[shovelhead]

I deep cleaned our house more, today. Cleaning up dust & dog hair. I am constantly distracted. It helps me relax, too. It helps my head. Gotta cook dinner now! Yahoo! I put off going into the kitchen, until the very last minute. Every single day. It's hilarious, actually. Nope, I don't care about kitchens

[LucyD]

I've decided I won't be posting here much. I hope you all will be okay. I need to get myself together on my own. This place doesn't help me but I hope it helps you. Much love, respect and peace to all of you in going forward with your lives.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I've decided I won't be posting here much. I hope you all will be okay. I need to get myself together on my own. This place doesn't help me but I hope it helps you. Much love, respect and peace to all of you in going forward with your lives.

Do what you need to do to help yourself. Once I tried an ED support group, and I completely became so competitive, I set myself by a ton. Hope you drop by with an update now and again.

[Blueberrybook]

Birthday party today for my daughter with some of her friends from school. Every single one invited could make it, go figure. Cake and such...blah. I overslept. Need to shower, get balloons, cake and ice. Can’t wait for today to be over. I hate birthday parties, even for my own daughter. Though by next year, it will probably be a slumber party, so I should be grateful.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I've decided I won't be posting here much. I hope you all will be okay. I need to get myself together on my own. This place doesn't help me but I hope it helps you. Much love, respect and peace to all of you in going forward with your lives.

LucyD, please don't leave this great thread you started. I hope one of my dumb posts complaining about food didn't upset you or anyone else. How are you doing otherwise? I always enjoyed chatting with u here.

[Blueberrybook]

Kid birthday party over, and I am still in one piece. Did OK talking to the 2 moms who stayed and didn’t just drop their kids off. Had a piece of cake, but I do regret I didn’t realize how much of this cake would have black icing (a road in the design), resulting in wonderful blue/black teeth. Surprised to have little guilt after eating the cake, but that’s a nice change. Pdoc did think I was getting manicky and upped the antipsychotic (Seroquel). I think manicky symptoms tend to feed the ED.

[Blueberrybook]

Just a few thoughts...I think lately we have been posting a lot in this thread about not eating, not exercising & feeling guilt about eating or not working out, having zero appetite. Those things can be posted as it's a recovery thread, but we want to include people with all types of EDs, binge eaters, people not being told what bones they can see, etc. Though I am not exactly sure how we'd do that. Maybe for those of us needing to gain or stop bad habits working to post one thing we've done in the day to fight the ED, a thought we have dismissed, etc. I just don't want this thread making people with EDs other than anorexia, bulimia, whatever passes for ED-NOS these days feeling left out or uncomfortable posting because they have different issues with food. I don't know how we'd accomplish this though. We all need to remember this is a support thread that is recovery oriented, not continuing your ED oriented, but how? I know we have anorexia and bulimia subforums and more, but those are not very active at all. Posting there would be like what is the point? I think.

LucyD, I hope you can stay or come back when December passes. I know you said this is an especially hard time for you. I hope your depression starts to improve. I can't remember, do you see a pdoc or take meds or just a PCP? If you leave, I hope you return for an update (hopefully just for a little while, but I understand the need to go for awhile, I've done it on an ED forum - also a recovery one)

Everyone needs to feel welcome here, no matter the ED or even suspected ED, and we need to focus on that, along with recovery.

[Blueberrybook]

Continuing my thought above...I think we have all gone through similar crap in our lives, and that causes issues with food and body image, whether you binge eat or barely eat at all. It's still a miserable lifestyle. Is there anyone on here who does not have a mood disorder like depression or bipolar? It's likely most of us do.

I am going to start with a few positives I did today:
I ate a leftover piece of my daughter's birthday cake.
I ran less than I wanted to in my head.
I didn't step on ths scale this morning! Though I have my period to thank for that, my weight is always crazy when I'm on it, and I figured, why bother stressing out?
I did something for myself by watching an episode of a TV show in a series I've been watching, snacking on Cheezitz with it (I'm addicted to those things).

