Please Help

First things first, I want to apologize for this being such a long post, but it feels good to finally get this out there.

I started seeing this Therapist a little over a year and a half ago. She is without a doubt the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and it didn’t take me long to figure that out. Before I knew it she meant so much more to me than just a Therapist. She is like my best friend and she is all I think about. I have been going to see her every week and it is the only thing that I look forward to. Everything in between our sessions together is a distraction. We have so much in common, an interest in psychology, same musical tastes, and similar hobbies. A few sessions we just spent the whole hour talking about different bands that we liked. I usually don’t like to throw this word out there, but I am completely in love with her. Now, I know she is my Therapist and, on top of that, she is married and has a family. I’m just scared to death that this ends badly for me. I can’t even explain the pain I feel when I think about our relationship ending. In the recent months I have been doing a lot of self-medicating because I don’t know what else to do. I can’t tell her how I feel because I can’t take a rejection from her. I know she will be very kind and very gentle when she rejects me, but a rejection is a rejection, and for me, there is no coming back from that. All I know is rejection and I can’t take another one, especially from her. I want to be with her so badly it physically hurts me. Not in a romantic sense or anything (although that would be amazing), but as a friend. Unless she has been lying to me, I think we could have an amazing friendship. But I think ahead to a day when she may no longer be in my life and it makes me sick that I may not be able to see her because of some boundary issue. I don’t think I can live without her. I only have a handful of people in my life that matter to me, and I can’t lose her. I just don’t understand how two people can connect the way we do and, if one day my insurance decides not to pay anymore, we just cease to exist to each other. I’m sure she is much more objective than I am, but I don’t connect with people that much, and I don’t want it to end. It scares the hell out of me. I have researched whether or not a Therapist and a client can remain friends once therapy is over and I haven’t found anything that gives me any hope or peace of mind. So I guess I just wanted to come here and ask the same question. Is it ultimately up to the Therapist whether a relationship can continue outside of therapy or is it something that is written in stone. If anyone has any advice on how to go about dealing with this please let me know. I’m so conflicted and things feel so hopeless.

Hello psychstudent1989, welcome to Psych Central.

What you are talking about is called transference and is often a natural occurrence in therapy. Think about it this way, for the first time in your life you have someone that listens and cares and is helping you to find a way forward with your mental health issues. The thing is though, there is also a big power divide there and professional authorities recognise this and if a therapist reciprocates the 'love' in the wrong way they are then likely to be struck off. Now, it's not all bad news because a skilled therapist knows how to deal with transference issues in the right way and it can be used in the therapy process effectively. An unskilled therapist may cause damage.

As for your question about friendship after therapy has finished, well the laws and regulations are different for each profession and area. For example in the UK a registered clinical psychologist has to wait two years after therapy has finished. You would need to check with your therapist professional board on that one.

You might like to check out the Psychotherapy and the Romantic Feelings Toward My Therapist forums where you can get lots of advice and support from others in therapy.

I was in love with a group therapist once. I knew about transference but I wanted her to be my one on one therapist. I decided against it because of transference.

Personally I do not see anything wrong with being friends after therapy or even during therapy provided the therapist is able to maintain very healthy boundaries. This may be unethical though because it would depend on how you perceive the friendship and the fact you would probably want more out of it.

Thank you both for your replies. I was aware of the transference concept going into therapy and I knew it would be something I would have to grapple with eventually. In my previous therapy it wasn't as much of an issue because there was a significant age difference and we did not have that much in common. With this new therapist, we are only 9 years apart and I just was not expecting to have so much in common with her. It's like if I had met her anywhere else but therapy we would have absolutely hit it off. Then again I'm pretty shy, so we probably wouldn't have. I guess its ironic that therapy is the only reason I know her and feel as close to her as I do, and its also the reason I may never have anymore of a relationship with her. I'm just scared that because our relationship started in therapy that it will always be seen as that to her. If that's the only way I can see her I hope I never get better.

