[lil_bit]

I have been focusing on getting my calorie count up until school was out so i could do my best on finals etc. Today was the last day. Through that time i managed to gain around 5 lbs back...but today i haven't eaten anything. I drank like 5 glasses of iced tea though.
The thing that scares me is that i feel great. I feel accomplished and strong and the thought of food makes me nauseous. I baked my coworkers cookies today and had no desire to try any of them when normally i can't keep my hands off the cookie dough OR freshly baked cookies. Now they're nothing to me.
How bad is it that i feel this great at this point? There's a little voice in my head going "stop now before you're in too deep!" but there's something inside of me stomping that voice down. oh my.

[Soidhonia]

((((lil bit)))
Try to take care of yourself, please reach out for help if you need to if things get to the point where you are getting over whelmed or feel out of control.Take care and good day. soidhonia

[Direction]

I think I would listen to the little voice and contact your doctor.

I'm so with Direction with this one...

The "feeling good" with baking the cookies and not wanting one is "another little voice that says .... listen something's up and it's not good"..

[lil_bit]

yogurt, lettuce, and cheetos today. and a healthfood smoothie thing.

Two of my coworkers today told me that they are worried about me and that they care, so it's nice to know that i have tangible resources in my life right now.

I think i am still under control...today i almost thought i wasn't but then i did manage to eat so it's still controlled mostly. I hardly ever go to the doctor, and have never had a regular therapist/pdoc so I'm mostly relying on myself and those around me on this.

thank you all for the replies

[Direction]

You mention them - consider going to a therapist and pdoc...

A T is so good for me... figuring out why I do what I do and the amount of support I get is just "so" well wonderful....
How's about trying one out?

[lil_bit]

trust me i would if i could. money is just..not there. Also i would have to drive an hour and a half at least to get to a reliable T from where I live now. Which again poses the issue of money..gas...yuck.

I'm starting to do a little better. After I posted that last night I had a banana and some noodles so all together yesterday I didn't do too badly.

Right now i'm eating some peas and carrots before i go to work...

I'm also kind of "documenting" my thoughts and actions through all of this because when i graduate I will study to be a psychologist and I hope personal experience will help me in the end.

[Direction]

"Documenting" is good...

I've emailed my "T" before and I have had an over the phone session before.

There is a way...if you want to get therapy. Do you go to church were you can talk to someone there? I belong to a church that also has a therapist that comes in...

You could also ask the church for help with money to see a T and gas money. My church also has local offerings for this very thing.

Anyway if you want to make it happen - I can help...

(((((huggs)))).... anytime you like, you can PM me too...

[lil_bit]

Direction, in all honesty I believe I've been lying to myself. If I wanted therapy, REALLY wanted it, then I'm sure that I could achieve that somehow. I think I'm just being my stubborn self, because I rarely ask for help. I guess I want to do this alone, but not completely "alone"..if that makes any sense..

Ugh, I'm not even sure what else to say. I confuse myself. Those peas and carrots are all i've had today and I feel like I will get sick if i try to eat anything else today.

thank you guys SO much for "talking" with me. Perhaps your voices here will help that little voice in me rise up somewhat

[Direction]

Well you've kind of said it already - "been lying to myself" - I had a feeling that would be your reply.

Take your stubborn energy and turn that on how to find a good pdoc and therapist.