Friend help.

Hello. This will be lengthy, but please read this, I need help.

Almost a year ago, I met this girl. Over the year, we became really close friends, to the point where we consider each other one of the best friends we ever had.

After a while of knowing her, I found out that she had many problems with the people within our social circle. She used to be and still is, although a tiny bit less than before, very promiscuous which is a cause for most of those problems.

Through our friendship, as we got to know each other better, she told me some things about her that left me stunned. This was actually the moment where I realised that I should never judge people before I hear their story.
In fact, some of the things I am about to mention I only found out recently.

She has had a very tough life. She has been the victim of rape twice, her father used to abuse her and beat her wen she was a child to the point where she would be near unconsciousness and be left with very visible bruises about which she had to lie about so people would not find out. She was verbally abused and judged by teachers and peers.
At this point I realised that her behaviour and the mistakes linked to sex and commitment she continually continues to make might be a result of the things that happened to her in the past.

I lately realised that she is most probably a sociopath. I'm also pretty sure she realises this, as she has mentioned it.

A couple of weeks ago we had a very honest, long chat after drinking.

She told me that she realises that she only uses most people to her advantage. That she is using her female best friend but never told her. That she only lives for the moment and somehow can't make herself consider the future when making decisions although she knows she might regret them. She told me that she would love to be able to stay committed in a relationship with just one person and spend her life with them. Then she proceeded to tell me that she believes that due to the fact that she uses people, she is a horrible person and that she wants, and knows she deserves to die.
In a brief instance, she did say that she thinks she deserves better and that she wants to, but can't bring herself to.

She mentioned that I am the only person she ever told all of this, especially the bit including her sociopathy.

I want to help her, but I don't know how.

And then:
Lately I started wondering whether this is her attitude towards me, too. But although I know one should always be careful around what someone with this disorder might say, I don't think it is.

She tried to commit suicide earlier this year, in April. She overdosed on pills but then in the last moment told her mother, who called the ambulance.
When she was in hospital, she called me. She told me what happened and asked me not to tell anyone else. To this day, I remain the only person except her mother who knows she has attempted suicide.
We also are interested in each other as more than friends. But once she told me that she wants to be with me, but doesn't want to right now as she doesn't think she would be able to remain faithful and she doesn't want to ruin what we have.
I was quite confused by this, but then I realised that it might be a good thing. Because if she just wanted to use me, she wouldn't tell me and probably just get in a relationship with me instead.

Q1:
What do you make of this? I really care about her, and I believe she does care about me despite her disorder. Is that possible?


(I believe that my view might be more plausible because of the fact that I'm the only person she was honest with, and that she avoided using me/lying to me about our relationship even though she does that to other people. Also, I'm pretty sure she realises that I have helped her; once I overheard her saying something along the lines of mentioning that I saved her life.)

She told me once that she really did have true feelings for someone in her life but she can't see them as she was forced to move to a country we both live in right now and both hate.
I feel that over the time I became some sort of a safe house for her, as she mentioned to me a in a couple of weak moments that I'm the only person she can talk to and the only person she has. I helped her every time. A couple of times, she said that she loves me.

Q2:
Are there varying degrees of sociopathy and can a sociopath still have some true feelings?

And my last question is, how can I help her?

Leaving someone you care about and ditching them even though I know I make them better is not a thing to do, so please don't tell me to do it, please.


Finally, I should mention that she is seeing a shrink, and used to take medication. Currently she doesn't take medication as she doesn't want to gain any more weight. (the pills caused her weight gain.) I told her she shouldn't do this, but she wouldn't listen.

Thanks loads to anyone who takes the time to answer my questions. I'm very grateful.

Hello, perpetuum. You seem to be hearing only what you want to hear because of your feelings for the person. There is a parade of red flags.

You seem to be getting something from this relationship. Even so, keep in mind you likely are being manipulated, and your ability to help someone under that circumstance is unlikely.

I think you know the downside of what you are doing. If you can accept the downside, nothing I say will make a difference.

I wish you well.

I agree with Glok about all the red flags. And you can't help someone not willing to help themselves, such as take her medicine. I would not count on a long lasting relationship with this person. You could get hurt very badly.

Hi perpetuum, I agree with both glok and gayleggg. Sounds like she is depending on you for support and understanding which is great for her to have someone like you in her life. But other than that she is not making any commitments or promises to you. What are you getting out of this relationship? It is good she is seeing a shrink but stopping her meds on her own is not! I understand you not wanting to just up and leave her, but unless she makes some big changes that is what she will do to you. She can't keep blaming her past on her behavior today. I hope things work out for you and that she gets better for her own good. If she says she is doing it for you forget it because the first time she gets upset it will be all your fault. She needs to do it for her.

Hello, perpetuum, and welcome to Psych Central! How do you know if you are really the only one she has told all these things to, other than her giving you her word? I suspect she has told some other people.

You are a decent person to want to help her, but a friend is not going to be able to do so. As the other folks said, I think it would be best if you perhaps visit together now and then, if you can just keep it at that. She is not someone you will be able to get involved with in a healthy way. Sociopaths can easily manipulate people, even people they think of as friends. And, despite what you would like to think, you are no exception.

She sounds very troubled, but not like a sociopath to me. Has she actually been diagnosed with this or is she feeling bad about actions she has taken in the past?

Maybe the best thing you can do to help her is to model a healthy relationship. Have clear boundaries with her. Don't let her take advantage of you. Call her out on bad behavior. Treat her like you would treat a good friend, not someone you feel pity for or someone who has had a tough life.

I would also prepare myself for the possibility of losing her friendship without taking it personally. Sometimes people who are that bad off need a lot of time and practice to get better.