[darkrunner]

I was in a store dressing room this morning trying on pants.
(All the ones I currently have are too big now.)
I was shocked to look in the mirror and see myself.

I am disgusting.
I have lost so much weight - it is not attractive.
My husband said he won't touch me again until I gain 10 lbs.
He is begging me to gain weight.

But I'm so foolish and stupid -- why do I want to lose 5 more lbs?
I know I am unhealthy, I know I am too thin, I know I look awful.
Where it this obsession coming from!!!!
And why can't I control it.

Don't know why I'm even posting this, as usual.....just venting maybe.
I wonder sometimes if anyone else is in the same place as me. I am not starving to be skinny, I am starving to control, to SI, to look as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside?? IDK. It is just one of those days that this feels hopeless.

[cantstopcrying]

Am not today where you are--but I was. Literally. In a dressing room looking in the mirror. And I got so scared by what I saw and thought. I was 5'10 and 113 pounds and looked great! Or thought I did. Maybe my thighs were still little too fat, after all, my size 3's didn't quite fit right. I looked in that dressing room mirror and starting shaking, and sweating, and was nauseated. I couldn't stand up. In nothing but underwear and a bra I sat down on the dressing room floor and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I have no idea how long I was there, don't remember getting up and getting dressed. I know I was still shaking when I left the store. At dinner that night I made my normal broth, then had a couple bites of mac and cheese. I started to eat a little more daily. Then looked in a mirror a week later and saw nothing but fat. That night I ended up soaking a tub because I was in so much pain (I needed to have a bowel movement but couldn't because it was the first time I had put something solid in my mouth in quite a while). After that, I took the mirrors out of the house except for the small ones in the bathroom to do makeup. I made a resolution that no matter what I would put weight on but I would not weigh my self nor look in a mirror. God that was hard. All I saw when I looked down was fat and ugly. That incident in the dressing room--seeing EVERY bone I had sticking out, scared me so bad. I eventual got up to the weight I set for myself--125. Still everyone said I was too skinny. I settled at 135 and was sooooo unhappy there--but I kept thinking of that damned dressing room and also of my girls: I did not want to teach them that behavior. (I wish I could say I was still at 135 because as much as I hated it then I'd give anything to go back to that or even 20 pounds more. I was on medication that put weight on me terrible and right now I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum I was just 8 years ago.) I'm sorry to have rambled, but I just wanted to share and let you know you aren't alone and I hope you don't get to the point where you are sick from trying to get thin.

[darkrunner]

can'tstopcrying -

thank you so much for your response.

WOW. what a journey you've been on. I wish I had the fortitude and perseverence that you had to come back from 113.

Maybe I will find it within myself one day....hopefully soon.

I am grateful that you shared your experience.
It is validating and does give me hope.

with appreciation,
ktgirl

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

Am not today where you are--but I was. Literally. In a dressing room looking in the mirror. And I got so scared by what I saw and thought. I was 5'10 and 113 pounds and looked great! Or thought I did. Maybe my thighs were still little too fat, after all, my size 3's didn't quite fit right. I looked in that dressing room mirror and starting shaking, and sweating, and was nauseated. I couldn't stand up. In nothing but underwear and a bra I sat down on the dressing room floor and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I have no idea how long I was there, don't remember getting up and getting dressed. I know I was still shaking when I left the store. At dinner that night I made my normal broth, then had a couple bites of mac and cheese. I started to eat a little more daily. Then looked in a mirror a week later and saw nothing but fat. That night I ended up soaking a tub because I was in so much pain (I needed to have a bowel movement but couldn't because it was the first time I had put something solid in my mouth in quite a while). After that, I took the mirrors out of the house except for the small ones in the bathroom to do makeup. I made a resolution that no matter what I would put weight on but I would not weigh my self nor look in a mirror. God that was hard. All I saw when I looked down was fat and ugly. That incident in the dressing room--seeing EVERY bone I had sticking out, scared me so bad. I eventual got up to the weight I set for myself--125. Still everyone said I was too skinny. I settled at 135 and was sooooo unhappy there--but I kept thinking of that damned dressing room and also of my girls: I did not want to teach them that behavior. (I wish I could say I was still at 135 because as much as I hated it then I'd give anything to go back to that or even 20 pounds more. I was on medication that put weight on me terrible and right now I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum I was just 8 years ago.) I'm sorry to have rambled, but I just wanted to share and let you know you aren't alone and I hope you don't get to the point where you are sick from trying to get thin.

