[angelicgoldfish05]

I have been, in the past, through what I would call ED h*ll. I do not want to go back there. However. I am having a hard time adjusting and "settling in" to my current weight. I won't say numbers cause we are not supposed to. I just know that it is too much for me.

Everytime I read posts now, instead of them triggering ED behavior, they do the opposite and I feel I must get something to eat. It's like something in my brain or body gets this fear that I'm going to try and starve it again (even though I don't think I could even if I tried, I just don't have that kind of willpower and I'm not under any kind of stress that would require it as a coping mechanism... Plus I'm in therapy and on meds now...)

Anyways, has this ever happened to anyone else. I've been so focused on how I could try and *not eat* and how I should *lose weight* that it is triggering me to do the opposite and it's almost a lost battle. Maybe I am posting this in the wrong forum place. Idk. But I do know I obsess about food. I've stopped counting calories and stopped weighing in every day. The scale and numbers know longer run my life. But there is a price to pay for that: now I am fat.

If I can't go back... What can I do instead? How can I cope with these feelings of being out of control??? it is really scaring me. Am I going to just give in and be fat forever?

At one point my dad said I was losing too much weight. He said I was too thin in not so many words. At one point in my life, my mom called me fat. I was having something to eat. She commented on the amount. I said I was a growing girl (was in my teens), she said - yeah but which way!!?

My mom is overweight. My aunt is in the hospital for obesity. I fear going down that path. I figured if I aimed for anorexia, I *might* keep a normal weight and not weigh too much, not get too fat.

It worked for awhile. People noticed. I got scared and who knows why I stopped or what stopped me.

Is is wrong to wish, somehow, for the disorder to just take over again. Life was so simple and uncomplicated with it. However, bulimia was h*ll. Pure h*ll. I hated it but there was such a feeling of relief after throwing everything back up. I can't explain it but I don't know if I have found any release like that besides cutting. I don't miss that. I miss being skinny. I miss the attention from guys and feeling more worthy of their attention or like anything was possible. I miss the control. I don't know how I can get it back. Is it wrong to ask advice for how to just get back to it? If not, someone please help me. I don't want to be fat forever.

[kaliope]

i dont have an ED and hopefully somebody comes along that can identify better. my mother said horrible things about me being fat and it scarred me forever and i am a really large person and even though i am not as large anymore i still live with the stigma of being fat and unacceptable due to what she said. i dont eat at all during the day but when i get home and start eating, it is as you describe, i cant seem to stop myself. i am consumed with eating one thing after another.

since you have had issues in the past and feel like this is becoming an issue again and have all these questions popping up for you, is it possible for you to see a therapist for a few sessions so you dont backslide into unhealhty behaviors?

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i dont have an ED and hopefully somebody comes along that can identify better. my mother said horrible things about me being fat and it scarred me forever and i am a really large person and even though i am not as large anymore i still live with the stigma of being fat and unacceptable due to what she said. i dont eat at all during the day but when i get home and start eating, it is as you describe, i cant seem to stop myself. i am consumed with eating one thing after another.

since you have had issues in the past and feel like this is becoming an issue again and have all these questions popping up for you, is it possible for you to see a therapist for a few sessions so you dont backslide into unhealhty behaviors?

Hi Kali, thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear your mom said such cruel things to you. I will never understand why parents abuse their children. Maybe she was projecting her own unhappiness onto you. At least I think that's what's it was with my mom. I was also in ballet and this affects body image permanently as well.

I can relate to emotional eating, which is usually what overeating is related to. A lot of people, me included, use it to numb out or fill an emptiness. Last night for me, it was reading a post in the ED forum. It listed weights and one was lower than I am. But instead of triggering ED behaviors, my body and brain got together and said, oh no, you are not doing that ***** to us again. Go eat now! So I did.

But the sad thing is, some part of me wants to be triggered to have the ED behaviors come back. I've quit alcohol again recently... quit cutting... gave up smoking... what is left now? I know, just use healthy coping mechanisms right? But I already know how to do this one, and it worked.

As for seeing a t, we haven't covered this ground yet, but it will make sense to her when we get there. I'm almost waiting to tell her because I want the behaviors back and she would not want that. Part of me wants to show her instead.

[avlady]

Have you had your thyroid levels checked?

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by avlady

Have you had your thyroid levels checked?

No, would that help? What would that be for? Thank you!