It's always one day at a time. It's going to be a hectic week, and I am afraid that will affect my eating & exercise habits. H is flying to Toronto on Tuesday after teaching school and arriving back very late Wed. night, so late it will be after midnight & really Thursday morning. H's trip is for the partial share he owns in a company in India that makes nanotubes. They modified the method he developed in his graduate thesis, and consult him all the time, and by a fluke ended up finding a way to manufacture nanotubes with less junk in the batch. The CEO is a good person, has gotten a lot of good press in India, and now they are trying to get funding for the company as really nobody wants to buy nanotubes except to do research, and they need an application where only nanotubes work or nanotubes are superior to the existing method. We'll see. This company is around 7, 8 years old now, I think. My daughter has a choir singing thing at her school on Thursday evening, and my daughter's birthday is on Friday. Saturday, my mom is having an extended family birthday party for my daughter. It should be fun. Both my sisters will be there with my nieces & nephews. One of my sisters has 3 girls, the other 2 boys. Then, a shortened week of school, class Christmas party on Thursday with early release, and I told the room mom I would help her as she is really stressed (she was here for my daughter's birthday party yesterday).

I hope everyone is doing OK. Hugs to those who need them. Right now, my mood is a bit less manicky, especially when it comes to be irritable or interrupting people talking. Maybe the Seroquel increase is helping. I hope so. My head has been noisy with racing thoughts. They are not voices, they are my own thoughts, just one after another after another, nonstop, a giant tangle.

[Blue_Bird]

I've been eating more vegetables. I found a very simple recipe for squash I'm going to try later in the week.

I've eaten fairly well balanced the past couple days. I'm starting to wonder if I have a problem with dairy products. It's weird. I never had any issues with it before. Ever since I developed GERD I seem to have problems when I have milk or foods with a lot of dairy. Certain foods have been making me feel bad physically, not mentally but if I eat junk food lately it makes me feel like crap. My stomach was making strange noises earlier today normally i have a steel stomach. So kind of confused as to why this has been happening.

Anyway, I finished reading the Eating Disorder Sourcebook. There was a lot of useful information in there. I signed up for some Eating D/O newsletters to stay up to date and informed on stuff.

I've been drinking more water because I'm probably dehydrated. I got some raspberry lime seltzer since I've been getting bored with plain water.

I'm trying to stay balanced nutritionally. I have a long way to go but I'm beginning to make changes. I have my first appointment with the nutritionist on the 18th.

Lots of stress. This week will be the last week of the fall semester then I take my final exam. Plus I'm trying to confront some anxiety and panic issues.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Continuing my thought above...I think we have all gone through similar crap in our lives, and that causes issues with food and body image, whether you binge eat or barely eat at all. It's still a miserable lifestyle. Is there anyone on here who does not have a mood disorder like depression or bipolar? It's likely most of us do.


I am going to start with a few positives I did today:

I ate a leftover piece of my daughter's birthday cake.

I ran less than I wanted to in my head.

I didn't step on ths scale this morning! Though I have my period to thank for that, my weight is always crazy when I'm on it, and I figured, why bother stressing out?

I did something for myself by watching an episode of a TV show in a series I've been watching, snacking on Cheezitz with it (I'm addicted to those things).


It's always one day at a time. It's going to be a hectic week, and I am afraid that will affect my eating & exercise habits. H is flying to Toronto on Tuesday after teaching school and arriving back very late Wed. night, so late it will be after midnight & really Thursday morning. H's trip is for the partial share he owns in a company in India that makes nanotubes. They modified the method he developed in his graduate thesis, and consult him all the time, and by a fluke ended up finding a way to manufacture nanotubes with less junk in the batch. The CEO is a good person, has gotten a lot of good press in India, and now they are trying to get funding for the company as really nobody wants to buy nanotubes except to do research, and they need an application where only nanotubes work or nanotubes are superior to the existing method. We'll see. This company is around 7, 8 years old now, I think. My daughter has a choir singing thing at her school on Thursday evening, and my daughter's birthday is on Friday. Saturday, my mom is having an extended family birthday party for my daughter. It should be fun. Both my sisters will be there with my nieces & nephews. One of my sisters has 3 girls, the other 2 boys. Then, a shortened week of school, class Christmas party on Thursday with early release, and I told the room mom I would help her as she is really stressed (she was here for my daughter's birthday party yesterday).