[tracy33]

Almost exactly one year ago, my therapist called in my husband and told him I am anorexic and I needed help. I can remember how good that made me feel. It was an accomplishment. However, I also remember looking in the mirror and seeing a skeleton and changing a bunch of times so no one would notice how thin I was getting. I remember my husband telling me I was getting too thin and I looked like a boy. I liked the attention. I was messed up.
Today, a year later, I no longer count calories, weigh myself, or care much about my weight to a degree. I am over the anorexia. I am healthy. I eat what I want, when I want. I am a size 3. Still thin, but I still think I'm fat at times, but I have no intentions to go back to the unhealthy lifestlyle.

[darkrunner]

Tracy,
thanks for sharing your experience. I am where you were.
I like being horribly thin - it DOES feel like an accomplishment.
I AM messed up.

Can you tell me how you turned it around, and in only a year?
Did you do it on your own? Or if not what kind of help did you have?

You've given me some hope - thank you.
ktgirl

Originally Posted by tracy33

Almost exactly one year ago, my therapist called in my husband and told him I am anorexic and I needed help. I can remember how good that made me feel. It was an accomplishment. However, I also remember looking in the mirror and seeing a skeleton and changing a bunch of times so no one would notice how thin I was getting. I remember my husband telling me I was getting too thin and I looked like a boy. I liked the attention. I was messed up.
Today, a year later, I no longer count calories, weigh myself, or care much about my weight to a degree. I am over the anorexia. I am healthy. I eat what I want, when I want. I am a size 3. Still thin, but I still think I'm fat at times, but I have no intentions to go back to the unhealthy lifestlyle.

[tracy33]

I was taking (and still am) Topamax for Bipolar, which helped me to lose a great deal of weight in the beginning. Well, my therapist told my pdoc about my anorexia, and my pdoc, being an eating disorder specialist as well, contributed my eating disorder to the fact that I was on Topamax. She threatened to take Topamax away from me. That was my wonder drug and I feared I would gain all the weight back. I told her it worked for my moods and I couldn't bear to go off it. We agreed upon a healthy weight, which was thin enough for me, anything to stay on Topamax. I just did not want that drug taken away at all. I think that is what helped me.
Also, I started Prozac for depression and that is supposed to help with eating disorders too. It kinda gave me a "who cares" attitude.
I still sometimes wish I was back in that place where I was last year, thin as bones. I still don't eat healthy. I eat junk and skip meals to make up for it. I still fit in some of the same clothes, but fat hangs out. Gross!

It sounds like you're really wanting help, keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Tracy

[luckyyouxx]

ktgirl you are not disgusting! you said that about yourself when you posted in reply to one of my threads... it concerned me.
you may feel disgusting but you are not disgusting, you are a wonderful girl who is fighting a not so wonderful disease... all of us here need to stop being so hard on ourselves...even though it is tough to do.
start small, you should try to take that word out of your vocab, and replace it with something more positive!

your bf doesnt want to touch you until you gain 10lbs you say, but still you want to lose. it looks like losing weight is doing NOTHING good for any of us here...
i wonder why it is so hard for us to accept ourselves and our bodies?

[darkrunner]

Thank you Lucky....

you are right - we need to stop being so hard on ourselves.

I don't know why we can't accept ourselves.....
I'm trying to fnd a new T who specializes in EDs to help me figure mine out, because I'm no getting anywhere on my own.
But even just changing the way I talk about myself, as you said, is a good place to start.

[luckyyouxx]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

Thank you Lucky....

you are right - we need to stop being so hard on ourselves.

I don't know why we can't accept ourselves.....
I'm trying to fnd a new T who specializes in EDs to help me figure mine out, because I'm no getting anywhere on my own.
But even just changing the way I talk about myself, as you said, is a good place to start.

A good therapist makes a lot of difference, so im glad you are finding a new one.
My T told me to start with catching all of the judgements I say to myself. For instance "I don't need this cookie because I'm fat," "i cant wear this shirt because i look ugly in it" or "uggh i cant stand my hair today"...
i was so suprised how many times i discouraged and judged myself daily, most things i had no idea i was even saying to myself. but once i paid more attention to myself i was able to stop some of them before i even said them. even if it meant stopping what i was going to say - mid sentance.

you never know, it might work for you too