[Wysteria]

I have a problem with trying to protect my therapists and put them on pedastels or in bubbles so I can't soil or corrupt them with the darkness inside me. The one I see the most is the only person in the world that even knows me....but because I regard him so highly, that sometimes I don't trust that he really sees the bad parts or even sees me as a female. I am extremely honest and even blunt with him, but he still seems to like me. It confuses me to no end.

But when he can't hear me or understand the images my head, I get so afraid.
Like, do you remember the story of the Velveteen Rabbit? I was crying the other day and telling him I was going to die with all my fur on. He didn't get it.
I was terrified of the image and lonliness, but in the same second, glad that the darkness inside me was out of his reach, and he stayed 'pure'...but does thid mean that his view of me is different than a regular human male? Does this make any sense?

Or like when a female therapist I sometimes see (in my mind she is unicorn, strong, mystical female) does things in group therapy with anger or her body, it makes me feel disconnected and dirty...and sends me into a tailspin of unresolved feelings...

Please tell me you understand what I'm talking about and what I'm doing so wrong?

WB

[pegasus]

Hello Wysteria,

So am I right in thinking that you haven't really shared all of your feelings with your therapist because you don't want him to see the dark side of you? You put him on a pedestal. I really think this would be an amazing thing to share with him, that this is how you feel. You have said that he still seems to accept you so I think sharing more would be a good idea.

Is he like a regular male? Most males are good people but if you have been hurt in the past then you are going to be wary.

With your female therapist, you imagine her to be on a pedastal also until you actually see what she does in the group therapy. Again, I think that has to do with your past experiences of women and you have said it brings up unresolved feelings. Are you able to share with her also how it makes you feel dirty?

Therapist's are trained to cope with anything and they have heard all sorts of traumatic life stories. I think it would be so good for you to share how you have tried to protect them for how you perceive yourself to be too 'dark' to share.

You haven't done anything wrong, you have carried on behaviour that has kept you safe. This realization of what you do, where you say you put that therapist on a pedestal to protect them, actually is a big step forward and now you can take another leap and share that information with them. You'll find when you are on the same level in sharing, you'll make even more progress.

I hope this makes sense.

[Wysteria]

Dear Pegasus,
Thanks for replying. I always trust your advice.

Actually I have shared the bubble/pedastal things with them... They say they understand that I am trying to protect them from me and from my ability to make others around me hurt, or tainted. They say they are trained to protect themselves and me..

But when he gives me back feedback about myself and it is positive or whatever, I get confused. My male T is wise and sensitive, and he hears me. But he is so UNlike any other male I've been around, that I think he only sees me as white wizard, not as a male. Yet he says I'm supposed to learn a new relationship paradigm of what men can be like and how I can deal with them. But, noone else cares about me and they look at me with hateful eyes and words and deeds. So it contradicts what he is showing me and I just come back more hurt because I tried to be authentic and open. He does not lie to me, so what he says confuses me. I figure it must be my problem in my head, and it just poleaxes me. I feel like then he cannot possibly see the real me even though I try very hard to be open and answer him honestly even if it totally embarrasses me.

Imagine coming out of cave you've been in a long time....someone tells you that it is warm and safe up in the meadow...they walk with you through all the tunnels...you are blinded by the light and feel the warmth and smell the grass and fresh air, and then suddenly you are being stoned by the people in the shadows. Your guide is not there....By the time you get back to your cave, you are even more afraid and even less likely to believe that living in the sun is a good thing.
"Expectations are like premeditated disappointments."
It just keeps getting darker and colder in my cave. Even if I had a mirror, I can not see what I look like....

The female T was supposed to be good female role model full of feminity and power. NOT. I like her, but she can be sarcastic and gossip like other mean women. She also lies. I hate that. She has overcome so much in her life, but I don't respect her anymore. Again, I don't trust feedback she would give me about who I am or what I look like. Unfortunately that has been proven incorrect in her groups...

-the troll.