If someone suffers from something like, let us say, shyness. Which is a better option: to try to change or to embrace yourself?

To give an example, I've tried to change and be more outgoing but to no avail so far, and this makes me stressed out and anxious, and if I talk to someone it ends disastrously, which makes me feel even worse.

On the other hand, when I embrace it and stay home convincing myself I better off the crazy world outside, and do whatever keeps me busy, I feel more relaxed and peaceful, but then suddenly when I remember I have no one in my life and no social life, while thinking that others are happier than me because they have friends and laugh together, the feeling of sadness and loneliness attack me, triggering a series of negative thoughts end up with tears and depression.

So, is it better to change yourself or to embrace yourself in this case?

[CANDC]

Hi Le.Monsieur.S that is a tough question and there are no right answers. Going out of your comfort zone and accepting whatever happens as a learning process is a different kind of accepting of yourself wherever you are. For me trying to get out of the rut and falling short of success brings me closer to success than giving up and being a couch potato.

Here are articles on accepting ourselves.
Psych Central - Search results for Change or accept oneself

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

Let me give you this idea of change in another perspective,

First I have to point out today, we live in instant satisfaction culture, I want to be rewarded right now and I don't want to wait.

Alright with that said, you say you experience stress and feel anxious. But do you not think that if you keep at it that the volume of those feelings would eventually get turned down?

Think of it like body building, do you not gain strength as you work out?

Think of it like learning a new instrument, does your playing not get better through practice.

The only time I would say it's okay to embrace yourself is if your dealing with a situation that's out of your control. An example like this is your sick, or you are injured.

Now with the idea I presented, do not think you have make a huge change overnight, there's no such thing, rome wasn't built in a day. You just have to take a little effort.

[2B/-2B]

Many stage actors and public speakers are shy. Yes, they are, but get them on a one to one (or a few) basis their shyness really shows.

Low-self esteem is the route of it.
CANDC (above post) pointed to accepting oneself as a means to overcome it. This is true.

I suffered very low-self esteem many years ago. I was so afraid of looking at people in the eyes for fear that they may see in me what I even didn't want to see in me.
I walked everywhere with my head down at the ground, only glancing up know and again to see where I was going.

To overcome this took me a few years of self-honesty and exposing my honesty to others. I still do today.
After I got over the initial fears of exposing my secrets to my therapist (much like a confessional) and realized that I was not that bad after all.
But most importantly, I realized I was not the only person with secrets - everybody has them.

Once I exposed my secrets, I no longer felt ashamed and fearful about myself. I accepted who I was.
Over time, I could laugh at myself in the company of others. I can freely talk about some of my crazy thoughts of the past and laugh at them.
The real funny thing is, all my friends can relate to them.

Self acceptance not only builds up our self-esteem, but can get to a point where self-esteem is no longer a need as it used to be.
A person no longer feels threatened about who knows who they really are.

No more shyness!
No more fear of what others may think of me, because I know my truth. If others think of things that are false about me, then that is their problem and not mine.

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi Le.Monsieur.S that is a tough question and there are no right answers. Going out of your comfort zone and accepting whatever happens as a learning process is a different kind of accepting of yourself wherever you are. For me trying to get out of the rut and falling short of success brings me closer to success than giving up and being a couch potato.

Here are articles on accepting ourselves.
Psych Central - Search results for Change or accept oneself

But for how long? I mean what if the social experiences were too painful to handle, and took a life time, but with no trending change to the better? Those experiences pushed me to an almost complete isolation.

Originally Posted by 2B/-2B

Many stage actors and public speakers are shy. Yes, they are, but get them on a one to one (or a few) basis their shyness really shows.

Low-self esteem is the route of it.
CANDC (above post) pointed to accepting oneself as a means to overcome it. This is true.

I suffered very low-self esteem many years ago. I was so afraid of looking at people in the eyes for fear that they may see in me what I even didn't want to see in me.
I walked everywhere with my head down at the ground, only glancing up know and again to see where I was going.

To overcome this took me a few years of self-honesty and exposing my honesty to others. I still do today.
After I got over the initial fears of exposing my secrets to my therapist (much like a confessional) and realized that I was not that bad after all.
But most importantly, I realized I was not the only person with secrets - everybody has them.

