[x123]

If somebody can tell me the name for this problem, then I can google and possibly find some self-help books. I am seeing a therapist, but it isn't helping.

My problem is that I'm very rude and hateful to my brother - even though I have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice to try to make his life better. We are business partners, but I hate to even see him. I don't understand why I behave this way, and it defeats the purpose of trying to help my brother when I am constantly hateful to him reflexively.

So what is that problem called?

I think you've name the problem yourself - Hate,

I am guessing it is based in resentment. You haven't indicated what the differences are between you and your brother currently or in the past. I am guessing much of this stems from your past. Perhaps something happened to you that didn't to him. Perhaps he had an easier time of it growing up or even had preferential treatment. Do you even percieve him as unfairly having and 'easier' life currently? Maybe he has material things or relationships for which you also resent.

Hard to tell, but resentment is something I sense. There is no other name for it than that. I wouldn't think there is a phsychological category for this.

[x123]

Originally Posted by rcat

I think you've name the problem yourself - Hate,

I am guessing it is based in resentment. You haven't indicated what the differences are between you and your brother currently or in the past. I am guessing much of this stems from your past. Perhaps something happened to you that didn't to him. Perhaps he had an easier time of it growing up or even had preferential treatment. Do you even percieve him as unfairly having and 'easier' life currently? Maybe he has material things or relationships for which you also resent.

Hard to tell, but resentment is something I sense. There is no other name for it than that. I wouldn't think there is a phsychological category for this.

I am currently seeing a therapist. My main purpose in therapy is to solve this problem, but the therapist has little to suggest and the sessions always digress into other issues.

I have always thought that I need to understand the source of these feelings so that I can fight them better. The therapist seems to have no interest in that approach. My unkind treatment of my brother has become reflexive, so maybe it no longer matters where it originated. I do care about him, and I try to find ways to help him, but when I actually see him I feel an irrational rage and disgust.

The only purpose to my life at this point is to help my brother and my elderly mother. I kind of gave up everything I had (career, friends, self-respect) so that I could help my family. But my behavior negates everything else.

The only purpose to my life at this point is to help my brother and my elderly mother. I kind of gave up everything I had (career, friends, self-respect) so that I could help my family.

That right there sounds like a good enough reason for you to feel resentment.

Maybe you need to look for a different therapist if you're not getting any benefit from seeing your current one. There are many different ways of doing therapy.

[littleowl2006]

Sacrificing your self-respect for others sure can create hate towards the ones you initially cared about. Do you take on too much responsibility? Do you feel the others are being ungrateful?
I am sure you can find articles on PC that go in this direction...
Take care and be good to yourself

[Thunder Bow]

Time to unplug from your bother and take of yourself, not him or others. You can not care for others if you do not take care of yourself. I can not judge you, thus you will not get a label from me.

[x123]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

That right there sounds like a good enough reason for you to feel resentment.

Maybe you need to look for a different therapist if you're not getting any benefit from seeing your current one. There are many different ways of doing therapy.

Last night I had the idea that I might be able to buy a self-help book and make some progress that way. Unfortunately I don't know how to search for books, because I don't know the name for this problem that I have.

I have thought about giving up on therapy. It was hard for me to find a therapist, so switching might be difficult (but not impossible).

[x123]

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

Sacrificing your self-respect for others sure can create hate towards the ones you initially cared about. Do you take on too much responsibility? Do you feel the others are being ungrateful?
I am sure you can find articles on PC that go in this direction...
Take care and be good to yourself

Can anybody tell me what "PC" means? Maybe that is the word that describes my problem so I can google for books?

[x123]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Time to unplug from your bother and take of yourself, not him or others. You can not care for others if you do not take care of yourself. I can not judge you, thus you will not get a label from me.

I was thinking about that last night too. Maybe my brother would be happier if I would simply go away. I hate to give up, because it is such a silly problem. Why can't I act normal instead of being rude to my brother?

I think if I understood why I feel so angry then I could do something besides acting out that feeling. I've been doing this 15 years, and this anger only developed in the last 10 years. I have invested too much effort to give up easily.

