I don't know how to continue

So I'm resorting to online forums because our country's suicide hotline wasn't available at 4PM, 8PM and 3AM over 3 consecutive days.

My story.

I come from a middle-income family with hard working parents. They treat me and my sister right. They are really loving parents. Everything went alright till I got into college. My first year I failed a lot and decided to change towards something different, something a bit easier. However in doing so, I lost all of my friends from high school and that first year in university.So I started over. This time in a university which is more to my skill. Made a lot of friends and really blossomed there. However my academic points were still lacking.
I think I do know why I did poorly in school though. It's definitely not the lack of wits or being able to comprehend the subjects. This may sound a bit cocky but I graduated from a high school as an honour student with straight A's. (This is my countries comparison to American system). Yet I think that I was just tired of studying and more focused towards real life education (hence learning on the job in societies). Whenever the time came to really study hard, I became a serious procrastinator. Even when studying it would not seep in. Our tutors aren't really the type to talk to because they have 600+ students in every lesson. So I ended up with a lot of failed classes, which I lied about. I have kept on lying about grades for the last 2 years and it finally caught up with me.

I just heard the news that I am forbidden to return for another year at that university. I am not allowed to return to the faculty unless I get a degree somewhere else (minimum 3 years). Then I could try some special program.
I have taking different positions in clubs (Student council, AIESEC and others) in which people depend on me. However I am not allowed to return. This + the fact that a lot of people will shun me and make my life miserable again, give me a hopeless feeling.
I am fortune for having such great relatives and friends yet I let all the different options slip out from under me.

I would have committed suicide already if it wasn't for the pain that it causes to the people around me. They have no right to be the bearers of it. However my internal suffering is too big for me to handle and will eventually catch up with the consideration towards them.


I don't have anyone I can really talk to in real life. Part of it is a macho guy thing of not talking about your problems but the truth is I have been lying to everyone I know for 2 years straight about my grades...
It sucks that this just fell on me when I was head of a youth society and member in 3 other organisations.

I just don't know what to do, how to continue...

You are not the first person to flunk college, but it is understandable that you feel down. Perhaps you are not cut out for it yet. Perhaps you could get a job, learn as you say on the job, and come back to a degree later when you are ready and motivated. I was not ready to start on my degree until I was 29 and my sister held off into her forties, and then went onto do a masters! In the UK there is increasing scope for traineeships where people learn on the job as the cost of university education has soared. Some continental countries are more advanced in this respect I believe.

I feel the same in some ways but not to do with college currently, dropped out of that a few years ago never to return....not sure what to really say, but i get the thing about not having committed suicide because you don't want to hurt people around you with it and cause them pain...but on the inside its just too much and the concern of how it will eventually catch up. Thus far I try to find distractions and have gone to the ER twice when I was feeling very likely to act on thoughts...so if need be I try and force myself to do that or tell someone like told my therapist one time because I didn't think I'd follow through with getting to an ER myself both times I had anxiety about the whole psych ward thing...but guess it was better than the alternative.

As for the college stuff they'll find someone else for the positions you took in those clubs, so try not to feel too guilty about that. I couldn't complete college because it was too much stress and now am on SSI, but if you're still functional enough for potentially working maybe a technical school or something might be a better fit since I think its more hands on based than acedemic a lot of the time.....SSI kinda sucks so I don't really recommend that unless you really, really cannot attain/keep employment. There are options even if the college doesn't work out so I if that is any consolation try and keep it in mind.

Not so sure the not talking about stuff is a macho guy thing, lol maybe but I am female and don't like to talk about my problems or feeling bad IRL...I will get on places like this and vent for some outlet part of it is as a kid I got a lot of shame and guilt tripping if I tried talking about problems. Of course it comes out other ways like I might be irritable at people(which I hate).

Hello riddle me this, welcome to Psych Central.

You are feeling bad because you lied to your friends about your grades for 2 years? It's not actually a huge deal. Everyone makes mistakes, you are a human being. Own up to your friends and explain why and they will understand. Then go and see a career counselor or do an online career matching service and see what it says will suit you with your current qualifications and take it from there.

It concerns me greatly that you now feel suicidal over this, you have a future! Please seek help through your doctor, it sounds like you need immediate support for your mental health state.