Daily Check In Thread for those with an eating disorder of any kind #2

shovelhead · Dec 04, 2018, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.

I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty.

Blue_Bird, how are you doing?

U are basically an athlete in my eyes. Your running is Amazing, what u do! Then u gotta take care of your body just like an athlete would. Cuz u work your body! Treat it well

Daily Check In Thread for those with an eating disorder of any kind #2

Blueberrybook · Dec 04, 2018, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm normal weight. I spent a couple years obese. My typical weight before I got on antipsychotics was on the low end or just below the mark of underweight. When I got off the antipsychotic I lost a massive amount of weight, now I'm in the normal bmi range for my height. Although I still feel like it's very high and that I'm huge. I've been trying to get back to my weight from before I got on the APs.

Don't I understand the feeling. I was actually at the low normal end of my bmi (for about 6 months) when that ulcer perforated (obviously, it was symptomless though they say eating more tends to help with duodenal ulcer pain, maybe I ate more subconsciously, who knows?) I was running to tone up, not a ridiculous amount, what a normal person in decent shape might run. I wasn't even weighing myself that often. Of course, I felt horribly overweight, but when they did the surgery they had to alter it some because of my having too much muscle and not enough fat in some area. I lost over 10 lb. in the hospital. That has got to be one of the worst, most painful surgeries a person can have. And now I'm thinner and wish I were thinner, but I can't get thinner, I have a pre-teen daughter, she already asks why I'm so small. Luckily, I eat normally, but it's the excessive exercise that gets me in trouble.

Blueberrybook · Dec 04, 2018, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shovelhead

U are basically an athlete in my eyes. Your running is Amazing, what u do! Then u gotta take care of your body just like an athlete would. Cuz u work your body! Treat it well

Yeah, but I need to eat enough to cover the calories, and you wouldn't believe the amount of time I run. It is a lot. I'm not a fast runner, just a persistent one. I know I could pull up plenty of distance runner meal plans online but am not really interested in that.

I run a lot because I dissociate a ton while running, sometimes thinking, sometimes not, just being up in my head, and it's like my body is going on its own. Yesterday, I ran a whole mile and completely had no memory of it. One minute my app announced a distance (and this app announces time & distance every 5 minutes), so that means I totally blanked and didn't even notice the time and distance announcements more than once. I thought it was an error but checked my FitBit, and it was not. That's a little scary.

But I've dissociated a long time, since I was very young, that's a topic for another board anyway.

Blue_Bird · Dec 04, 2018, 06:08 PM

I feel like crying because I'm eating dinner tonight, part of me is pulling me back and resisting but I need to eat

shovelhead · Dec 04, 2018, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I feel like crying because I'm eating dinner tonight, part of me is pulling me back and resisting but I need to eat

I just felt the same way, the other day. I didn't eat breakfast. I ate lunch at noon when I was hungry. I then felt guilty for eating lunch. I thought to myself, why am I feeling guilty?

katydid777 · Dec 04, 2018, 07:24 PM

I haven't had much today, but I don't have any interest in anything. I am just sitting here by the phone, waiting .

LucyD · Dec 05, 2018, 12:42 PM

Popping in to say hello. Got a lot going on right now with sick dog and bathtub backing up water and not feeling too good myself.

Take good care.

fallaximago · Dec 05, 2018, 01:57 PM

In the last couple of days I've done better than usual but still I'm not satisfied. I'm very much a perfectionist, that means I'm really hard on myself when I mess up or even make small slip ups. I will do my best to eat even better tomorrow. I'm also drinking lots and avoiding sweets so that's good.

shovelhead · Dec 05, 2018, 02:06 PM

Food & water weight upping my scale weight reading..freaks me out. Then I tell myself I need to eat nothing. My stomach makes all these crazy noises. It's digesting food. I haven't eaten yet today and hopefully eat the very minimum, today. I hate food. Now I have to cook more of it for my OH.

