[lil_bit]

I'm not sure if the connection between this post and ed is but, in my opinion...it has EVERYTHING to do with perception and reality so...here goes:

I've finally come to the conclusion that we live every moment of our lives veiled entirely by dependency upon the unknown. Everything we long to see, everything we ceaselessly grasp for is shadowed by the gray, the intangible.
When somebody dies, it is said that they simply disappear. Can a soul that has existed, coexisted, and grown in both experience and complexity really just vanish in a single heartbeat (or lack thereof...)?? I think that souls who are truly cherished will never die in that respect. People always say "they are kept alive in our hearts" but in actuality don't believe a word they speak. I think they are kept alive not in our hearts...soulless muscles and the time bombs of our lives...but rather by our beliefs. One whose body has gone cold will still walk among us as an entity only of a different form. I believe that only when all components of a passed individuals waking life have accomplished the art of forgetting will that individual be truly dead--vanished eternally..........the area is gray and yet we grasp at it always. Paranormal states and ghost hunters, funeral processions and grave tributes...we can never know the reality of our wonders, and thus we play the great game of guesswork, and convince ourselves that we believe in the foundations of our own guesses.
When an aspect of our lives goes terribly wrong, or when our lives themselves seem to be uprooted in entirety, the mantra arises "it will all be okay." But where are the brave souls to ponder and ask...why? How is it proven that time will make this "okay"? And who is to define just what is meant by "okay"? It's simply a gray area. Perhaps we are okay because our minds have erased the pain, time has "healed the wounds" but in reality those wounds were never healed...they were merely shrouded by our refusal to see the truth before our faces. If time really erased all of our pain unfalteringly, then mental illness and the rebirth of subconscious memories and desires would never bound into existence. Time buries our wounds under light soil...and then again uproots them in the torrents of our storms. Then the storms themselves are buried, and the cycle forever deepens.
One of my least favorite sayings, but one of high prestige with respect to the world as a whole, is "everything happens for a reason." Does everything really happen for a reason, or is reason simply applied to the random happenings of life as part of the desperate attempt to define this thing called living without regard to the amplitude of truth or of fallacy? Modern culture mocks like organizations of the past for their superstitions, and yet we live upon the antithesis of superstition, we live for empty hopes. Empty as a result of the ill footed foundations upon which they were contrived. Mathematics are said to be an exact science, what is proven a number of times is said to be pure fact. But did the universe build mathematics, or has math been molded by man to fit the intricacies of the universe? Nothing is ever certain, because certainty in itself is dissembled by internal fallacies.
So what do we call those who refuse to live in the gray, whose actions are dictated either by black or white but never by what lies in between? These, the souls caught amidst the torturous reality of a world in denial, are what we call the insane. And what am I?

These I need to know:
**Why do so few think or speak of the backwards workings of our world?
**Do those minds dubbed insane truly contain a wisdom beyond human recognition whose lack of expression results from a similar lack of medium with which to be heard and understood?
**Does life at present really have a purpose, if the future relentelessly erases, numbs, and invalidates the past?
**Realistically, is it suicide to end the nameless, faceless struggle between that which we think we know and that which we long to know...or is it suicide to drag our feet through a world built on wishes and candy dreams?

[Junerain]

This is a beautiful, sad post, beautifully written, and I see your points, as much as I can see them. When I was homeless, people said to me, "It will all be o.k......." and you are right, it is a trite answer, with the real answer being more complex, that there are some hard truths, some gray areas, and longing for our wounds to be healed, well, they heal in some ways in others they don't. Our subconcious is very powerful, and the memories it evokes, yes, it points to a greater truth, yet I find a bit more positive greater truth, as my subconcious helps me work things out in my dreams often. I don't think a soul can vanish in a single heartbeat when they write and share here, we will leave our imprint forever because PC will always have our expressions here.

[Perna]

lil bit, the problem (as I see it) that humans have is not being able to look into the future; not to be able to truly understand what it will be like for themselves in 10, 20, 30 years or even 1 perhaps.

