[Kagesquirrel]

I have a nephew on my wife's side of the family who appears to have some mental health problems. The dilemma for me is that my four year old daughter is being bullied by her seven year old cousin. He is endangering my daughter and no one seems to be paying attention to the red flags. I am the only one seeing and hearing warning signs during their interactions. He has learning/speech problems that have finally been addressed the last year or so, and he is getting special help for that academically. I don't know what kind of problem he has, whether the behavior is coming from some sort of abuse, or if it is a mental condition he was born with.
What is the best way to handle this situation? I correct the behavior when it affects my daughter and I never let her be alone with him in a room or outside without me watching. But most of this is happening under everyone else's noses. I cannot trust any of my wife's family to watch them. They are either not paying attention, or ignoring it and hoping it goes away. I have to keep an eye on them every minute during a get together, because no one else can be relied on. No one talks about it, and my wife didn't believe me until I started telling her specific words and actions that have happened.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Thunder Bow]

Keep her away from him at all times. If his parents will not take action on this, it best to wife's family away from you and her.

[kindachaotic]

Does this boy have any siblings?
Agree you shouldn't take your eyes off them when together.
Welcome to PC btw!

[googley]

It is your responsibility to protect your daughter whatever that takes. My recommendation until he gets his behavior together to keep them apart. Her safety needs to come before any repercussions from your wife's family.

[sabby]

I agree that your child must be protected at all times from her cousin. Now that your wife understands and believes the issues, maybe you can tag team each other while watching your child with her cousin. In this way you will both have some time off and be able to socialize as well as keep your daughter as safe as possible.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It certainly sounds like a difficult situation and my heart goes out to all of you.

[That What]

The problem starts with unequal Identifier comparisons. Nephew and Niece = cousins or son and daughter = siblings.

Cousins are two strangers relating through stranger long distance familiar connections. I hated multi-family "holidays." Multiple siblings were expecting multiple children to adhere to child's personal-parent house rules while visiting Grandma's house.

What you see as bullying daughter at your house is a little boy looking up to an uncle and trying to be like his uncle while uncle is acting as a Daddy.

He is not trying to bully her. He is trying to protect her same as her Daddy. I wonder if may be a little boys Daddy yells at little boys Mommy or so he's heard or been told witnessing a "husband-wife spousal" disagreement.

Our Dad stated "grandparents" house rule. Holidays children could eat and drink whatever children wanted to stop one parental set, threatening spanking a child over doing something other children "cousins" parents and grandparents let children do.

Protecting your daughter is harming girl. Unless Daddy is attached 24/7, Daddy cannot ALWAYS protect daughter in non-daughter situations.

Sit on ground so all our physically "grounded" a non-threatening physical position. Questions. "When you yelled...what were you meaning to say or do? You can find problem then come up with solution or house rules differing.

Instead of "fixing" problem, your daughter learns opening communications resolving problems between two bigger "boys." A huge valuable lesson so when little girl turns into a bigger girl, bigger girl remembers hearing man to man communication resolving techniques and can come to "daddy" saying. "I need help speaking with a bully boy so bully boy can understand I don't want anything to do with him."

Then Big father figure and girl side by side sitting as big father figure speaks with boy and boy starts seeing and hearing big father figure saying "stay away from my daughter" any time he sees big girl near and turns away avoiding girl's father so big girl stays safe.




.

[*Laurie*]

When I was growing up I had nieces and nephews (I was the youngest in my birth family, so my nieces & nephews were roughly only a decade younger than I). One of my nephews (an only child) was a danger to my other nieces & nephews. We found out how dangerous during a family gathering when my nephew (at age 5, he was very big and powerful for his age) pinned down one of my little nieces and tried to strangle her. A horrible situation, but my sister & her husband handled the problem really well. ANY time my dangerous nephew was in the company of their children, his cousins, my sis and BIL kept a very close watch. Without exception, their kids were never left alone with their cousin. In that way any tragedy was avoided.

I agree with every other post on this thread - don't ever take your eyes off your daughter when her cousin is around.

btw, there is a happy ending to my story. My dangerous, mean, bully of a nephew is now a 38 year old man, a 'gentle giant' standing 6'7", intelligent and sweet-natured. There is no evidence of the demonic-acting child he was, he adores his cousins, and thankfully because an eye was always quietly kept on him after the near-strangling, nothing bad ever happened.

[Kagesquirrel]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

Does this boy have any siblings?
Agree you shouldn't take your eyes off them when together.
Welcome to PC btw!

Thanks! He doesn't have a sibling now, but his mother is now pregnant so he will have a sibling soon. Which also worries me because if he does not receive help for his behaviors, I feel like it could be a danger to the other child later on.

[Kagesquirrel]

Originally Posted by That What

The problem starts with unequal Identifier comparisons. Nephew and Niece = cousins or son and daughter = siblings.

Cousins are two strangers relating through stranger long distance familiar connections. I hated multi-family "holidays." Multiple siblings were expecting multiple children to adhere to child's personal-parent house rules while visiting Grandma's house.

What you see as bullying daughter at your house is a little boy looking up to an uncle and trying to be like his uncle while uncle is acting as a Daddy.

He is not trying to bully her. He is trying to protect her same as her Daddy. I wonder if may be a little boys Daddy yells at little boys Mommy or so he's heard or been told witnessing a "husband-wife spousal" disagreement.

Our Dad stated "grandparents" house rule. Holidays children could eat and drink whatever children wanted to stop one parental set, threatening spanking a child over doing something other children "cousins" parents and grandparents let children do.

Protecting your daughter is harming girl. Unless Daddy is attached 24/7, Daddy cannot ALWAYS protect daughter in non-daughter situations.

Sit on ground so all our physically "grounded" a non-threatening physical position. Questions. "When you yelled...what were you meaning to say or do? You can find problem then come up with solution or house rules differing.

Instead of "fixing" problem, your daughter learns opening communications resolving problems between two bigger "boys." A huge valuable lesson so when little girl turns into a bigger girl, bigger girl remembers hearing man to man communication resolving techniques and can come to "daddy" saying. "I need help speaking with a bully boy so bully boy can understand I don't want anything to do with him."

Then Big father figure and girl side by side sitting as big father figure speaks with boy and boy starts seeing and hearing big father figure saying "stay away from my daughter" any time he sees big girl near and turns away avoiding girl's father so big girl stays safe.




.

You're right, I don't think that her cousin sees it as bullying. From what it looks like, he seems unable to control his behavior most of the times that I have to step in and stop him. I don't agree that protecting her is harming her though, as I have seen with family members on both my wife's side and my side have been traumatized by abusive situations involving cousins/aunts/uncles. I do have constant conversations with my daughter and always give her a chance to resolve the situation before I intervene. But I think you're advice about having sit down conversations with her cousin is extremely helpful! There were several opportunities the last time they were together and I think it might have at least given me a better idea as to what the problems are.