[kaleena]

hey all, im a new member...and hoping to share things with others. obviously i have bulimia as well. and only until quite recently ive discovered why ive developed it and why my life for the past 10 years had been so based on diet that it's lead me to this point in time where im a bulimic. and i dont understand that. i want to stop, but i just cant. and so far within a year and a half ive only been able to escape 2 days without binge-purge. and i so want to stop cos this isnt me and im living a life of lie and pretense...and i know my parents and friends will be so disappointed if they knew...because im a medical student so they probably assume i would know better. but someone please help me stop..
and im currently writing a paper on bulimia(on purpose to hopefullyhelp me stop!) and will be giving a presentation on friday. i don't know how to face this ...it's like i have no integrity..
i want to stop but cant. i think i have what it takes but a day without it seems so hard...like a day not a day at all

[kaleena]

And just to add..im actually of normal weight..slightly underweight due to anorexic-purging type...and that's what i don't understand!! WHY AM I SO SCARED?

[drunksunflower]

hey kaleena

i did the same as you for a really long time and never told anyone about it either ... and was always pretty much of normal type weight ...

i don't really have much to say to help but ... i got rid of it by learning lots about food and exercise so i lost weight in a more sensible way and i think my metabolism is improving after so many years of f**king it aournd. your reasons for binge/purging may be completely different to mine ... i've only ever done it to control how i look (which in turn contributes to my self esteem .. etc etc).

I still have a problem with it when I put on weight for an uncontrollable reason - i have had some depression in the last year and while prozac made me sick and decreased my appetite, celexa made me crave food sooo badly.

funnily enough i have just finished my PhD in psychology.

sorry this is a bit of a ramble ... there are people in here who have some really good advice and insights, and i hope it helps you.

[Rapunzel]

Hi Kaleena,

Do you have any idea what you might be scared of? Maybe of gaining weight? And if so, why might you be scared of that? What does it mean to you?

I don't know how to help you stop with the bulimia. You already know what that's going to do to your body, and of course it's not good for you emotionally either. I think it takes professional help. You'll need to go to your doctor and ask for help with it.

As far as knowing knowing better and still not being able to stop, you are not alone there. I am continuously self-destructive. Although self injury is my main vice, I may have an eating disorder too. I haven't gotten into bulimia, but I skip meals most of the time, and use a dieter's tea that is a laxative. I'm normal weight, although I eat way too much chocolate (and hardly anything else). I know better too. I've finished my B.A. in psychology, and haven't gotten into graduate school yet, but I want to be a psychologist. Both of my jobs have to do with mental health - one of them is at a facility that treats girls with a lot of the same issues that I have. At the other job I keep finding myself in the position of educating parents about many things that are my issues too. I'm trying to tell people how to avoid or overcome the same things that I'm struggling with in my own life. My T keeps pointing out the separation between my professional self and non-working self, since I deal with the same stuff at work that I can't deal with in my own life. I guess knowing it isn't the same as applying it.

I think that issues like eating disorders, etc. are bigger than we can wrestle with all by ourselves. It helps to have support, such as you can get here, and I hope that you keep coming back here and join our little family. You also need to get professional help.

p.s. I like your website. I have a blog too, but haven't had the energy to keep up with mine much in the last few months, despite my best intentions. You're welcome to PM me if you like, about anything at all.