[iamtwilight]

I didn't eat much during the past week. Only on Tuesday when I had lived on minimum nutrition for over a week I was super hungry so I decided to eat and my bf goes "No! don't eat that much!" (tho a bit later he asked if I wanted more, wtf)

I'm restricting like €€$76565@£ and he has seen it. but he doesn't seem to think much of it.

I didn't eat when his friend was over and he asked if I had ever been diagnosed with anorexia or bulimia because of it. I took it as a compliment.

I'm SICK. Crazy.

And today I ate because my stomach is rumbling all the time and I feel nauseous because I'm overdosing on caffeine tablets and all kinds of dumb meds.

My mom is complaining because I ate most of the food that she left for me and my dad. I swear it wasn't THAT much.. it was a normal meal. And I feel SO bad! I need my stomach to stop rumbling.. but I'm still feeling bad.

And I can't stop restricting. What I have written in this message implies that even those who are supposed to love me, think I should be restricting all the time.

I can't say about this to anyone because I'm normal weight... therefore it is not an issue. I tried to talk about it once to my psychologist (who no longer treats me) but she said that I'm normal weight so it's not an issue.

And I don't want to stop because if I go back to normal I will gain all the weight and be overweight again.

but I'm still hungry.sometimes it goes away with caffeine... but now it's there all the time. -huge sigh- it never stops..

<font color="purple">In my opinion, if you aren't eating, then it's an issue no matter what weight you are, and it is unfortunate that they aren't more supportive. </font>

[wishfulmuscle]

i know what you are saying about being a normal weight.

im muscular, so no one can even tell that ive been losing weight according to the scale.

if someone asks if im underweight, i say no and tell them what i weigh, they always lay off. its kind of an incentive to keep restricting for me.

[iamtwilight]

Thanks for the replies Kaika &amp; Wishfulmuscle.

Sometimes I think I want to stop because it's unfair that other people can eat and I can't because I'm fat. In my own eyes.

And when people tell me not to eat, it makes me think they think I'm fat as well.

They just don't see that I'm fighting against it all the time, fighting for acceptance... to be told that i'm "ok". I'm good enough. I don't need to lose weight anymore.

Maybe I want to hear, "if you lose any more weight you'll look terrible".

But I'm so short that being underweight suits me.. probably. and I realised in Geneva, where people were kinda tanned, that being bony really suit them. If you're pale and really skinny, it looks rather freaky.

I know you musn't diet for someone else. You must do it for you. I want to look good for me, I swear I do, but I know I will never look good in my eyes.

Last year in October I was sitting with my bf at a coffee house and I was telling him about ponies, really small ones, and he said that only Japanese can ride them because they weigh so little. Like 80 pounds.. I asked if that was normal over there and he said no, but it's the ideal.

can i just cry here please...

His ex-gfs were Japanese. He said it was stupid, that he almost got himself manipulated, they expected him to become someone else. That with me, he knows what real love is.

But I can't get over the fact that he has had someone much more beautiful than me, and I will never be beautiful. I will always be a big frickin whale.

which is why he is most likely constantly looking for something better. i can't even stand to look into his eyes because I feel he doesn't love me anymore, that I'm just a big whale who deserves no love at all in the end.

And even my mom can't stand me weighing less than her. When I lose weight, she makes me eat so much that I gain 10 pounds and she brags about weighing 115 while I weigh 125 and feel terrible about it. I don't know what she wants! Maybe she just wants me to feel crap about me.

I hate myself but don't want to die because it scares me.. but I want to show everyone what I am capable of. that I indeed do have willpower. I just want to be happy with myself.

it never stops.. even if you want it to.

[Kiya]

(((katie)))) I understand the mom thing. =( You're right - you gotta do what is good for you (what your body is REALLY telling you). If you can learn to eat proper balanced meals and get off the caffiene pills your body will feel better and come into balance. Hard to do - i know well - but it is worth it. If you continue on like this you will set yourself up for *serious* health issues later in life. Try to tune out your mom - ignore her. Can you see a nutritonalist???
Thinking of you and really hoping you can come into balance.
kiya

[iamtwilight]

(((Kiya))) i know.... if being healthy isn't good enough for them then screw them....

i think i have seriously misunderstood some things my bf has said.. which is good. he wants me to be there, said if i want to get married and have kids that's ok. i don't really, but it's good to know that he'll be there.

so that is one thing that has made me feel better.... only the eating disorder stuff is still there. i don't think of it as... well.. a constant thing. it's more like "occasional".

a nutritionist? well... i don't think i could afford it =( and i guess i wouldn't even take the advice at this point.

but i know i don't want to live with serious health issues. or die or anything like that. i guess i want to stop. i want to be healthy. but still.. argh, decisions are difficult, life is difficult, but you still gotta do something with it.

i don't think i'm getting anywhere with this rambling so i'll stop ;D

it was good to hear from you kiya. very good actually.

[Kiya]

((((Katie))))
some stores (at least here) do have nutritionists that are free. I actually have yet to see one. It's on my list. I called but they were busy and said i should call again *sigh*. At this point, i don't know that they could tell me anything I haven't already learned via trial and error (heh).

Hoping for the best for you!!! Hugs! Kiya

[darkrunner]

Hi Katie,
Just wondering how you are doing with your eating lately. ....are things going any better for you?

With care and concern,
ktgirl