Daughter's ED: Advice & Comments Welcome

My wife and I are coming to grips with the realization that our 12 year old daughter has a full fledged eating disorder.

Since being alerted to the condition by a friend (daughter with ED) we've been trying to figure out what we can do to derail this thing before it get's too entrenched.

At present the disorder appears to be anorexia by itself with no binge / purge cycles going on---yet.

Beside weight loss, my daughter is showing the following symptoms:

Preoccupation with food--she has a secret drawer in the kitchen where she keeps "her" food, she sits and watches cooking shows on TV non-stop, she reads recipe books frequently and actually makes fairly complex dishes / meals but then won't eat them.

Desire to excersize--she'll sit in front of the TV (watching cooking shows) and do sit ups / hula hoop the entire time. She wants to go the gym all the time and participate in the cardio programs whenever she can.

Addtional symptoms are: she is sleeping alot more than usual, with drawing from her friends, her face is drawn and pale, her back is getting pretty bony, she usually has pretty good sized circles under her eyes, and has been in and out of ketosis (bad breath) a couple times as recently as a few weeks ago. Here hair also has looked dull with no shine from time to time.

We've taken her to see her pediatrician who couldn't find anything physically wrong (MRI was negative) and wants us to take her to an ED treatment center ASAP.

As of today, she's 5 ft. 2 inches tall and weighs 87 pounds. Two weeks ago when we started to take notice of what was going on, she weighed 89.5 lbs. In the past couple of months she's lost about 12-13 pounds.

We've sat and talked to her alot lately about the dangers of her situation. We've educated her (she gets straight A's in school) on nutrition and anorexia in the hopes that she would admit that she had a problem and would realize that she actually can eat and not gain weight uncontrollably.

Although these discussions are non-adversarial and seem to go OK, we're not seeing much in the way of progress. We're pretty sure she understands how her body uses the food that goes into it, but she continues to be very selective about what she does eat and will only eat in very small amounts.

She enjoys playing sports and we've made it clear to her that we would not allow her to continue if the weight loss also continued.

We tried making a deal with her about a week or so ago where we said that she had to make some progress (no addtional weight loss) otherwise we would end the sports and enroll her in an ED program.

This morning's weigh-in showed another pound lost since last week and so my wife and I have now started looking to begin treatement.

We are both coming to the conclusion that this thing is alot bigger and more complicated than it appears--especially to those who have never gone through it. So we are now reaching out for help and will gladly take any ideas, comments, advice that is offered.

Thanks

You and your wife seem like nice people so the Maudsley treatment might work for you. Just google Maudsley and you should be able to find info on it. Maudsley treatment is a disaster for dysfunctional or abusive families but I think it has potential for families that aren't dysfunctional. Good luck.

I really hope she's ok...*sending good thoughts her way*.

hi...
your posts.. said... ideas... coments ... advice... so here goes...

First... my heart goes out to your family...

as a teenager.. I hoarded food.. exercised excessively... and... never "saw" my true body image...

my problems relate to sexual and physical abuse in my childhood..

I am NOT suggesting that this is happenning for your daughter... I made the comment... because my treatment program may very well be different than your daughter's... because for me.. at 52... I had a re-occurance of my ED... 6 years ago.. and needed treatment for... the sexual abuse that happened in my childhood...

So... what have I found out in the last 6 years...

1. As a person with an active ED, I will "lie"... about what I have eaten... how much I have exercised... and I was a project manager...
trusted - with records and personal data in a hospital... wouldn't think of betraying a privacy.. of another... would make a work deadline no matter what... my friends are long term and trust me with their lives BUT when it comes to my ED.. I cannot be trusted.... I lie to my friends and to my 23 year old son... and I still do....

2. there are dietcians... that specialize in ED's... and they are helpful

3. therapists... that specialize in ED's or have experience in treating ED's are helpful... generalized therapists..have not helped....

4. ED's are tough.. tough... tough... and.. the longer they go on.. the more damage they can do.. and the harder they are to cure.

