[LucyD]

So sorry you had a bad afternoon. I hope there will be better times ahead for you BBB.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

So sorry you had a bad afternoon. I hope there will be better times ahead for you BBB.

Thank you.

I guess I'm a lit better today, still down though.

Ran but not as far as usual, ED voices not happy about that.

Need to shower, make lunch. Meals come around too often.

[shovelhead]

Yesterday I had painful stomach bloat. Leery of consuming food today. I am trying to figure out which food is causing these stomach issues for me. I hate food...

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

Yesterday I had painful stomach bloat. Leery of consuming food today. I am trying to figure out which food is causing these stomach issues for me. I hate food...

Food causing stomach issues is tough. Are you drinking enough water? Do you drink a lot of coffee or soda? Some days, the coffee gets me even though it is the amount I normally drink. I have some foods I cannot do any more like pizza and not much fried food.

[LucyD]

Please don't let other people's stupidity make you feel worthless in any way. You are a valuable person. I know it's easier said than done. I think you are a good person and good mom!

[LucyD]

I think I have to take into account that I have had bulimia disorder and binge eating disorder and not be so hard on myself. Sometimes I feel so compulsive about eating and for my disorder that is normal. I wanted to buy snack food like bags of cheetos and chips and likewise stuff but have not. They are what always puts weight on me and I have been taking that into account lately. The holidays for me are not times to try and lose weight and it has always been that way; hard to change old habits. I feel so deprived if I don't chow down a bit during these times. I had a normal meal today and a BK meal with a desert. Not as if I ate the whole store. So, I can feel okay with myself. I've been walking past the pastries and nuts in the store at least and the snacks. Have to find ways to feel better about myself.

I think we are all good people with eating problems and ways we view ourselves. Not a reason to beat the hell out of ourselves; after all we are not horrible ax murderers...lol

[Blue_Bird]

That's great that you're not upset about yourself and were able to ignore the temptation of the pastry section of the grocery store. That's actually a big achievement
,

The bakery section of grocery stores is are so alluring I got to the point where I wouldn't even stop in that area and just "look" cause it always led to me buying desserts lol

[shovelhead]

I increased my jumprope 1 more set, today.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Food causing stomach issues is tough. Are you drinking enough water? Do you drink a lot of coffee or soda? Some days, the coffee gets me even though it is the amount I normally drink. I have some foods I cannot do any more like pizza and not much fried food.

Thanks for your reply. I think my overuse of coffee has something to do with my stomach issues. You're right. Hey I'm sorry u ran into somebody in a forum, like that. That crap happens online. Don't u dare take it personal or feel bad. Online is kind of like real life cuz u still will run into huge jerks. Stay here with US, we like you, alot!

[fallaximago]

Here we go again... I really need to understand once and for all that losing weight takes time, patience and effort. It isn't a walk in the park. I gotta get my act together and do my best.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by fallaximago

Here we go again... I really need to understand once and for all that losing weight takes time, patience and effort. It isn't a walk in the park. I gotta get my act together and do my best.

It really does & our bodies take real time to adapt. I think people give up when weight loss isn't magically quick & easy. Keep working! Your hard work WILL eventually give u results u want!

[LucyD]

Still waiting for this problem at home to be resolved. Don't know why it's taking so long but it's making me crazy. Bought some cheese for the first time in a long time and it can be a binge food for me. Had too much of it today but tomorrow is another day, isn't it. It's so gloomy here today, too, the sky is so gray and rainy and there is a chill in the air. Just want to pull the covers over my head today!

[Blueberrybook]

I ran so much this morning...not good, but really the only time I've felt grounded today.

Lots of small things gone wrong, not to mention still upset that people on the BP forum could be so cruel as to tell a mother she does not deserve her child Probably the person wasn't a mom anyway and has no idea what it's like. And on top of that, the pediatrician is pretty sure my daughter has sensory processing disorder, which makes parenting harder. Unless you've been living my life, honestly, there is no call to judge whether or not I'm a good mom.

And IDK, I had so many people telling me to go IP for this or that: I'm not suicidal; I am underweight, but not horribly; I'd be the fat person in an ED ward. I exercise too much, so do a lot of people. There were several people there telling me to go IP, not going themselves and oh, they routinely have hallucinations (it can be a part of bipolar), but I do not hallucinate at all. So people who regularly hallucinate are just OK, even deserving of their kids and I'm not? It doesn't follow.

Sorry, still steamed about that. That post was very hurtful and just mean in a place that is supposed to be supportive.

Had lots of small things go wrong today. I only had lunch around 2, had been going since 5 AM on peaches & cottage cheese. I had a refrigerator problem that really through off all my timetables, but hopefully, it will be OK now.

Today my daughter has a practice for a math competition, so I don't pick her up until 5 PM.