Blueberrybook · Dec 05, 2018, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LucyD

Popping in to say hello. Got a lot going on right now with sick dog and bathtub backing up water and not feeling too good myself.

Take good care.

Good to hear from you. Sorry about your dog & bathtub backing up. I hope you start feeling better too

Blueberrybook · Dec 05, 2018, 03:27 PM

Ugh! Couldn't run as much as I wanted to today, earbuds kept falling out. My old ones broke, and I ordered new earbuds (can only seem to keep the kind with the hook on while running) which got here today.

AF is supposed to start Friday; I am having bloating from that.

Pdoc thinks I am getting manicky, has upped my Seroquel from 400 to 500 mg. Seroquel is a big weight gain drug for many, not for me so far, and it had better stay that way, or I will go back to 400 mg. Actually, it's weird, I do OK on the normal Seroquel, but the timed release was bad, I was exhausted, just wanted to sleep and was hungrier than normal and had no energy to exercise. But most people have the opposite experience than mine. I'm just weird, I guess.

Pharmacy had to order the extra 100 mg Seroquel, so I will start it tomorrow night.

Feeling so lazy not exercising much. I hate EDs. I need to get back to the point where the ED is not consuming as much of my life as it is. Maybe if I'm less manicky, it will help?

I'd like an end to mixed bipolar anyway, though often I crash & burn into depression or complete emotional numbness after mania (I haven't been mixed this long ever, since the end of March 2018, possibly as early as Jan. 2018 from my old pdoc's notes, they said something like "heading toward mixed?"). But my full mania usually ends in bad depression. I am hoping this is hypomania since I'm still sleeping around 5 hours a night, not awake all night or getting 2 hours broken sleep, tops. Though last time, the pdoc got the BP mania stabilized (and she had a job of it), and then the panic/anxiety disorder shot through the roof. I just feel like I can't ever win. Oh, and then the ED decides to run for first place from time to time. I can't say it has ever gone 100% away, but it's definitely been better. There were even some times it rarely bothered me, or I 100% ignored the ED thoughts and invalidated them with what was real versus my perceptions of real.

Sorry to go on so long. I get hypergraphia more & more when manicky. My last manic episode, I couldn't stop writing to save my life, post-it notes, papers, notebooks, writing scrawled everywhere, and it was practically automatic; I just could not stop until I was pulled away.

LucyD · Dec 05, 2018, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Good to hear from you. Sorry about your dog & bathtub backing up. I hope you start feeling better too

I really appreciate that! My dog seems to be very sick, may take her to the Emergency Vet tonight if she gets any worse or the regular Vet. tomorrow. My Ocd is off the wall from the worrying I have been doing. Can't eat today.

Blue_Bird · Dec 05, 2018, 05:44 PM

I'm actually doing well today. I feel like the healthy part of me is getting stronger. I had a lot of issues recently with my schizoaffective bipolar symptoms and I think that plus stress was making may have caused the ED stuff to reemerge in such a big way.

The past few days have been really good though. I feel at peace

Blueberrybook · Dec 05, 2018, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm actually doing well today. I feel like the healthy part of me is getting stronger. I had a lot of issues recently with my schizoaffective bipolar symptoms and I think that plus stress was making may have caused the ED stuff to reemerge in such a big way.

The past few days have been really good though. I feel at peace

It's wonderful to hear good news

shovelhead · Dec 06, 2018, 12:52 PM

Started the morning off right. Gave my dog leftover (boneless) chicken breast that was supposed to be my lunch, today. I find myself doing this, lately. I just want all the food GONE..

Blueberrybook · Dec 06, 2018, 03:51 PM

Tired today. Issues with refrigerator. If it stops running one more time, I think I will lose it. I vacuumed off the coils the best I could lying on my stomach (coils in the very back of course). At one point, I got my forearm stuck, panicked because it took awhile to get it out. If my arms were skinnier, but if they were skinnier, I'd start looking grotesque, and I do not want that look.