I hope everyone is doing OK. Hugs to those who need them. Right now, my mood is a bit less manicky, especially when it comes to be irritable or interrupting people talking. Maybe the Seroquel increase is helping. I hope so. My head has been noisy with racing thoughts. They are not voices, they are my own thoughts, just one after another after another, nonstop, a giant tangle.

Those are great positive things you did! Keep it up

Try to make sure to incorporate self care during the week since it will be stressful for you. Maybe the seroquel increase will really start to kick in good and the racing thoughts decrease enough where you can focus and read a book, you enjoy reading right?

[katydid777]

I haven't eaten this morning, but I did eat a very good dinner last night.

[Blueberrybook]

Oh, ick, I had an encounter with a creepy guy with lousy come-ons while out buying light bulbs. I know I can't be the only one here with a background of abuse - physical, verbal, sexual. Some of his remarks...ugh. He said things to me like, "You've got a great body." I was still in my workout clothes, tightish black pants, a bright yellow long-sleeved workout top; top was pretty loose not at all revealing. (Thank God I hadn't taken the workout top off before entering the store in only my tank top & sports bra; I'd been thinking about it as it had warmed up, and I was getting hot because my list of errands today was gigantic. The tank top is very fitted.) It's not every day I buy lightbulbs, so I was unfamiliar with the section, had to hunt it over to find what I needed. He said stuff like, "You must work out." Well, duh, I was in workout clothes. Then, "I really enjoy seeing such a nice body." Creep factor explosion! He goes away a bit then comes back and starts up again. "Wow, you look amazing. Your body is so wonderful to see." Ick, ick, ick.

Possible trigger:

Remarks really reminding me of the uncle who sexually abused me as a child, so triple & quadruple ick.

Thank God he goes & checks out. I watched from the store doors & windows to see him get in a car and drive away. As it happened, there was a police car in the parking lot when I left the store; it looked like some unlucky driver was getting a traffic ticket.

But ugh, creepy! I know I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I never wear them when I work out because my fingers often swell when I exercise. In light of all the famous men getting in trouble over things like this and more, the metoo movement, what makes a man feel this is completely appropriate to say to a woman he's only just seen for the first time and doesn't know at all?! It's it's a compliment, he needs to work on his social skills, and as a come on, it's just creepy. I didn't look him in the eyes even once. If I could take half a dozen showers without wasting water, I would.

Possible trigger:

It was horrible because some of this man's remarks were nearly word-for-word from my creep-o uncle who sexually assaulted me when I was young.

Nearly like a transport back in time I didn't need or want. I can't say this creepy uncle is 100% responsible for my ED, but oh, yeah, I definitely put some of the blame on him.

Jump back to the undramatic present...need to get back to my lunch and fun stuff like doing the laundry.

[Blue_Bird]

Oops wrong thread...

[Blueberrybook]

Got a few gifts for my daughter and a Christmas meal bag (no meat, but a gift card to a local grocery store) from the church next to her elementary school. The school counselor gave the names of children whose families are in financial distress to the church, and then, if you agreed, you got to go pick out gifts for your child for free as well as the pre-bagged meal. Everything helps at this point. Our finances are in shreds. Though it is getting hard to know just what to even get my daughter. She's not yet a teenager, but she has outgrown most toys. She turns 11 on Friday, which is another added financial stressor, on top of our family Christmas, where we give each of her cousins a gift, and she has 5 cousins.

Did good foodwise today. Had breakfast. Used a gift card to get a mocha (with the whipped cream on top) at Starbucks and a tomato & mozzarella panini for lunch and had all of it. I am needing the calories. I am constantly cold these days. Yes, while today started out near 40 degrees, it's 60 degrees outside now. I'm inside, have the thermostat on 75 degrees and am very cold (though our house was built in the 1960s so it is not insulated as well as newer houses).