I thought like you express through my 20's and was locked in the stuggle to make it work out or understand it in a way that was more "comfortable" for myself. It didn't happen. However, my life changed when I was around 34 and things did start coming together in bits and pieces and I did begin to get "wisdom" and now at the ripe old age of 57, I have enough space to look back and see that my life has come together in many places and makes "sense" to me and I'm still doing the "Oh!" response when another widget snaps into place that I wasn't expecting. My 41 year old stepson use to ask his father on his father's birthdays, "What's it like to be 50?" What's it like to be 60?" but I finally, just last year, began to realize that we can't really understand that question until we're there. I'm approaching "old" age and the experience is everything the cliches say BUT now I inhabit the cliche's and get the "jokes" whereas before they were just canned laughter?

When I turned 50, I had a friend at work who was a year or two older and she said to me, "Wait until you are 51, you start to fall apart!" Well, I was mightily amused because I felt great when I was 50, no different from 49 and kind of liked the idea of being half a century old, etc. But low and behold, I turned 51 and darned if I didn't start falling apart! Not fun. The aches come and don't go away and one's body does things "like" the old way it did things but suddenly doesn't bounce back or respond to meds like it use to and you start worrying whereas before one just put up with the cold or sore muscle, etc. It's a radically different world (and yet the same) for me now than it was 10, 20, 30 or even 1 year ago.

The sum of all I know at this point, my wisdom, is in understanding that "things change". I've lived that expression and, if you want to believe me, yes, things do happen for a purpose and do make sense. In my late 20's I had a mentor and she use to say to me, "It will be good for you in later life" when I had to do something distasteful that I didn't want to do. I grew to hate that expression but I now know, for me, it's true :-)

One can't really know what's black and what's white and what's gray when one is in the midst of it; one just gets "feelings" for where to stand so that where one stands is best for one's Self. That is truly all there is, our Selves on the inside looking out at other Selves in various states of development. Flower buds don't think, gee, I'd better not bloom because then it will be all over and I'll fade and die. I believe the other flowers "help" because you can't make a flower bed with only one flower, you need the others around to support one's weak stem and show off one's unique color, etc. Some of the flowers get the bugs or rotting disease, others get the bees, better soil and good sun and water. I wouldn't wish my rotting disease on the flower next to me would I? Mayhap my having it endangers or helps the flowers near me, I don't know. All I know is what is my own experience and I do my best to work with it, get the most out of it that is possible.

I do think there's a larger "something" going on than just my experience though. There are other things "out there" that I can't see or know, grubs :-) or fertilizer. Earlier plants, compost, help make my bed healthier and help me grow stronger. Someone messed with my genetics and I'm bug or wilt resistant or both or neither. But through it all I'm still an individual plant.

Darn, I think I hear the neighbor kid's lawn mower and I'm on the border! Watch out!

[Amie2]

Perna, I find your post so interesting. It is as if everything is on a bit of a timeline isn't it? I am 45 and am dreading the thought of turning 50. I know someone who says 'its better than the alternative' but I don't know if I agree with that. I might just prefer to not get old. Negative thought I know but is part of how I feel about it.

Amie

[Amie2]

I forgot to add that I agree that there is much that exists that we cannot see. For instance I do reiki on people and it can be so powerful in its healing properties even though we cant see it and did not know of its existence before.

Amie

[DePressMe]

Hi lil_bit, I often wonder the same things about life. The one that catches me the most is whether or not we truly have a purpose in life. Nietzsche and many other great existential philosophers suggest life is what we make of it. We are "doomed" to be free. Free to create our own meaning in life--that we are not magically given one, it is our responsibility to build a worthwhile life. I truly do take this to heart and try to remember that every one of my actions is an example for others--I truly am responsible for mankind--it is up to me to set a worthwhile example and try to influence the world--one person at a time--starting with myself.

You mentioned suicide...are you just thinking about the theoretical implications or are you in danger? If you are in danger, please tell somebody and get help. Sorry, I know I am probably reading too much into your words, but I would rather ask you than just guess that you are okay. I think it is perfectly fine and normal to think about suicide...I do often. What really does happen? It is a question I know I will never be able to answer, but I keep thinking about it....