Once I exposed my secrets, I no longer felt ashamed and fearful about myself. I accepted who I was.
Over time, I could laugh at myself in the company of others. I can freely talk about some of my crazy thoughts of the past and laugh at them.
The real funny thing is, all my friends can relate to them.

Self acceptance not only builds up our self-esteem, but can get to a point where self-esteem is no longer a need as it used to be.
A person no longer feels threatened about who knows who they really are.

No more shyness!
No more fear of what others may think of me, because I know my truth. If others think of things that are false about me, then that is their problem and not mine.

What secrets? like things you've done, or just your secret thoughts and feelings?

[2B/-2B]

Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S

What secrets? like things you've done, or just your secret thoughts and feelings?

Both in a way. Definitely what I have done; and then what I think and feel.
All these represent who I am. The goal is to accept myself - warts and all.

Shame, remorse, guilt, resentments, hidden anger, jealousy, envy ... Basically, all my fears about me. All the tings I don't want others to know about.

These are hidden under a veil of denial - to protect my ego (self-esteem).
Denial is denying a truth I don't want to entertain.
I may plead ignorance, but the truth is that I ignored myself, my truth.

In denial, my self-esteem became over-protected and became too fragile and weak (shyness).
Exposing my truth to myself is the first step to toughing up my ego (so to speak).
So later I will be strong enough to no longer rely on my ego to feel okay. That is, I become okay.

Originally Posted by 2B/-2B

Both in a way. Definitely what I have done; and then what I think and feel.
All these represent who I am. The goal is to accept myself - warts and all.

Shame, remorse, guilt, resentments, hidden anger, jealousy, envy ... Basically, all my fears about me. All the tings I don't want others to know about.

These are hidden under a veil of denial - to protect my ego (self-esteem).
Denial is denying a truth I don't want to entertain.
I may plead ignorance, but the truth is that I ignored myself, my truth.

In denial, my self-esteem became over-protected and became too fragile and weak (shyness).
Exposing my truth to myself is the first step to toughing up my ego (so to speak).
So later I will be strong enough to no longer rely on my ego to feel okay. That is, I become okay.

For me, I guess subconsciously there is something telling me to get nervous and anxious in social situations, where they play as cues for a pattern of thinking, but I am not aware why those cues trigger anxiety and nervousness. It just happens automatically and instantly.

FWIW, I have embraced it and feel so much more content. Some of that is due to getting older (I am middle aged) and worrying less about what people think of me. I have adapted some things, because whilst I'm not good at relationships, I like people, so I go to the gym (where I am around them but don't have to interact) and church (ditto). I work full time, so take that as my main area where I have to relate to people, but it's professional and therefore "safe". I have also learnt that people with big families and lots of friends and a busy social life are not always happy, and some crave solitude and time alone. I hope you find a similar equanimity in your search.

[2B/-2B]

Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S

For me, I guess subconsciously there is something telling me to get nervous and anxious in social situations, where they play as cues for a pattern of thinking, but I am not aware why those cues trigger anxiety and nervousness. It just happens automatically and instantly.

Fair enough Le.Monsieur.S.
Maybe this thought might help to discover the fear that triggers it.
Anxiety is about fearing what might not go our way.

If we knew it will go our way, then we will feel okay and safe, because there will be no surprises, no unknowns, no not what to say or do.

So, the fear is about not feeling okay when (people, places, things, and situations) don't go our way.

If only we could learn to cope with things not going our way.
If only we can accept anything that comes our way, if we like it or not. Imagine feeling okay regardless of what happens next. Wouldn't that be good.

It can be achieved if we:
Learn through self-honesty that we really are okay.
From that okayness, one discovers it is okay to not feel okay.

It's okay not to feel okay.

It's a paradox to remember, because it helps us to test the waters and discover that the paradox is true.

Originally Posted by 2B/-2B

Fair enough Le.Monsieur.S.
Maybe this thought might help to discover the fear that triggers it.
Anxiety is about fearing what might not go our way.

If we knew it will go our way, then we will feel okay and safe, because there will be no surprises, no unknowns, no not what to say or do.

