get a grip...

Last night was my junior prom. All in all it was fun, the unfortunate bit was that one of my friends was there, a very anorexic friend. She's around 5'9 and weighs close to 100 lbs if even that by now. I look at her and think "that is disgusting, how could she or anyone else ever find that attractive?!" but then at the same time it triggers me. That day i ate yogurt early in the morn. I didn't eat again until around 1 am, then i ate hash browns and french toast. Got the calorie count up a bit at least. Today i had yogurt, mashed potatoes, and pretzels. ergh.

Why is it that i see this in other people, in them i see that it is disgusting, unattractive, etc. and yet still i seem to want it. A friend called me a pig for eating the hash browns and french toast then she saw the look in my eyes and took it back. People are watching me but i'm to the point where i don't care. I just want the numbers on the scale to keep going down. My other friend jokes with me about it. I want to talk to him and tell him how it affects me, he has recovered from an ed so he knows how i feel but still he jokes. it hurts, badly.

I'm not even sure what i want to "get" out of this post, comfort maybe? reliability? A hand to pull me out of this ever deepening pit?

Your eyes see what it wants to see - your friends or people around you as one thing and yourself another...

I hope you are feeling better - It's certainly worth a try to talk to the friend.

thanks for the reply direction. What you said makes sense, so at least I know that something i'm doing has a bit of sense to it. heh.

Geez the views to replies ratio is almost depressing. hmph.

I think it is a pretty big step that you recognize the difference between how you see others and how you see yourself. It might not happen immediately, but that can help you in the long run to start to see yourself more accurately. Sounds like you are making progress!

Views to replies - I think this is a really hard subject to tackle. Having watched my ex struggle with this - I don't feel sometimes what I have to say will make any sense as it really didn't for her. She would call it "psycho babble". So I've been pretty cautious about what I can reply to and offer a point of view from an outsider.

I have a hard time replying to peoples problems and indirect like problems, I wonder if they are really useful.

I think the older I am getting the more detached I am conteously to my subconteous. My conteous self and subconteous self are like two different people.

People only see the conteous side of me and haven't a clue what lies underneath except it does come out in writing like this.

I fight with myself constantly in similar ways which is my subconteous pressuring me to do things my conteous mind has to say 'no' to. My subconteous wants to be runway model thin while conteously I look at my own boney wrist, hands and fingers and go 'eew! my skin is sinking in between my tendons.'

I think I kind of understand you. Keep trying to be strong conteously. If your satisfied with yourself, weight and looks wise, maybe you can find a happy medium with yourself to maintain the weight you are. That's my focus right now and is kind of keeping me from fighting with myself.

Hanging around with my very fluffy co-workers makes me feel really good especially when they comment about me needing to put meat on my bones. My thinness is noticable.

Oryan