Ran a ton this morning, why I keep doing this, I don't know. Weighed the same as yesterday. Period is expected tomorrow. Probably going to get it soon as I woke up super nauseous this morning. That and back pain are usually the signs. Was tired running too but had tons of energy yesterday, and that tends to be the way my cycle works, lots of energy the day before AF and then no energy the day of.

Had lunch late in light of refrigerator problems. Going to have to tell H this refrigerator problem seems like it might not wait until Christmas vacation for him to fix. H is a teacher, so he gets off 2 weeks for Christmas.

Daughter has a birthday party Saturday, the house is a mess, I cut my thumb (minor but it's annoying under the refrigerator). I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

LucyD · Dec 06, 2018, 10:38 PM

Been examining my thoughts related to food today. I realize that I think I shouldn't eat or eat very little or if do I feel doubtful about myself. Why don't I have the right to eat? I have been called names for being overweight. Those thoughts haunt me. Why should I care what mean people say anyways?! I have been called "pig", "cow", "fat *****", and then there were the names my siblings called me when I was just a bit chubby as a near teenager. I don't think anyone should be made fun of for how they look. There was a time when women were rubenesque and it was thought to be a good thing. They were called voluptuous. There were great paintings done of them that were famous. Well, those are my thoughts today.

Blue_Bird · Dec 06, 2018, 11:09 PM

Had kind of a weird day. I slept in really late. Then my water pressure was messed up, I guess they worked on it though because it started working again in the afternoon. Then my laptop I just bought a month ago for $600 decided it's keyboard would suddenly not respond to anything. So I was very aggravated and messing with that took up a lot of my day. It's currently in the process of a factory reset, maybe that will help. I had to step away from it for awhile because I was getting really upset. It's not even so much about the computer as it is that I hardly ever have money to spend on nice things for myself and I invested quite a bit on it. Plus I needed needed a better quality laptop for some of my college classes. I know it's not the highest end but I like it.

Anyway, I somewhat overate earlier due to stress then got the urge to go back to restricting. But I was reading that book I bought recently and the chapter I was on was all in detail about medical complications associated with EDs and I already have messed up teeth and have sIlent GERD from purging, as frustrating as that is, I feel lucky for escaping the more serious and life threatening issues. I don't want to mess with my body anymore. I just want to be a healthy person and enjoy life.

I'm trying to find meaning beyond weight numbers and how I look. Being involved in my faith more , etc.

I wanted to purge so badly, but I couldn't do it. I can't risk it, it's too much of a gamble. the horrible medical emergencies that can result from it aren't worth it. So instead, I read for awhile. Then I watched Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns

LucyD · Dec 07, 2018, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Had kind of a weird day. I slept in really late. Then my water pressure was messed up, I guess they worked on it though because it started working again in the afternoon. Then my laptop I just bought a month ago for $600 decided it's keyboard would suddenly not respond to anything. So I was very aggravated and messing with that took up a lot of my day. It's currently in the process of a factory reset, maybe that will help. I had to step away from it for awhile because I was getting really upset. It's not even so much about the computer as it is that I hardly ever have money to spend on nice things for myself and I invested quite a bit on it. Plus I needed needed a better quality laptop for some of my college classes. I know it's not the highest end but I like it.

Anyway, I somewhat overate earlier due to stress then got the urge to go back to restricting. But I was reading that book I bought recently and the chapter I was on was all in detail about medical complications associated with EDs and I already have messed up teeth and have sIlent GERD from purging, as frustrating as that is, I feel lucky for escaping the more serious and life threatening issues. I don't want to mess with my body anymore. I just want to be a healthy person and enjoy life.

I'm trying to find meaning beyond weight numbers and how I look. Being involved in my faith more , etc.

