b/ping and restricting for so many years. It was like a cycle, only easing up when alcohol and drugs came back. Self ha was just a little extra boost of mood enhancement.

I remember when the binge purge was really bad I gained LOADS of weight, so now that I am in another b/p cycle, I associate gaining weight with being terribly depressed and not wanting to leave the house etc. this time I am loosing loads of weight, probably a combo of restricting and I know this probably just fuels the ED on, but even tho it's superficial happy, seeing the weight go down on the scale makes me feel so much better than any drug could.

Out of everything, I was a coke head, acid and mescaline where at least a 4 day a week ordeal, drinking was everyday? I was a desperate alcoholic, stealing liquor if I would spill a drink of rum I would (very embarrassed to admit) slurp it up off the counter or even the floor I was that desperate. I could finish a 2-6 on my own... Out of all of that this ****ing ED is the hardest to let go. Part of me stills tells myself, it's not hurting anything. 10 more pounds and I will be done... It's an obsession and maybe I still need an obsession because I am not ready to deal with life.

I love and hate my ED.

[eskielover]

For me, stress growing up always caused me to feel sick & not want to eat & when I did eat, somehow, my stress metabolism would cause me to loose a lot of weight. My life was so normal that it never turned into an ED. Growing up I was really active, marching band & horsemanship classes in highschool & college & really always sort of ate on the run.

I always promised myself that I wouldn't let myself go like my mother did after she got married & had me (she claimed that made her gain weight).....so I made sure I didn't gain any more weight than my baby after getting married & getting pregnant......was proud of myself actually that I didn't gain any more than my baby. Refused to have any junk food in the house & I swam every day & rode horses & even was skiing the week before I had my daughter. Graduated with my degree & got a great engineering career & played racquetball with the guys every day at lunch (I was one of only a couple of women in a mostly man's career in those days. That kept my weight very stable & I was in good shape. I needed all the energy I could get to keep going with all that I was involved in as I also performed with my flute & was treasurer of our home owner's association so I couldn't allow myself to weigh as little as I would have liked to....besides...muscles weigh more in the first place.....our winter vacations were snow skiing in Jackson Hole Wyo where we owned a time share condo that we used EVERY YEAR for the family & friend get together.

So......

The ED actually started when I was 42.....the stress that hit wasn't just like studying for mid terms or breaking up with a BF......I ended up loosing my career. What I didn't know at the time was that the bad marriage relationship was building up & all those times I wanted a divorce.....had added up....but I nor no one else realized this.

Anxiety hit then depression & suicide attempts & I no longer had my career because aerospace industry fell apart in Calif & I ended up t rapped in a very bad position that I hated......pdoc was trying meds on me like I was a guinea pig....in & out of the mental hospital.....& then pdoc decided to prescribe prozac....& for me...it took my already bad appetite completely away & I lost so much weight & because I had always wanted to be thin & not like my mother, they put me in an eating disorders treatment center from just before Thanksgiving until after the 1st of the year.....just about 18 years ago. By that time, I was also focusing on doing dressage horse riding & would ride for hours.....& without eating because the prozac really made me feel sick....on top of the stress of realizing that my whole life was pretty much over as I had wanted it defined to be. I got out of the treatment center & really wanted the anorexia to kill me....but that didn't happen & everytime for about the next year when I would pass out, I would end up in the medical hospital with a central line & IV nutrition...not what I wanted....but it did get me out of having to live in the same house as my H.....that went on for almost 4 years while my migraines were also really horrible & making me totally sick but around 2000, I ended up having my weight go in the opposite direction without even binging.