Note: when I say friendship I don't mean trying to communicate with her nonstop. The last thing I want to be is a bother. I basically just want the option to get together and talk every now and then in a less professional setting and more of a give and take kind of relationship. She has already indulged quite a bit of information to me about her personal life. For example her husband and I both play guitar and we also share the same musical interests, which leads me to believe that there could be a friendship there as well. The whole situation is just such an emotional rollercoaster. Its very exhausting to go through week after week, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. My liver would probably disagree but right now its the only way I feel that I can cope with this.

I know this is something that probably needs to be addressed with her in therapy, especially since I'm trying to deal with it at home in very unhealthy ways. I'm just terrified of her response, and then things will be awkward between us. Any advice on how to navigate this without leaving myself completely vulnerable?

Again, I have rambled on. I just found this forum so everything that I have been holding inside for over a year is making its way to the surface.

Hello psychstudent1989, I think you know what you need to do. Yes you need to share these feeling with your T. The transference can be a really useful thing when both of you are aware of it and it can be used for great healing. If your T is competent, she will know how to move forward with this with you. It's likely she is already aware and waiting for you to take that next step of sharing that with her.

psychstudent...you asked in your beginning post to this thread....

So I guess I just wanted to come here and ask the same question. Is it ultimately up to the Therapist whether a relationship can continue outside of therapy or is it something that is written in stone. If anyone has any advice on how to go about dealing with this please let me know. I’m so conflicted and things feel so hopeless.

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the answer is that here in the USA treatment there is ethics laws that state what treatment providers can and cant do with their clients....

example each treatment provider (unless they are working in private practice by their self) has an agency boss (person who hired them to work for the mental health agency) and a supervisor (direct person who over sees their work and cases) there is also a state wide panel of people called the state board that also governs what a treatment provider can and can not do, plus here in the USA we have a nation wide agency that over sees what a treatment provider can and cant do called the american psychiatric association.

this may sometimes make it a bit complicated where relationships with treatment providers are concerned, because the treatment provider must follow what each one of these chain of commands say they can and cant do with their clients.

....in general....treatment providers follow what ever ethics rules they have imposed on them from the agency that they work for and the state ethics board. they leave it up to the state ethics board to be following the nation wide ethics laws.

here in the USA each state has their own set of whats called Dual relationship ethics laws. some states say there can be a friend type or intimate relationship between ex client and ex therapist after one year of that therapist and client ending treatment others have a much stricter ethics law.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider or call/email/write your states ethics board for clinical social workers. both can tell you what the ethics laws in your state is that your treatment provider must go by. They can also tell you what the ethics laws are for the agency that this therapist has been hired to work with follows for this kind of thing.

Thank you amandalouise for the advise. It is something I will definitely look in to in order to gain a little more clarity on the subject. Everything that I have researched up until now has had a lot of grey areas in terms of non-romantic relationships once therapy ends. And I know that if we were to have a friendship after therapy I wouldn't be able to return to her for therapy. My main thing is that seeing as how we have so much in common and I am getting ready to start working on my degree in psychology, the transition from client to friend seems like it would be a really easy one to make.

Pegasus, you are exactly right, and I have dropped little subtle hints here and there in our sessions. I know that I should bring it up to her, but that leaves me extremely vulnerable and I'm terrified of what her response will be. I mean once it's out there I can't take it back. I think the only way that I will bring it up to her is if I just can't cope any longer (which is rapidly approaching and is ultimately what brought me to this site in the first place) or if she were to suggest that we end our relationship.

I grew up in a small town. I am now back in that town after 30 years of being away. There was a therapist my family reached out to when I was a teenager. When I came back I found out he was still practicing and was considered the best therapist in town.

Well recently he had an affair with a client and he is married. He for sure crossed a big ethical line and was fired. He may have lost his license as well. He is not practicing anymore I do know that. What a shame really but it goes to show that therapists no matter how good are human too.