[LucyD]

I have fallen into the pit of depression. I hope I come back out...

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I have fallen into the pit of depression. I hope I come back out...

I hope you start to feel better. This time of year is hard for me. I had a bad incident happen the 1st week of Dec. 4 years ago; it sent me into my worst relapse, and I only barely turned that around in time to avoid the hospital. But I hate the anniversary of that. I think H forgets, doesn't realize the level of shame, or even the feeling of bringing things like that on myself.

If I could, I'd bury my head in the sand and not emerge until the end of January.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I have fallen into the pit of depression. I hope I come back out...

I hope u do, too Talk it out here. U help all of us with our problems. Sending u a ray of sunshine from the SW USA

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I hope you start to feel better. This time of year is hard for me. I had a bad incident happen the 1st week of Dec. 4 years ago; it sent me into my worst relapse, and I only barely turned that around in time to avoid the hospital. But I hate the anniversary of that. I think H forgets, doesn't realize the level of shame, or even the feeling of bringing things like that on myself.

If I could, I'd bury my head in the sand and not emerge until the end of January.

I would, too, like to hide until January. My sister committed suicide during these holidays and it always hits me this time of year. Sorry you had a bad incident this time of year, too, it really bites. I may take a break from forums for awhile. Take good care.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

I hope u do, too Talk it out here. U help all of us with our problems. Sending u a ray of sunshine from the SW USA

Thank you. I will return.

[Blueberrybook]

Today has not been great ED-wise. Or maybe good recovery-type wise but not making the ED happy.

I ran half of what I usually run daily, so I feel guilty about that. This afternoon, I had a brownie as a snack along with breakfast and lunch. Now I keep wanting to hop on & off the scale even though I know the weight is really only accurate first thing in the morning. Guilt over eating 1 brownie is just dumb, especially when I do need to gain weight. In my head, I know this, but in my head, I also don't want this.

Bipolar has been swinging up & down today. I've been in a mixed state a long time now, I think since the end of March. Most days, I have the manic & depressive closer together or even at the same time. Not sure why it is so distinctive today.

Need to leave soon to see the T.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I would, too, like to hide until January. My sister committed suicide during these holidays and it always hits me this time of year. Sorry you had a bad incident this time of year, too, it really bites. I may take a break from forums for awhile. Take good care.

You'll be missed, but I definitely understand. You have to put taking care of yourself first

[SvanThor]

Can't remember if I've ever posted on this particular thread. My ED is probably better than it's ever been, I only b/p during times of extreme stress, which sucks because finals week is coming up LOL. Hoping for the best tho. It used to be a hell of a lot worse

[Blueberrybook]

Welcome, SVanThor Sorry about the b/p getting worse around finals. When I was in college and grad school, my ED always got worse around finals, journal publication (had to be ASAP for my professor), thesis defense, i was a mess.

Today I ran and ran and ran. It seemed to be the only way to get rid of the voices & memories in my head. (I am coming up on a very bad anniversary.) I dissociate A LOT while running, it's unsettling how much. Then, I eat pretty normally, but today, I know I couldn't come near making up the deficit being as I don't binge. I have the purging type anorexia but all the purging is through exercise so it's pretty much an invisible ED, H ignores it though lately since the pdoc has been getting on my case and certain days (depending on what I'm wearing), H will tell me to cut back on the exercise or eat more.

My head knows I need to gain weight. The same crazy mind doesn't want to gain weight

Time has gone by. I know H hasn't forgotten about this event, but I do think he may not realize I am near the anniversary. I need to say something, let him know, though I don't want my daughter knowing about it beyond something bad happened to me around this time of the year.

[shovelhead]

So I have muscles coming in from working out. I was looking at anatomy diagrams to figure out which muscles they are. Am I crazy to feel let down that I'm seeing muscles instead of bone? Seems a bit twisted to me, I don't know. I went serious low calorie today. No appetite. Just wanna lose more weight.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

So I have muscles coming in from working out. I was looking at anatomy diagrams to figure out which muscles they are. Am I crazy to feel let down that I'm seeing muscles instead of bone? Seems a bit twisted to me, I don't know. I went serious low calorie today. No appetite. Just wanna lose more weight.

I forget, what is your ED? Can't remember. You seem to exercise a lot.

[Blueberrybook]

I went running in the morning, but by late morning, I was struggling with a stomach bug. I felt horrible and still do not feel great. I am sure the running didn't help it.

I have lots of bones the ED likes and could take all sorts of serious ED type pics especially in the right poses, which makes the ED happy, but all in all, is not good for me. Need to quit looking at bones when I dress & undress. I am really, really wanting to take triggering pictures of myself and have a difficult time restraining myself. So far, I have, but it is hard.

I have to throw a meal together, and am very green around the gills. My daughter's choir has a singing engagement tonight, I hope I don't get sick. At least it is close to home.