[Twilightzone]

OK, so here's my story and I need help. When I was in my 20's and early 30's I could eat and drink anything I wanted and never gained an ounce, not ever. I'm 5'7" and I used to weigh about 120, 125 but never more than that. At one point I even weighed 98 because due to stress I couldn't eat. I just couldn't, it made me sick to my stomach, just the smell of food made me want to vomit. I did drink a lot of beer but no beer gut for me..... Than, I think was 36, 37 maybe, I was in rehab for the drinking and they put me on medication for my anxiety (clonazepam and fluvoxamine). Even though I would have "episodes" every now and then, I felt great. I met a man in rehab, the knight in shining armor and after 6 months we started a relationship. Biggest mistake of my life because he beat the hell out of me for almost 5 years and I was back to beer drinking again. He managed to break my ankle in 3 places, I had surgery etc. and because I started walking too soon on that foot I developed a back problem. Much to my horror I was gaining weight rapidly. At one point I was 286 lbs so I decided to not eat anymore, I had done it before, I could do it again. But I couldn't, I HAD to eat and I HAD to eat a lot. I went back to my T, she hardly recognized me. She told me that I needed food for comfort and that I gained weight because I was protecting myself from all the beatings. Made sense. She put me on a diet, didn't work. I figured that it was because of him so I mustered up the courage and left (it wasn't that easy, believe me). This was in February of 2001 and it was the best thing I ever did. A year later I nearly died because of a severe pneumonia (spent a week at ICU and 3 weeks in the hospital), a week after I was released my cat died. He had been with me for 15 years. A month later my sister nearly died because of an aneurysm. That was not a good year for me. But I exercised, I went on a diet, rode my bike daily. Guess what??? After 6 months I hadn't lost an ounce. Now I'm in a very good relationship with a woman who totally loves me for me, doesn't beat the hell out of me, never even yells at me, totally understands what I've been through and we've been together for almost 4 years. And.... I gained weight.... I'm 311 lbs. My back is killing me, I can't walk my dog, I have to do everything sitting down and I am so, so sick of it. I cannot look in a mirror anymore. I'm a fat f****** pig. And I've tried to not eat or eat healthy food, just veggies and fruit and I don't lose the weight. My T said years ago that it was because of the abuse (mentally and physically) but he's not here. In fact, I moved here to get away from him (long story). He's thousands of miles away, maybe he's not even alive anymore, I don't know and I don't care. I do care however about me, I WANT to lose weight, I NEED to lose weight but I can't. I welcome any helpful tips you have. If not, thanks for listening.

[lil_bit]

Honestly any tips I would have for you are extremely unhealthy and a terribly bad idea so I think I will keep them to myself. But I just wanted you to know that I'm listening and wishing you the best of luck and health.

[JenKat]

Please don't be too hard on yourself about gaining weight. It sounds like you have been through far more pain than one should ever have to deal with, and just the fact that you've made it through all of that is so admirable. Just because that man is out of your life does not mean that you should be "all better" now. I've been in a bad relationship as well, and even though I've not seen him for 3 1/2 years, I still struggle with my eating as a coping mechanism. Part of it for me is habit, and another part is just me still trying to deal with my past. I don't know if you said this in your post- are you seeing a T now? If not, I would recommend it as a way to help you figure out how to find a better way of dealing with things. Also, and this may sound silly and unneccessary, but sometimes finding a nutritionist to work with can help as well. The worst thing to do is to try and "stop eating" or "go on a diet", often those methods end in weight stabilization or weight gain, quite the opposite of what they're supposed to do. If you really want to lose weight, I would recommend talking to some sort of a professional-be it a therapist, nutritionist, or even your doctor-I'm sure they will be able to help you find ways to lose weight in a healthy manner.

[Perna]

Debbie, go get a complete physical with bloodwork, etc. and make sure it isn't thyroid or some other such thing in the "way" or meds (you still on any meds) and that you are going about the whole thing from a complete-as-possible point.

I have a similar problem to yours. I'm 57, 5'6" and when I was 25-26 weighed 127 no matter what I ate. But I only gained steadily, didn't do anything drastic like not eat. When I was 38 I lost 20 pounds on NutriSystem for only $2,000 and only gained back 80 pounds :-) I tend to not do "diets" anymore for some reason. Four years ago I had medical problems for 5 months and lost about 25-30 pounds as a result but have gained back most of that weight. Gaining and losing weight and getting older, ill, etc. does a number on one's body. We can't do anything drastic at this point or it will only make it worse.

I'm concentrating on the fact that I gained 125 pounds in 25 years so I may have to lose 5 pounds a year for the next 25 :-) It's not going to come off like it use to. Now, more than ever I need to get a good routine going of eating "correctly" and some good activities (I don't do "exercise" anymore after two disasterous attempts).

But I would go to the doctor and get a really thorough physical with everything checked from bowels to nuts :-) blood, heart, lungs, blood pressure, chloresterol, diabetes, thyroid and other endocrinological things, etc. I would study 2-3 good eating plans from medical types or established groups -- the DASH diet, for example: http://www.dashforhealth.com/ or weight watchers and see what I could use and make my own. I'd keep a diary of sorts (I like Chef Kathleen's Cooking Thin Daybook http://www.kathleendaelemans.com/ she use to be 80 pounds overweight and a chef! Read her bio, very interesting) and I'd figure out what my difficulties are (for me, too much meat and beer :-).

The weight took awhile to put on, it should take at least that long to come off so it stays off.

[Sabrina]

Some solid advice here!

[Twilightzone]

Thanks for all the advice and kind words. For now I can't afford health care but I'm def. going to look into the DASH diet, Perna.
Thanks everyone!!!!