[itsjustme111]

Alone again
I'm all alone with my head
Hurt again
I've hurt myself one more time
Can't pass this off on someone else
I try to hide it but I do this to myself
Crying again
Tears pave streets down my cheeks
Screaming again
My actions rip my throat raw
I could blame you, say this is your mess
I'd know I was lying to myself but it would hurt less
Alone again
I'm all alone with my head
And the pain keeps coming through my body
Hurt again
I've hurt myself once again
My face is a map of pain

My chest pain is really bad today. The twitching is in my fingers now. I tried a simple glass of water. I was trying to get something in before I was brave enough to go for the blood work that I was supposed to do on Friday. Well I didnt go. Like I said; "my actions rip my throat raw." Not even water. Sick, my head is just sick. My little girl went to a birthday party, so I sent my son and bf out for supper. I dreaded the fact that I would have to cook and tell them once again, I do feel well, I cant eat. So here I am, in pain and all alone.

justy

[itsjustme111]

Sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry. My daughter came home from the party. She has tons of fun which is good. But my kids wanted a bed time snack. I had such a hard time making it. I held the tears back. My daughter asked what we had for supper, she was at the party. I told her that they went to Denny's. She said what did u have. I said I didnt feel well, that I stayed home. She just went, ohhh. I said that the flu is going around and its hard to get rid of. She said, ya. Both my kids have a cold and my son never fully recovered from the chicken p. The spots are gone but he still feels a little rough. He's not sleeping well and gets so many headaches/migraines. Wating for the appointment date to see a specialist. Hoping soon. Poor kid, wish I could take it for him. Damn is what I say. Just not fair.
Anyway, its easier for them to accept that I am not eating right now because flu bug going around. I feel so guilty lying. They are just too young for me to say; "I have an eating disorder." Just hate this deception. Its not right, they derserve better than what I give them.

justy

[ktp]

(((((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))))

I know you're having a hard time right now. The lying is the worst part. I know with my own kids when they say mom whats wrong I always smile and say nothing. But they're kids and they should be allowed to be kids as long as possible. Really, when they're old enough to understand, they'll "get it". Don't beat yourself up so bad. (I know...it's really hard, and easier said than done. I know, trust me)
I really hope things start getting better for you real soon.

Take Care.

[itsjustme111]

Thanks ((((ktp)))). You are so right, they are too young to understand this. Kids are smart, they know when something is not right, but this is way too much. I do the same thing ktp; smile and say nothing is wrong. I also agree; they need to stay kids as long as possible.

Thank you very much.

justy

[ktp]

(((((justy))))) You're very welcome.

I might presume too much, but I think you and I have alot in common as far as childhood is concerned. I was not allowed to be a child, that's why I'm so dang adamant about my kids staying kids. I started raising kids about the time I was 12 years old, while my mother dealt with alcoholism, drug abuse and untreated bouts of psychosis. I think I was a little harsh and I apologize for that (if you think so too) It's really hard just being us. LOL. Sometimes I think I work too hard to protect my children, but when they're old enough, they'll understand.

Take Care.
BTW: you're doing a great job MOM!

(((Hugs))) again.
Kimberly

[itsjustme111]

I think you are very right. We have many similarities. My father was an alcoholic and my mom worked so much so she didnt have to deal with it. I took care of myself, was a lonely place. My sisters; well no more needs to be said there.
I dont feel good at all. With this back pain, I am not doing so good. I took a bunch of meds; was stupid cause I have not eaten in days. I tried the carrot thing and that was no good. My tummy does not like me too much. Too many pills with no food or drink. Just my coffee which is not tasting so lovely either. I wish I could order new parts; especially a brain. One that works.

Thanks ktp; your a great person.

justy