Fighting temptation

It's tempting to check into a motel and purge the night away. See how much I can do, what can be done. OD on whatever I can to get half my insides out. Crazy, isn't it?! Yet, we do stuff like this. What I've been doing is mild compared to what I'd like to do at a motel. I'm not planning to do this, though. I rescheduled the appointment with my T from next Tuesday to a rare opening this Saturday. He didn't have anything for tonight. This will be the cash price, expensive guy for $170. It could be my last with starting this other stuff. I'm afraid to talk to him about what's going on today, but I'm considering writing and dropping off a note to him tonight. And then maybe begging in the note to limit conversation about it on Saturday. I am so embarrassed to talk to anyone about this stuff. Not eating much if anything is one thing. Purging is totally different. It at least still feels "safe" to talk to him because I don't know of any plans yet of him talking to these new people I'm starting to see who want me medicated. I'm sure that he will talk to them at some point. Even if he asks me to sign a release on Saturday, it wouldn't be until the end of the appointment so it would still feel safe. I also know that it wouldn't be a regular communication between him and these other people. He gets to the office in 2 1/2 hours. I'll try to work on a note during this time and take it when he gets there. I don't know for sure if it will happen, but I'm at least planning it for now. I could almost cry right now not knowing what to do.