5. People.. especially 12 year olds... can recover....do recover.. will recover...

6. there are most likely support groups in your area for ED's... perhaps your wife could go... and gain some more insight for your family... I say your wife.. because it is usually all women.. and they might be more forthcoming if it is your wife present.. and not a man..


If your daughter's back is "bony"... then in my opinion... you need to find a way of treatment... you as a family... need support in this...

Finally.. I am so so so sorry that your family is experiencing this... I wish.. I could make it better.. I really do....

Hi,

Your daughter condition is serious. Please don't use treatment as a form of punishment for not gaining weight. I feel it is absolutely a necessity for her. It should be addressed in a positive manner. I don't think punishing by taking away privileges is going to work the way you want it to. She is in serious danger of major health consequences.

Please get outside help. You and your wife cannot deal with this yourselves. Do some research and find a treatment center that works with adolescents with eating disorders. Don't put her in an inpatient facility that deals with "addictions". She needs a team that works exclusively with eating disorders. Expect it to take some time. This is not a quick in and out fix.

It is wonderful that she is getting help now and this is not going to progress. Find a good therapist, ask lots and lots of questions. Get a referral to a eating disorder inpatient treatment program. Please don't delay. I am concerned.

Many thanks to all who took the time to post, offering advice and concern that we will take to heart.

I will take a few moments to check out the Maudsley treatment-as recommended by Embarassed.-Thanks for sharing the info. We're learning as we go and a little education is always a good thing.

Labyssum--I think your **good thoughts** actually made it to us--I'll explain a bit later in this post....

Freewill--I am so sorry to hear of your past. The things that happened to you are inexcuseable. Noone should ever be allowed to do such things to children. When our eldest daughter was six, we had an "incident" during a sleepover at a friend's house. Luckily an adult was there to stop it--had she not it, could have been a very bad situation. I hope and pray that you can and will overcome your experiences. It sounds like you do have alot of good things in your life and I wish you the best of success. Your points, 1 through 6, make very good sense. I will take each of them into consideration as we proceed--thanks.

Cloudy--I know that it sounded like we were threatening "treatment as punishment" in the original post, but it actually has not gone over as that harsh of an ultimatum. We've talked at length with her about how this thing may and probably will require outside help. She seems to be fairy accepting of this solution as a logical next step--at least that's what she is saying to us at present.

Since Monday we have contacted (left three or four messages) a very well known treatment center in our area but have not been able to get a return call. I did call another out patient center today that also specialized in working with adolescents but couldn't get past a busy signal. I plan on making more calls tomorrow and will hopefully have some options soon.

Thanks also for the advice--I get a sense that you really know what you are talking about and appreciate you taking time to share it with me.

OK, now for the latest and I have to ask, is there really something to all these "good thoughts" that have been beaming in? You be the judge:

Last night, after a pretty bad day where she pretty much didn't eat a thing, she marched downstairs from her bedroom sat down in the kitchen and asked me to make her a grilled cheese sandwich. She also asked for some spinach salad and applsauce. She then proceeded to clean her plate and then ate two mini Reese's cups for desert, and then declared herself "full". No games, no bartering, no substitutions, no whining or crying. She just sat down with a big smile on her face and ate like we have not seen in a couple of months!

This morning, she willingly ate a bowl of shredded wheat before going to school. She told me when she got home that she ate all of her lunch as well. Although I have to take her word on the lunch--she looked good, was in a great mood, and had plenty of energy so I had no choice but to believe her. Now for dinner, she ate another large salad with strawberries and pears in it, toast, some tortellinis and had another couple mini Reese's as desert then walked off to watch Idol, whistling, with a big smile on her face.

We're also pretty sure that she is not purging--we've got no evidence and she isn't disappearing to the bathroom just after eating.

What gives? Although I'm happy to see some food being eaten, I'm extremely suspect. We'll see what happens tomorrow I suppose.....

Thanks again for all the kind thoughts and words.

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We're also pretty sure that she is not purging--we've got no evidence and she isn't disappearing to the bathroom just after eating.

