[PicturePerfect]

Hi, I'm 19, in my second year of university. I've been struggling with bulimia for over a year now, but recently it's been getting pretty bad... My parents recently divorced, the love of my life left me, and everyone is expecting me to be this perfect genius in school (I'm in a pre-med program). Mostly, I guess, I've been pressuring myself to be perfect. I'm 6'00, 145 lbs, apparently I'm extremely thin, but I can't help but see a fat slob in the mirror... I've been bingeing/purging every day, maybe even twice in the same day for the past two weeks... I don't know what to do, and I know I'm hurting my body... badly.

I just don't know what counseling is really going to do for me. It just seems like a waste of time and resources. I tried making a food journal, and try to follow "food plans" but they all fall to nothing whenever I decide to binge... which is triggered almost every time I eat.

It's just really frustrating. And I was hoping to get some insight from people who are going through/ have gone through all of this.

Thanks in advance

[Perna]

Hi, PicturePerfect, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). It's a good community to come to for such issues. Sounds like you're really having a rough patch in your life. I'm glad you're fairly healthy now.

Do you have any professors you really like that you think might be able to help or steer you in the right direction where you are? When I was in college I got close to a couple professors (which helps anyway with getting needed recommendations, etc. for grad school) and did research with one, etc. That might be a stopgap and first move instead of having to go to counseling somewhere you're not familiar. Just mentioning you have an "eating problem" when you're out with friends or around someone you trust might garner you some additional information about where you are and services available and what someone else has done, etc.

When I was suicidal my girlfriend made an appointment with her "boss," a professor in the Health Department of the University and he listened to my story (with my girlfriend there for support :-) and made some recommendations that got me on my way.

[smiley1984]

have you sought any professional help before or been trying to do things on your own?
most universities have a free counselling centre, they have different policies- some will refer you to appropriate services, others will see you regularly it just depends on your centre. and they are free if you are a student and at campus so you don't waste time travelling to appointments because you are already at uni. they also have more than one counsellor so if you don't click with one, you can see another

Have you ever been to counselling before? it isn't a walk in and get fixed solution but having someone else who knows about your problems can help. they can also be helpful with more practical issues helping you when you aren't well and your brain is not working too well. and having someone who you can talk to and trust not to tell anyone else things or spread rumors like classmates can sometimes do. You don't have to commit to long term counselling to go and see them. you don't even have to tell them a lot on your first visit. i would suggest just make an appointment and go see what they can offer. if you hate it you don't have to go back.

good luck

[lil_bit]

Sounds to me kinda like a "text book" type of thing. (which is not at all demeaning to what you're going through, I am the exact same way)

Do you think there might be an element of control linked to your behavior? Sometimes painful life events can lead us (I say us because it is what I do and I feel it may connect to you as well) to seek something we can control: our bodies. Binge-purge cycles that feel like they have no end can sometimes be the result of a temporary lapse in control, followed by a frantic attempt to regain the control that was lost.

stress..pressure to be perfect..these things are never helpful for an ed of any sort. From what you have said, I gather that you are searching for options other than counseling, with that in mind I would recommend doing whatever you can to reduce the stress in your life, or at least the impact that stress has on you. I have heard a lot of people recommend yoga, personally I write, listen to music, and jog/walk to release stress. Find what works for you and go with it.

Also, based on your height and weight, your bmi is perfectly normal. So the image you are seeing in the mirrors is distorted, it's not what's really there. (but sometimes it can feel almost impossible to convince ourselves that what we see isn't real). Sometimes I try to avoid mirrors just to avoid the trigger.

[Ocean13]

You're caught in the ultimate trap of all ED's....They make you believe that you are in total control while the rest of your life throws hard punches at every turn. The truth is that once you start an ED's you are no longer in control. It fools the brain. The only way to get the real control back is to fight the ED's. Go to a T. Talk out the other pressures that are bothering you. Find other ways to deal.
Good Luck!
Blessings
Ocean 13

[Amie2]

I agree with some others here Picture Perfect. You need to see someone. And covering part of your mirror might help. I go to anorexics and bulimics anonymous meetings which talk about eds being an addiction. I find it helpful to hear the experiences of other people. I also find a therapist to be helpful. Maybe your ed 'voice" is just telling you not to see a therapist regarding this? Just a thought.

Amie

[DePressMe]

Hi PicturePerfect, I too struggle with an eating disorder. Getting help was one of the best things I have ever done and it is in no way a waste of resources--you are worth every bit of it. Counselors helped me deal with my distorted body image, low self esteem and my need for perfection. Self help groups have also been a valuable resource.

I also work in medical education, so I understand the stress you are under to be "perfect." Premed and medical school is grueling...but, it is often not the content of the learning that makes it difficult for success--it is the unrealistic expectation that you will be or even can be perfect. Remember you are human--perfection is impossible.

If you really want to make it in medical school, you will need to get this under control. Now is a good time to start working on it. I am very passionate about medical education and would be happy to talk with you if you ever need somebody to listen. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[Raindrizzle]

I agree with just about all of the above posts, seeing someone is highly encouraged and greatly beneficial. I know how hard it is to bring yourself to getting help. But you have to, it can only help. I suggest that you research some therapists in your area that are either ED specialists or have worked alot with ED patients. Screen them out, interview them and find out which one fits you best.