I wanted to purge so badly, but I couldn't do it. I can't risk it, it's too much of a gamble. the horrible medical emergencies that can result from it aren't worth it. So instead, I read for awhile. Then I watched Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns

So sorry about your computer. That can be so frustrating. That's great you resisted the urge to purge. I used to do it, too. Finding meaning beyond weight numbers is a great thing to get into.

LucyD · Dec 07, 2018, 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Tired today. Issues with refrigerator. If it stops running one more time, I think I will lose it. I vacuumed off the coils the best I could lying on my stomach (coils in the very back of course). At one point, I got my forearm stuck, panicked because it took awhile to get it out. If my arms were skinnier, but if they were skinnier, I'd start looking grotesque, and I do not want that look.

Ran a ton this morning, why I keep doing this, I don't know. Weighed the same as yesterday. Period is expected tomorrow. Probably going to get it soon as I woke up super nauseous this morning. That and back pain are usually the signs. Was tired running too but had tons of energy yesterday, and that tends to be the way my cycle works, lots of energy the day before AF and then no energy the day of.

Had lunch late in light of refrigerator problems. Going to have to tell H this refrigerator problem seems like it might not wait until Christmas vacation for him to fix. H is a teacher, so he gets off 2 weeks for Christmas.

Daughter has a birthday party Saturday, the house is a mess, I cut my thumb (minor but it's annoying under the refrigerator). I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

Some days sleeping is the best thing to do IMO. Hope you get your frig fixed.

Blueberrybook · Dec 07, 2018, 01:04 PM

Woke up very queasy this morning, nearly threw up. Not sure if it is the 100 mg increase in Seroquel or hormones (due to start my period today or tomorrow). Did manage some exercise today, less than yesterday, but better I stopped, it was still too much. I think not only do I run for ED reasons, it's compulsive now, I'm anxious if I can't run.

Frig. is off & on. Hope it makes it through the weekend. We really don't need this emergency, especially now. My daughter is having a birthday party here tomorrow. 7 pre-teen girls, fun

Well, they are nice and good friends of hers, which is great because she would not play with other kids until the end of kindergarten. I worried she might have Aspergers (pretty sure my father does). The pediatrician does think she has sensory processing disorder, but we don't have money for a diagnosis or occupational therapy. She's super smart in all her subjects, especially math, but nearly all her senses are affected. Food has to be separated. She won't wear pants or shorts, saying they are too tight around the waist; if they are comfortable around the waist, they fall off her hips. Luckily, we live in an area where winter is mild; sometimes we have no freezes, usually 1 or 2 that are gone the next day, snow flurries, every 10 years or so. She hates loud noises (bathroom hand blow dryers, vacuum cleaner, blender, etc.). There are lots of other issues too, but that's just a general idea.

Anyone here a parent and worried about passing on ED habits to your child? I am, at least as far as looks; my daughter has already asked why I am so skinny; I've just told her I run a lot. Hopefully, it will not affect her body image, but then again, her personality is eccentric and eclectic, not always easy to parent but very strong in all her beliefs & feelings and not influenced by popular opinions. She has 5 cousins who pretty much were/are the same at development in every stage, but my daughter is completely different from her cousins (2 sets - 2 boys, 3 girls). I'd never wish an ED on anyone, and especially not my child.

shovelhead · Dec 07, 2018, 02:46 PM

Sliced pickles for breakfast/lunch. What a joke. I shouldn't have fed the dog my leftovers! LOL! Cuz now I'm hungry. And I sure know I will not cook for myself. No way.

Blueberrybook · Dec 07, 2018, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shovelhead

Sliced pickles for breakfast/lunch. What a joke. I shouldn't have fed the dog my leftovers! LOL! Cuz now I'm hungry. And I sure know I will not cook for myself. No way.

You need to eat more. Not eating enough slows your metabolism even if you exercise, not that you need to lose weight. Pickles do not make a meal. Unless you are at a high school football game in Texas 😂