Money worries are eating at me though. Especially with my daughter's birthday, the cousins' Christmas gifts, actual Christmas for my daughter. And she outgrew all her sweaters, jackets, and her coat. She actually can wear my coat even though it is somewhat baggy on her (she's very tall), but that then leaves me without a coat. Clothes are so expensive. I never have luck finding stuff her size at Goodwill though maybe now that she fits into juniors size clothing (which they heap in with adult women's clothes), maybe I can find something. I'm doubtful on the coat though. It gets cold enough here that you want a coat, especially for night and early morning, sometimes it freezes or we get snow flurries, but it is not like you need the coat daily during winter either. So buying one is a hassle. Stores will have a few, but not a ton. If you're an adult, your winter coat doesn't get a ton of wear. My coat is at least 7 or 8 years old and possibly even 10 years or older. Coats are expensive. Not the pricey stuff but something of good enough quality that it will last longer than a year and not shrink in the wash or something. Now, I've got the added burden of having to get my daughter a coat or go without one myself. Having no money just really sucks. I'm pretty depressed about that, especially at this time of year.

I have a T appointment in 15 minutes. I need to get ready to go. Luckily, it only takes 5 minutes to drive there.

[Blue_Bird]

How is everyone today?

I'm doing pretty well. I've been eating healthier. Sauteed vegetables yesterday and they were really good! Yellow squash, green bell pepper, and onions.

[Blueberrybook]

Doing OK. I had a laid back day, watched a show on the DVR then read a lot as well as snacked a lot too. My stomach is a bit off now. I think I ate too much at once. I have noticed since I've had that ulcer surgery, I can go from full to uncomfortably full very quickly. I don't doubt I needed the calories. I have been very bad at overexercising lately. We usually have dinner at 5, 5:30 (otherwise my daughter is super hungry), but I'm going to delay until 6 today, see if my appetite recovers.

Still feeling a bit up, not completely manic though and depressed at times, so probably this means, yay!, the bipolar is still mixed.

How is everyone else?

[Blueberrybook]

My running shoes died today Had to get a new pair. Spent much less $ on a brand I'd never heard of before, but the shoes felt comfortable enough in the store.

My stomach is very upset, and I think it has to do with the fact that I ate a high protein bar (most of the protein from whey) before going to shop for shoes. Whey protein did mess with me a little in the past (when I was weight training, I drank it every day I weight lifted), but not too bad. However, this is the 2nd time I've had this happen after consuming high whey food post ulcer surgery. I am thinking now I cannot eat/drink things with a lot of whey as now it makes me feel ill and physically uncomfortable. Still, I can drink milk OK or eat yogurt fine. I am thinking it is the high amount of the whey that causes me to have issues. So I still haven't had lunch after 2 PM because my stomach is all upset and gassy and feels overfull. My luck I am digesting this exercise bar super slow too.

How is everyone doing? The board has been quite lately.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

My running shoes died today Had to get a new pair. Spent much less $ on a brand I'd never heard of before, but the shoes felt comfortable enough in the store.

My stomach is very upset, and I think it has to do with the fact that I ate a high protein bar (most of the protein from whey) before going to shop for shoes. Whey protein did mess with me a little in the past (when I was weight training, I drank it every day I weight lifted), but not too bad. However, this is the 2nd time I've had this happen after consuming high whey food post ulcer surgery. I am thinking now I cannot eat/drink things with a lot of whey as now it makes me feel ill and physically uncomfortable. Still, I can drink milk OK or eat yogurt fine. I am thinking it is the high amount of the whey that causes me to have issues. So I still haven't had lunch after 2 PM because my stomach is all upset and gassy and feels overfull. My luck I am digesting this exercise bar super slow too.

How is everyone doing? The board has been quite lately.

I hope you feel better

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing well. Today was the last day of classes for the fall semester. I just have to go in next week to take a final exam in my Intro to Social Work class, should be no problem.