That condition lasted about 3 years & then the summer of 2004, my horse was pregnant & there was a bad forest fire that caused me to have an asthma attack that landed me in the medical hospital for 10 days & that was the start of my loosing again.....& it triggered a massive weight loss & not eating....everything tasted like forest fire smoke so I couldn't stand the taste of food. At the same time my mother's cancer after her surgery was getting worse & I needed to watch out for her & my mare had her foal but at 3 weeks old she injured her leg & that required my care several times a day out at the ranch......& I didn't have time to eat & I really couldn't even imagine eating at that point......so the weight started to fall off. Then came Thanksgiving & the realization of how bad my mother really was while she was still in denial...so there was no reasonable communication with her. (I also think she had a mild stroke from the blood clots in her legs because she didn't have her normal cognative ability that her oncologist brushed off.....then this woman managed to manipulate her way into being the home care person....this women was the neighbor & friend of my mother's BF......the trauma that hit because of her & the abuse that she put my mother through while I was there & trying to figure out what was happening.......felt my own life was being threatened......& the weight began to crash. I couldn't eat....& didn't want to eat.....& loosing so much weight...I liked being that thin......so there was no desire to gain the weight back......It was like the previous time...I wasn't working & being active like I had been all my life so loosing weight by not eating & keeping my weight lower by not eating has become my standard of life.....

Stress is always the trigger for loosing weight & not wanting or feeling like eating but then the loosing weight almost becomes addictive in that I keep wanting to loose just a little more.....I catch myself even now getting into that mode.....I have a safe range & living alone with no one to take care of me when I get too weak to take care of myself. What I find is that even within the safe range, I have the restrictive eating at times & it's not easy to make it stop once it gets started

There have been lots of studies done on what starts the ED behaviors & they have found that many do have CSA in their background no matter what the ED.....some have had abortions that have triggered the behavior...maybe not when it happens but later on......trauma's. They are doing a DNA study to see is there is anything in common with the DNA's of people who have or don't have anorexia (specifically anorexia)....but just like all DNA's.....you might have the tendency but if the trigger isn't there it might not happen.

To be honest.....there are as many different reasons for ED's as there are people who have them.

[CalmingOcean]

Wow very sorry for all the events in your life that lead to this. I hope things are better for you, I imagine loosing your career was like loosing part of who you were as well.

I just wish we could clear up the superficial 'oh she just wants to be skinny'.... Know what I mean. I mean yes, it fuels input, and drives it, but I don't think it's what always causes it.

[GALAXYGAL]

I have enjoyed reading your posts and glad to see you are in a better place in your lives.

I have to admit that I have always thought that skinny people are superficial and that they despise overweight people due to our laziness and lack of ambition, and that we are ugly and have an abundance of personality flaws to complement our flab. It’s almost impossible for me to think of a thin person as having an eating disorder when our society and advertising shows me otherwise.

My father was abusive and we had to walk on egg shells. Our meal portions were large as he was a big eater (he has always been overweight) and not only would a big meal satiate his appetite but his anxiety and quick temper as well. The whole family ate the big meals right along with him. My brother and I developed coping skills that allowed my father some contentment at times and my mother rewarded us for that with food – for keeping the peace. Later, as an adult, anytime my mother wanted something from me she would take me out for dinner. I’d like to think she did it out of love, but it always felt like she was manipulating and rewarding me simultaneously the way I felt as a child.

I am an overeater and I restrict when I feel guilty. Even a healthy diet means I will suffer in some way. I eat food to reward myself or to satisfy emotional emptiness. I rarely eat because I am hungry so my stomach never feels empty except when I restrict and when I do it feels like self-punishment.

I think about how the reward of food carries over to the workplace. When people work late it always seems that the boss brings in a pizza or takes people out to lunch. I know it’s a show of appreciation and I can choose to not have pizza or eat a salad for lunch but I receive the ‘food’ as a reward for satisfying someone else’s agenda (making someone happy) so I usually eat the pizza or order the tastiest dish.

I am beginning to believe if I could identify the cause of my emptiness I would be able to change my health habits overall.

[eskielover]

I am beginning to believe if I could identify the cause of my emptiness I would be able to change my health habits overall.

That is the truth for ALL ED's no matter which direction of eating they take on. There are very few ED's that come from anything other than some emptiness, abuse, trauma or some situation that has caused a severe impact on one's life.... & until those issues are resolved....the ED continues to haunt if not all the time, at least times when triggers bring it up again.