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I don't want to scare you or turn you into a Nazi but she could definitely be purging. It's actually reaaaaaaaaally easy to throw up without going to the bathroom. It didn't take me long to figure out how to throw up SILENTLY and quickly in a trashcan in my bedroom. I've thrown up right under people's noses without ever going to the bathroom and no one ever suspected a thing. I once threw up in the laundry while my roommates were right in the next room and they didn't notice. I've pretended to run upstairs to my room really quickly to grab a sweater and then throw up in just a minute and run back downstairs with my sweater. She could easily cover up by saying she's going to her room to do her homework or something innocent like that.

Any time she has ALONE after eating is an opportunity to throw up her food. Try to distract her for at least half an hour after dinner. Ask her if she wants to watch a TV show with you or talk about how her day was, or maybe take a walk at the park or something. If she starts getting antsy it means she's probably purging. Keeping her away from the bathroom isn't enough. It doesn't matter if she is in the bathroom or in the living room. Make sure she is NOT alone for at least half an hour after eating.

Hi there,
I think first you need her to admit to you that there is a problem. Admitting that there is something wrong may be the first step to recovery. You may be educating her that its hurting her body but people with eating disorders might feel that the health issues don't matter as much as being skinny does.
You say she has straight A's, which is great, but this also mean that she could be a perfectionist. She might feel that being skinny is being perfect, but with the right support you can help her see otherwise.
Staying in the sports is a good idea so she'll remian happy and fit, but make sure she is not over doing it. One sport is fine but 3 or 4 is just too much for the eating disorder body.
Treatment sounds like a great idea at this point because it doesnt sound like she is doing too well. Maybe ask her if she wants to join a support group so she can talk about the feelings she is having.

Good luck!!

I just read your second post now,
I agree a bit with Embarrassed, she might have a binge purge problem, or she is just trying to eat a lot so that you don't take her to treatment. Anorexia doesnt shut off right away, so I'd be watching her carefully.
But hopefully that is not the case and that she is starting to realise food is actually good for her health!
best of luck
*A*

EM--thanks a million for the info. I had a feeling that it was a lot easier to hide than trips to the bathroom, but as with many things on this journey--I was drawing lines for my benefit and not hers. Although I'm not goose-stepping around the house with a riding crop in hand, I will be watching things alot more closely.....thanks

We've actually have an appointment with a dentist and should know shortly if purging is part of this.

Also, she's up a half pound since yesterday, ate a decent breakfast and bopped off to school this morning....

Hi,

i really do hope you're daughter is starting to realize she has to eat...and hope you are not offended by what i am about to say but...as someone who has battled anorexia from my teens...i think it's fair to say i know most of the ways to cover it up. one is right before weigh-in time....i really genuinely hope this isn't the reason for your daughters slight weight increase...is to drink all the water you can stomach...makes you weigh in at more than you really are...until you gotta go.

as said already...i genuinely hope you're daughter is eating better and gaining weight...and sincere apologies if this post has offended you.

good luck with your daughter.

KJ--Thanks for that one--we'll be on the look out for it next weigh in.

Also, LuckyYou, thanks as well for your info and insight. I'm getting my education thanks to your posts. Everything you guys say here helps and I thank you all for it.

I feel a bit one sided here, that is, I'm not so sure what I can say back to you guys that could help you with your situations.

Besides deciding to drop about 20 lbs about 3 years ago, I never really focused on eating other than to satisfy hunger.

I will say, however, that my weight loss was not without "incident". I remember getting very frustrated due to the fact that everything I tried failed. This all changed though when a friend told me about his succesful weight loss when he started substituting protien for carbs in the food that he was eating.

By reducing the process down a to a "math equation" where I could adjust the variables (carbs, protien, fats and exercise) I was able to finally solve it.

Once I knew how do it--it became a non-issue for me. Although I wasn't as far along as some of those who participate on this forum, my continued inability to drop the weight I wanted to lose was creating some food related anger issues that in turn were spawning some fairly skewed thinking and behavior. Here are some examples and it's OK if you laugh:

I resented and became angry with the people who made food for me, bought food for me or offered it to me--they were, in my frustrated mind, part of well coordinated conspiracy that was trying to keep me overweight!!!!

