[VMblue]

I noticed a trend where, just before going to the doctor or my counselor, i feel great and even feel like I do not need any help and can actually do this by myself. I still have that little voice in my head telling me I should give up and that I am not good enough or not meant to be happy, but it is not as overwhelming as on other days. I can do my work and tell jokes. I have an appointment with both tomorrow, doctor in the morning and counselor in the evening and from yesterday I started feeling ok. I had a bad episode last night, but this morning I feel like the old me that could take on the world.

Maybe this isn't the case with you yet I'll share: for me I've found it is a defense mechanism. I'll use denial, telling myself I'm fine and everything else is okay, to avoid the real issue(s) on my mind so once I get to the appointment it really does seem that way to me but is clear to the counselor things are not. Basically I've made myself believe something that clearly isn't true to avoid the discomfort of sorting through those issues during the session. Does this sound anything like what you're going through?

[VMblue]

That sounds like me. I tend to get really defensive about my personal live in general. I tend to treat every situation and even people like a business contract.
Somebody at work, just after I posted this, mentioned that I have really been overdoing the coffee the last couple of days. I used to drink about 7 cups a day, but starting my new job I did not have time and only drank one in the morning and two in the evenings. The last week I am drinking about a cup an hour. And I actually feel like my old self again. This made me wonder if the coffee was repressing the depression and when I stopped I had a full blown melt down? I started the job in March and was at my absolute worse during June & July starting to feel better during August which is also about the time I took up my coffee again. But I am not even sure there is a relationship between the two.

Originally Posted by VMblue

That sounds like me. I tend to get really defensive about my personal live in general. I tend to treat every situation and even people like a business contract.
Somebody at work, just after I posted this, mentioned that I have really been overdoing the coffee the last couple of days. I used to drink about 7 cups a day, but starting my new job I did not have time and only drank one in the morning and two in the evenings. The last week I am drinking about a cup an hour. And I actually feel like my old self again. This made me wonder if the coffee was repressing the depression and when I stopped I had a full blown melt down? I started the job in March and was at my absolute worse during June & July starting to feel better during August which is also about the time I took up my coffee again. But I am not even sure there is a relationship between the two.

It's good that you've noticed this

Maybe there is a connection...I'm not able to say with certainty...

This was a few days ago; have you seen your counselor since then? If so, were you able to mention this or anything else you've realized?

[SnakeCharmer]

vmblue, the connection with coffee consumption is an important one for me. For me, it's definitely a psychiatric mood stabilizer
______

I usually feel good (mentally) before going to the doctor, even if it's a new one I haven't seen before, but especially with one I know.

Before going, I organize my thoughts, deciding what issues to prioritize for discussion. That process helps me self-analyze what's important what's just an annoyance.

When I get there, everyone is pleasant to me. The doctor pays attention to what I say and we discuss problems and options together. He listens. Gives feedback. That's very nice.

Because I spent time before the appointment self-analyzing what's been going on with me, by the time I get there, I don't feel like complaining or whining. I just want to get to the point, offer my bit, and wait for him to offer his bit back. Sometimes we disagree. We've learned how to disagree respectfully with each other and how we can both avoid acting stubborn. We listen to each other.

Out in the rest of my life, people don't actually want an answer to the question, "How are you?" Except to hear, "Fine, thank you, and you?"

That's why I feel good before hand, even if I don't feel so good. When the doc says, "How are you?" I can say, "It's been rough." He gets a concerned look on his face and says, "Tell me what's going on."

He's not ever going to say, "It's always something with you." Or "I don't want to hear about it. I've got problems of my own." Like out in the real world.

[VMblue]

I have not seen my counselor as something unexpected came up last week and he had to cancel. But I am going on Thursday and I will mention it to him. I never even thought that it might be something to mention!

I have only had one session previously where I was assessed. So I don't really know what to expect from Thursday's session.

SnakeCharmer, you are absolutely right! Maybe I feel better because I know that someone has to listen to my whining and maybe a little bit hopeful that maybe they have the answers I have been searching for. I currently ruminate a lot, so it is difficult to organise my thoughts. Maybe after a few sessions, things will get easier and then I will definitely try doing that.

Thanks guys. Super hugs to you all!

[pegasus]

I always used to feel good (and also nervous) before therapy, as I knew I was actually getting the help I needed, to go and get that support, to see someone that cared, yes I truly looked forward to it.