It really irked me when I was in a ED treatment center for almost 8 weeks....the psychologist insisted that I had a body image issue & wouldn't even listen to anything I really had to say to help put the pieces of the puzzle together......& he was into this inner child crap that had absolutely NOTHING to do with what was really going on with me.

Galaxygal...sorry that you went through this growing up.....it definitely does create a pattern that is difficult to break when our emotions are to deeply connected....but you have recognized quite a bit toward what is needed for your healing ....now to find the right T who can help you with that.

[GALAXYGAL]

Originally Posted by eskielover

it definitely does create a pattern that is difficult to break when our emotions are to deeply connected....but you have recognized quite a bit toward what is needed for your healing ....now to find the right T who can help you with that.

Eskielover,

My last therapist dumped me after 3 sessions. That was back in August and I haven't found anyone else that I can afford who works with my issues. I am working through this alone right now and that is why I am so grateful for this forum and the support found here. Recently, I download a book that is recommended here Running on Empty by Jonice Webb so hopefully I will gain more insight through my reading. Thank you so much!

[Buttercup40]

I never worried about my weight as a child but it all changed at the age of 18, my parents were going through a messy divorce - my mum would take my dad back time after time and he treated us like crap.
I had lost my office job, the boss was a real ***** and when I was fired, my parents were so disappointed in me - and say "why can't you be more like your sister?" & "You're a failure, a waste of space".
I did shop work which was looked down on. I was told that I'd need to pay more money if I wanted to eat and that I ate too much. There were comments about me by family members - thunder thighs, are you eating for 2.
I just started skipping meals, working late so I didn't have to spend time at home. People were saying to me that I looked really well and this just made me want to lose more and more.
I started of in control but the Anorexia took over and I couldn't and didn't want to let go.
In my introduction I said I'd been battling my eating disorder for nearly twenty years and it's actually over that.
What I really hate is people telling me to snap out of it and eat - it's so difficult at times.
I've recovered before from anorexia several times but I struggle to maintain it.
Everyday is a struggle with food. I love food and I hate food.
I have seen several psychologists and my last one I found very sarcastic and felt she was judging me.
I still see my nurse, doctor and consultant.
With my eating disorder I suffer from severe depression and it's hell some days.
Some days the depression is worse than my anorexia.

[tallulahxoxo]

Hmm a lot went on for me as a child. .
At any rate I remember my grandma calling me fat in a packed waiting room of a restaurant.
I also remember, after Halloween, I was at a "friend's" house. Someone's candy was all gone. It was blamed on me. I said it wasn't me. An older girl then told me, "Of course it was you, you fat ******!"
Lol I was only eight and that traumatized me..

I wasn't taught portion control as a child.
We also survived on fast food because my parents were divorcing and too stressed/"busy" to cook or convince us kids to eat healthy meals of monitor what we ate..
I'm trying to reteach myself now.. It's taking a LOT of practice..

[Fallindown]

IDK about how or when exactly triggered my ana/mia. I do know exactly who planted the idea in my head. We were in a hospital, inpatient setting and I just kep asking her about how she starved herself. That's all it took fof me.

[eskielover]

We were in a hospital, inpatient setting and I just kep asking her about how she starved herself.

You must have had something going on to be inpatient in the first place that put you in a state of wanting to know that information.......sometimes if we can think back to that point in time it might bring out the why.

[Fallindown]

(((((((Calming O))))))))))

[bronzeowl]

I know what you mean, about the love/hate relationship. It becomes this... force in your life you know? That you want gone. Because you know it's destructive, and you're terrified of what it is doing to you and everyone who cares about you. But when you realize it is slipping out of your grasp as you progress in recovery, you become scared of losing it. Depression is kind of like this, but I find that the eating disorder has been worse for this. Because the eating disorder was and often is a coping mechanism for dealing with the depression, and the anxiety, and the loneliness. It both cured and caused loneliness for me. As I said, it's this... force in my life that is just... both wanted and feared. Some people personify it. Refer to it as though it is a person. I can never stomach doing that. It isn't. If it is anything, it is a devil. It appeared so beautiful at first - and surely does sometimes even still - and then it gets so ugly, so suddenly.