I became angry with my body. It went sort of like this: "Why do you (of all people!!) want me to stay overweight so badly!!! I'm telling you what to do (we are team aren't we?) and you won't do it!!!! " And then this: "OK so you won't play ball--as a punishment you won't get any food at all"

And then when I'd cave in and eat like crazy due to starvation, I'd be angry at myself for "being a spinless slug with no willpower".

It went on like this for while. In addition to the starvation route, I went on a tomato juice only kick that lasted for about a week or so, then there was a soup only thing. I gave up for a while and pretended not care, tried doing a million sit ups and so on--all with no success whatsoever.

Once I had that chat with my friend and then went online and bought a couple books, I had the feeling that I might be on to the solution. I used ketone strips to tell me if I was in ketosis (burning fat) and when that first one turned purple--I knew I had it figured out.

The frustation went away, so did the resentment against food and "the people" out there who were trying to keep me overweight. I started trusting myself again and made friends again with my own body.

In tinkering with the equation during the past 2 - 3 years, I found that the easiest and most satisying variable for me was excersise. By going to the gym regularly, I could indulge myself and eat some of the high-carb stuff that I like but not pack the pounds back on. I also found that an hour at the gym, three days a week, has done wonders as a stress reliever.

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, I hope that it helps any of you who may be in need of help.

Thanks again for the continued support and good luck to al lof you!!

no disrespect intended but all the stuff you've mentioned in this post about your own issues with weight / attitudes to food etc...

your daughter is 12 yrs old...and even toddlers learn their attitudes towards food from their parents. i had an anorexic friend once who couldn't figure why her toddler wouldn't eat...i told her straight...food never passed her own lips, her toddler had never seen her eat and probably thought mom was trying to force her to do something weird.

please...read back over your last post as though someone else had written it...wouldn't it enter your head then that any problem / bad attitude your daughter has re: eating may come from what she seen you go through?

sorry if this post offends you but i'm thinking of your daughters good health and well being.

peace & good luck to you.

Hey rdartist:

There's a really great forum/resource site for parents of ED guys and girls.

The website: http://www.feast-ed.org/
The forum: http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/

Check them out- I know they are very supportive, and give a lot of help for parents.

Also, I really recommend the adolescent programme at Remuda Ranch acute inpatient facility in AZ.

RR site: http://www.remudaranch.com
Their phone number: 1.800.445.1900

Wow I would like to start by telling you this. I've worked with a lot of adolescense, and please if there is one thing that you can and are doing right here is just support her. Let her know you care and that you are avaliable. But I've been in treatment many times. I've suffered from the age of 7. And my mom and I am a whole nother story support is a whole nother story. But don't be the food police. What I mean is the more you watch and hound her the more rebelious her ed will get. She will find a way to purge. And that doesn't always mean vomiting. Laxitives. Running. See we find a way. Also you made a comment on her teeth I am 35 and I suffer from anorexia type 2. Purging type. My dentist has never said one bad thing about my teeth. And my doctor says that I'm just genetically lucky.
What I am trying to get across to you is that there is really something going on inside on your daughter. She's crying out. She's hungry sh's empty, there is a need for this for her she is numbing herself. When you can't understand this, think about your deepest sorrow, taking it all on blaming yourself for everything. Not being able to control or fix it. Meet everyones needs so you need to internalize, so you don't hurt or cry out and hurt anyone else. When she doen't talk it's because she doesn't want to cause ripples. Somehow this eating disorder is working for her. Wether it is that she wanted the 2 of you closer or she is just afraid to accept more challenges in life. The one awesome thing that I always seemed to notice with the younger girls in treatment. If the parents hung tough. And I mean tough, tough love is hard but get educated first. They seemed to heal and get better a lot faster.
I wish that I would had had that support, I didn't I would had rejected it and fought it at all cost at first, but in the end. It is love true love that heals us.
I hope that I didn't come off wrong to you. But I sit now at 35. And I have 3 children and am very sick. I will never, let them go alone what I did. And I hold a huge resentment till this day, that I still feel that they would have watched me die. Because they weren't educated and didn't understand.
It may be the death of me one day, I hope not. But this is serious and it's not about just eating.