How To Approach A Husband With Speculated Depression?

My Husband is depressed. Over the past 2 years his moods have totally changed and I feel he's been a completely different person. He never seems satisfied/happy with anything. It's become quite difficult for me to be around him at times because I never know what will get under his skin. One day he will be on cloud 9 and we'll have a great day together, then the next I feel like we are strangers. He has acknowledged in the past that he has issues but he has never seen nor will he see a Dr. about it. It's really become draining, not only on our marriage but I worry about our kids as well. I'm really lost and I don't know how to approach this with him without him getting defensive. He needs help and quite honestly I find myself battling the blues now as well because I just don't feel like I can make him happy. I've had panic attacks and anxiety issues just trying to cope and meet demands. I just can't do this anymore. Can anyone offer advice/suggestions on how to talk to him about getting help? Thanks in advance!

Hello MamaKay3, welcome to Psych Central.

That is a difficult one if he cannot recognise that he has a problem himself and if he won't go to the doctor that means he would reach crisis point before getting help. Maybe you could sit down with him and talk about it as a relationship issue, maybe say that you have noticed he has been unhappy. Ask if there anything bothering him that he would like to talk about. Sometimes talking about it can be a big release. If you sound concerned rather than pushy, he is more likely to not get defensive about it. If you start the ball rolling and put the ball in his court so that he feels like he has made the decision to get help rather than feel like he has been pushed into it.

You might like to try the Relationships & Communication and Partners of People & Caregivers Support forums for more ideas on the way forward with this.

Did something happen a couple years ago, did he lose his job or you all have some sort of setback? I would try to approach him from a friendly/loving angle, one of concern when you recognize he seems "absent"/more Cloud 1-4 instead of 6-9 :-) and just gently talk to him about how you feel, how it hurts you to see him unhappy, is there anything you can do for him, how you are thinking of seeing someone to help yourself/your own problems and maybe he might like to go along, see someone together, etc. Just get a conversation about "life" going that cannot be viewed as about him only or blaming, etc.

Dear MammaKay3,

It is a difficult situation for all that are involved, especially the children who learn how to manage emotions and circumstances through parental behavior.

Telling him he needs help, he hears that there is something wrong with him.

Sometimes men just need their "space", they don't want you to solve their problems.
You cannot make him "happy", and now you are being infected, feeling defeated, including physical anxiety with panic attacks. I hope that you seek out professional help for yourself.

The children need at least one stable parent try not acting emotional to his tactics.
Talk to your children one on one and ask them how they are doing/feeling.
Don't put Dad down! (not saying you are/would) but allowing free expression of how they feel will give you a better understanding if therapy would be good for them too.

2 years is a long time of being depressed and being with a depressed person.
A lot of times when one person goes for therapy they learn coping skills and if you integrate
these in the home things will slowly start to change.

I hope things improve, I wish you and your family well and thanks for sharing.
There are many people who are living just like you, so reach out, someone will answer.
Happiedasiy.