Originally Posted by x123

Can anybody tell me what "PC" means? Maybe that is the word that describes my problem so I can google for books?

PC stands for Psych Central.

Do you think you're employing the psychological defense mechanism of projection? I ask this because you said your feelings toward your brother are "reflexive." In other words, does your brother represent something that makes you uncomfortable about yourself? If so, what does he represent?

There is a concept called lateral axis between siblings and this book discusses it
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mitchell-Lat...Sibling+hatred

[x123]

Originally Posted by kindness

PC stands for Psych Central.

Do you think you're employing the psychological defense mechanism of projection? I ask this because you said your feelings toward your brother are "reflexive." In other words, does your brother represent something that makes you uncomfortable about yourself? If so, what does he represent?

LOL. I should have realized that is what PC means

In some cases I think there is projection. I probably see things in my brother that I do no like in myself. I think there is something else going on.

The problem is that I don't know if I describe things objectively enough that others can help me. I know how I feel about things, but I don't know if my perceptions are valid.

[x123]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

There is a concept called lateral axis between siblings and this book discusses it
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mitchell-Lat...Sibling+hatred

Thanks, that might be a possibility. The book is expensive, but I'm going to google to see if I can find some reviews that describe the theory.

[x123]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

There is a concept called lateral axis between siblings and this book discusses it
Juliet Mitchell and the Lateral Axis (Critical Studies in Gender, Sexuality, and Culture): Amazon.co.uk: Robbie Duschinsky: 9781137381170: Books

For anybody who is interested, I found this link that discusses the above book in more detail.
REVIEW Juliet Mitchell: ?Siblings? Cambridge, U.K.: Polity, 2003 | European Journal of Psychoanalysis

I am not familiar with Freud's theories, but probably my brother's presence makes me feel threatened or diminished.

[nicoleflynn]

Sounds simple; you are angry and resentful of sacrificing and doing things you dont want to.

[Thunder Bow]

You feel angry because you are not taking care of yourself. Also it is impossible to rescue someone from their troubles. Especially if they do not want heal in the 1st place. Best to back off, you will find that your anger will then fade.

[x123]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Sounds simple; you are angry and resentful of sacrificing and doing things you dont want to.

That is true, but it's more like I'm angry about past sacrifices. 15 years ago, it was a sacrifice to leave everything and help my family. In the first several years, I had opportunities to get other jobs and I stuck with my family. Now I no longer have any opportunities. My job skills are mostly obsolete, and I'm not young and energetic to start a new career.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

[avlady]

i think you should listen to jo here and the others. they all have some great points of view.

[x123]

Originally Posted by avlady

i think you should listen to jo here and the others. they all have some great points of view.

O.k. Jo suggested changing therapists. I hate to do that, because it was hard for me to find a therapist. I worked on this same problem several years ago with another therapist, and I couldn't make any progress that time either.

Maybe I should ask my therapist if there is some other approach. I have lots of problems, and I often digress into those problems instead of focusing on the problem with hating my brother.

When my brother and I became business partners (after my father was diagnosed with cancer and could no longer run the family business), I have tried to be carefully subordinate to my brother. I am always the person in the back room in a supporting role. Part of me just wants to free to be pursue my own ambitions and be in the spotlight a little bit. Now I'm old and tired, so I don't know if I could find a job. It isn't easy to find a job when you don't have a resume with similar jobs in the past.

EDIT: Another issue is that I don't think my brother appreciates that I try to support him. My pay is 40% of my brother's pay even though we both work almost all the time. I constantly use my personal savings as a business line of credit while my brother is always needing to take money out for his personal expenses. I feel that he takes me for granted and doesn't even recognize or care that I am unhappy doing this.

I also suspect that I have a tendency to imagine myself as a martyr and make sacrifices that aren't requested or acknowledge by others. I often had difficulty switching jobs due to my loyalty, but I suspect my managers considered my loyalty to be naïve. IDK (Sorry to keep yacking and yacking. I doubt anybody will read this far. )