Saw my therapist, she's going to update my doctor on my voices and psychotic symptoms to see if there's a weight neutral AP I can take, or one I can take PRN. I hate the term "psychotic" It just has such a negative connotation. So does anything with Schiz in it. My dx is Schizoaffective bipolar. It's great how people are so much more open about depression and anxiety nowadays but there's still a looooong way to go.

Anyway, in regard to the eating disorder, I'm doing pretty good. I have been cooking more and am able to keep away from restricting or bingeing. I see the nutritionist my psychiatrist referred me to next week. That should be interesting.

[Gr3tta_0]

Hi all 😊
Coat advice - if you don't expect it to get too dirty too often, invest in a great quality on sale, or used/goodwill, that requires dry cleaning. For regular wear, this is a deal breaker for me! But for a nice sale coat - worth it! Never wash it, just wipe off the occasional splash or drip, dry clean once per year, and have them repair any pesky buttons/zippers/minor tears while they're at it. If kids are still growing, try buying a size up. For grown-ups, one could last you decades. Good luck!
My eating is horrible. I am so riddled with anxiety i feel paralyzed. I buzz around doing a million things, but i accomplish zero. Which makes me more anxious. I am horribly depressed. I don't know how or why to care about much. But if that # is smaller, small win! 30 second euphoria!
And now we return to the dull black, with occasional sharp intervals.
.
Yea, I'm real cheerful, sorry.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

Hi all 😊
Coat advice - if you don't expect it to get too dirty too often, invest in a great quality on sale, or used/goodwill, that requires dry cleaning. For regular wear, this is a deal breaker for me! But for a nice sale coat - worth it! Never wash it, just wipe off the occasional splash or drip, dry clean once per year, and have them repair any pesky buttons/zippers/minor tears while they're at it. If kids are still growing, try buying a size up. For grown-ups, one could last you decades. Good luck!
My eating is horrible. I am so riddled with anxiety i feel paralyzed. I buzz around doing a million things, but i accomplish zero. Which makes me more anxious. I am horribly depressed. I don't know how or why to care about much. But if that # is smaller, small win! 30 second euphoria!
And now we return to the dull black, with occasional sharp intervals.
.
Yea, I'm real cheerful, sorry.

I'm sorry you're struggling Gr3tta I hope things get better for you. I understand the doing a million things but accomplishing nothing, that happens to me a lot when I get really anxious.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm actually doing well. I ordered takeout and didn't binge. I don't even seem to have the desire to binge anymore. It's strange, very nice though. Like someone turned off the switch. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, I don't go overboard at all. And I haven't been restricting. Even when I feel like it I've been making myself eat

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm actually doing well. I ordered takeout and didn't binge. I don't even seem to have the desire to binge anymore. It's strange, very nice though. Like someone turned off the switch. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, I don't go overboard at all. And I haven't been restricting. Even when I feel like it I've been making myself eat

I am glad to hear you are doing so well. That is awesome!

[Blueberrybook]

The ED is bothering me tonight since I did not exercise today. Ugh, why do we tie our self worth to a stupid number on the scale? And it’s never low enough for the stupid ED. I have been hovering around the same weight awhile, wanting to lose more sometimes, but not daring to. Pdoc and H would be in a fit, so that at least keeps me at a weight that is not dangerously low even though if I lived alone, I know I would just give in fully to the ED. I am lucky I that this time around, I don’t restrict, maybe I will say no to dessert some nights, maybe not. But the over exercise is the killer! I already can’t wait to get out tomorrow and run.

[Blueberrybook]

Less exercise than I wanted today due to my daughter feeling ill over the weekend. I didn't want the school to call and not be able to her her up right away. Since I've broken 4 or 5 cell phones in walking/running falls exercising, I no longer carrying a phone with cell service while jogging, it just plays music and has a super cracked screen. I suppose it might have the ability to call 911 in a pinch as cell signal tends to be good in the area I run in.

Quiet here lately...