Trying to find one single, solitary moment or event that caused or started my eating disorder seems impossible. It's more like a chain of events that led up to it. I don't care about body image. Gender, however, has always weighed on my mind. I never really thought about my weight or body much in the deepest throes of it all. Even so, I cannot deny that it has played some role in the development of the disorder. I would think that... if I hid those curves, or those bumps, that maybe I could more easily 'pass'. Actually, of all my family, I was - and still am - the one who talks about weight the least. I think that's why it came as such a shock to me.

There were always thoughts looming above me. I'd always wondered if I did 'x' behavior, if anyone would notice. Or if I did 'x' behavior, if I could look like 'x'. But I never gave into the thoughts. And then, there was Florida. When I vacationed in Florida, I didn't eat. I had a bad stomach bug, and was afraid to eat. Afraid that digestive problems would ruin my vacation. When I returned to NC, I maintained it. For what reasons? I'm not sure. There was something about the effects that seemed to trigger something in me. I didn't care about the weight. I didn't think about it until I was already months in. It created a strange... kind of... almost manic state that would lead to my psychiatrist insisting I was bipolar. I always describe this moment as a 'switch going off'. Something that was lying dormant just rose to the surface, so to speak. But blaming it solely on that bad stomach bug obviously doesn't suffice. That was merely the trigger. Something had previously loaded the gun.

Depression, anxiety, social anxiety. These all seemed to play key roles in the further development of the disorder. In the beginning, at least, I felt less depressed (almost euphoric), less anxious, and was able to either a) socialize more or b) not care what others thought if I didn't socialize. This, of course, didn't last. The crash was around the corner. But I do think depression and anxiety led to the build up. I have read through journals I've kept over the past several years - every single one led to that moment. Many spoke of loss of control. Many spoke of a desire to... look a different way. And there have been so many events since 2009, that were just boiling over, it all began to feel inevitable. I have read that loss is a common trigger. And I do believe loss played a huge role for me. I lost so much just from 2009-2011. I lost my house. I lost my dog. I lost my brother in law. My sisters moved out. I was attacked by dogs, and I lost my walking (as I grew afraid to walk, from post traumatic stress). And the straw that broke the camel's back was losing my Shetland sheepdog. After that, my descent deeper into depression began.

I binge ate and overate from 2011-2012. My body changed. My life change. I associated my hate for myself with food (not with weight, but directed specifically at food for whatever reason - I felt out of control during the binges, and I loathed it). By 2013, the restrictive stage was around the corner. I thought... if I could control something, then it would put meaning into my life. And it did. Until it didn't. Soon, I was spiraling completely out of control, and I didn't - and still don't - know how to stop. Or how to escape. And now? It's a coping mechanism, and yet it creates many of the problems I have. I think about food, and that causes me anxiety. But not thinking about food causes me anxiety.

There's an emptiness in me, too. I do think that is common across the entire eating disorder spectrum. I think that's why the lines between them may blur at times. For example, I used to try to fill that emptiness with food. Now I try to feed it with hunger. One way, I was trying to fill the emptiness. This way, I try to make it bigger. If that makes sense? Everyone with eating disorders are different. We are vastly different. It is frustrating, being a psych student at times, because the books... they take the time... such careful time... to point out that people with other disorders are different. But when I read about eating disorders, it's this tight, narrow box. That truthfully, probably none of us would fit into. (They even explicitly use female pronouns, while using neutral for most other disorders) I think one thing that has come out of this struggle for me...

is a better awareness. Not only of myself, but of the world. Of how society affects how so many believe. How that can be a bad thing at times. About body image, about feminist issues, about male body image and trans body image, and about eating disorders. That's the only good thing that's come of it. The rest of it has been... a living nightmare.

ETA: I noticed, reading this thread, that many of us find it hard finding a therapist/psychologist/etc. I have, too. The two I tried seemed to not take it seriously because I didn't really care to talk about my weight or body image.