[LaDauphine]

I haven't posted in this section in awhile. It's just so inactive I feel like I'm taking over, but **** it. I need to get this out.

I've been struggling with my identity lately. Where do I fit in? Who am I? What am I good for? What's my thing?

I used to be the good looking friend who knew how to work a soccer ball. I also have a closet geeky side. In sum, this was my identity. Soccer Barbie... with glasses.

So, as soon as pictures were posted from a night out my girl friends would have messages from their guy friends asking who I was. Whenever the indoor or outdoor soccer season rolled around I had my pick of teams. Whenever I was "casually" introduced to one of said guy friends I'd blow their minds with my geeky depths.

[Aside: I'm getting married this summer and the planning has taken so much of my time. As much fun as being a bride is I just need something more to complete my identity.]

Now? I have held onto my geeky side, but the rest has gone to ****. And that's when I realized that I'm just another blip on the radar. It's depressing. I haven't gained a lot of weight (I'm too controlled for that), but I definitely don't have a bikini body. I'm not even the top goal scorer. I'm useless on the field.

I'm tired of being sad about it. Lost about it. If I have to let my ED take center stage again so be it. It's my thing. Again. (I think that's why this disease is so toxic: We see it as a safety net.) Anyway, who cares if I'm not the pretty friend anymore... yet? Who cares if I don't score goals? I'm thin! My soccer team is having a BBQ after the game tomorrow and I can't wait to waltz in their with my fruit. Normally, I'd have a hamburger, but now? I don't deserve a ****ing hamburger. If I can't be the best player I'll at least be the thinnest!

[LaDauphine]

TUESDAY, JUNE 14th, 2016

8:45 AM

Yesterday went really well. What a difference attitude can make, hey?

I had a handful of M&M's, but I wasn't thinking about them all day like I usually do. I simply took my handful, enjoyed it and that was that. It felt good to walk by there frequently and not to be tempted.

I have a game today. Let's see how that goes!

[eskielover]

Control is definitely a huge aspect of anorexia & ED's in general.....or sometimes a comfort for lack of control when the ED goes in the other direction.

There is so much behind ED's than just the desire to be thin. Those people are only a small part of the REAL causes for ED's but sadly, the treatment centers seem to only focus on them from my own personal experience. They weren't looking at the real cause.

It's difficult to find the definition of who we are. I have finally found it after leaving a bad marriage after 33 years. Little did I realize at the time that the stress (which causes me to not feel like eating) of the bad marriage was the long term trigger & why the trigger didn't go away like other stresses did & why the anorexia got so bad the first time it hit. Triggered by a medication I was on but fed (no pun intended) by the stress of the bad marriage that I realized later on, I was attempting suicide to escape from in the first place. None of my therapy at the time ever tied it all together until I finally left the marriage & got into good therapy & now have totally found myself in my alone happiness.

Just make sure that your marriage is for love & not expecting it to FIX your problems. No one can fix our problems other than ourselves.

[LaDauphine]

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15th, 2016

9:10 AM

I'm unofficially using this thread as my journal. I should probably just go find an actual journal site, but the only ones I can find are weight loss related and that's just not where I need to be.

My game went well. I scored. I made SURE it went under my jersey. Despite my rolled ankle I gave it everything I had. Attitude and hard work really will make one successful! Everything was good, especially my runs. As a soccer player, this was the worst part about my game. I've always relied on my speed to compensate any footwork needed, but with my rolled ankle I had to use tricks because I couldn't sprint. I was so proud of myself.

I did eat a handful of M&Ms after. There was a BBQ after the game in which I had 1 hot dog, but I gave a lot of it to my dog. I guess 1/2 a hot dog, a handful of M&Ms, fruit, and soup were a good tally for the day.
I just need to incorporate some vegetables.

ASIDE: How would posters feel about posting their journals in this section? I'd love to have an update from you guys!

[runningonresilience]

Reading through the progression of these posts, it seems like you are convincing yourself, all by yourself, that you in fact are made up of so much more than your eating disorder. That's really cool and I hope you are able to see that as well because in the end, you ultimately have to make peace with yourself even if a hundred people gave you truthful qualities that make you more than your ed. I spent years thinking that anorexia was my identity and then slowly and painfully I realized I had completely lost myself to the disease and if I was to live for something, it wasn't going to be a sickness that destroyed me. Soccer seems to be something that makes you feel alive and purposeful so hold onto that tightly. And keep your mind open to different people or opportunities that may give you a new avenue to add to the list of your positive defining qualities. I hope you keep posting here about your thoughts, successes.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by runningonresilience

Reading through the progression of these posts, it seems like you are convincing yourself, all by yourself, that you in fact are made up of so much more than your eating disorder. That's really cool and I hope you are able to see that as well because in the end, you ultimately have to make peace with yourself even if a hundred people gave you truthful qualities that make you more than your ed. I spent years thinking that anorexia was my identity and then slowly and painfully I realized I had completely lost myself to the disease and if I was to live for something, it wasn't going to be a sickness that destroyed me. Soccer seems to be something that makes you feel alive and purposeful so hold onto that tightly. And keep your mind open to different people or opportunities that may give you a new avenue to add to the list of your positive defining qualities. I hope you keep posting here about your thoughts, successes.

Oh, I hope there's more to me than my ED because if that's all I have I'm pathetic. I'm not even a *good* anorexic in that I'm still fat and have way more to work on in terms of control and will power. I'm so average in every aspect of my life and if that was always the case I could survive, but I used to excel. Being average with my ED is the last straw. That's why I'm obsessing more about it now than I have in awhile. It's something I can control. I just have to get better at life.

Thanks! I hope more people post journals!