So, the fear is about not feeling okay when (people, places, things, and situations) don't go our way.

If only we could learn to cope with things not going our way.
If only we can accept anything that comes our way, if we like it or not. Imagine feeling okay regardless of what happens next. Wouldn't that be good.

It can be achieved if we:
Learn through self-honesty that we really are okay.
From that okayness, one discovers it is okay to not feel okay.

It's okay not to feel okay.

It's a paradox to remember, because it helps us to test the waters and discover that the paradox is true.

I am sorry, but I tried this; to experiment, because what the worst could happen approach, and it doesn't work with me. Actually, I tried it yesterday, and couldn't initiate a casual conversation because of my nervousness and anxiety. Probably there is not other way but to challenge yourself, I know, but what if this only approach doesn't work. Shall we continue to try? I don't know.

I don't want to write too much and make it too confusing to understand what I'm trying to say, so let me share a little story in the hopes you can use something out of it:

I always thought that my shyness was caused by low self-esteem alone, but years ago (in the mid 90's), in one situation when I was basically forced by my boss to give a presentation in front of a 100+ people crowd, I discovered that it was also my lack of self-confidence, because of my lack of knowledge about the product I was made to present. I panicked big time, had to be replaced by someone else and soon enough, after a couple of days I was dismissed from that company.

Years later, I took an extra job at nights as a computer hardware instructor, and was in charge of a class with 15 people. I felt really shy at the very first night, but I knew what I was there for. I had the perfect opportunity, I felt empowered by the knowledge I had to share, and people were there to learn from me. I had no reason to doubt myself. So after the first few minutes talking with a trembling voice and shaking like a leaf in a storm, I noticed that people were interested in what I was saying, then my shyness disappeared.

Moral of the story above: if it happens that you know what to say, and you know what you're talking about, and also it happens that people are interested to hear you, shyness itself disappears. This is true not only for work life, but for personal life too.

Beating shyness, low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence doesn't depend only on yourself and it doesn't happen all at once, just like that.

It takes time, opportunity, and it also takes not giving up and embracing shyness just because it's the easiest way out of suffering.

My advice for you would be to keep on trying, and take your failures as lessons rather than reasons to give up.

Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S

If someone suffers from something like, let us say, shyness. Which is a better option: to try to change or to embrace yourself?

To give an example, I've tried to change and be more outgoing but to no avail so far, and this makes me stressed out and anxious, and if I talk to someone it ends disastrously, which makes me feel even worse.

On the other hand, when I embrace it and stay home convincing myself I better off the crazy world outside, and do whatever keeps me busy, I feel more relaxed and peaceful, but then suddenly when I remember I have no one in my life and no social life, while thinking that others are happier than me because they have friends and laugh together, the feeling of sadness and loneliness attack me, triggering a series of negative thoughts end up with tears and depression.

So, is it better to change yourself or to embrace yourself in this case?

[brainhi]

I know people you might consider shy... whose self esteem is just fine as long as they do not second guess themselves and try to be something they are not. A suggestion I have, similar to the above poster - put yourself in situations, activities - you enjoy. You do not have to try and talk to anyone... when you are doing something you like someone may be interested in talking/meeting you... if not, it's not a loss, you are still doing something you enjoy.

Others may want to "work" on their shyness or self image... cool.

It's a sad life to try to continue to be something you are not - embrace "who you are" and if you want to make changes - they need to make sense to your life not anyone else's judgment of life.

[2B/-2B]

Originally Posted by Le.Monsieur.S

I am sorry, but I tried this; to experiment, because what the worst could happen approach, and it doesn't work with me. Actually, I tried it yesterday, and couldn't initiate a casual conversation because of my nervousness and anxiety. Probably there is not other way but to challenge yourself, I know, but what if this only approach doesn't work. Shall we continue to try? I don't know.

Thanks for your honesty.

I know it can be hard and seem ridiculous to keep going. This is the nature of facing our fears, our ego will resist and resist and resist. It may even convince one is insane to pursue it any further. But as you said what the worst could happen - nothing.

I suggest to let it all go. Sometimes in trying we are holding onto things we need to let go off. At least you know that what we have discussed is an option to consider. You never know, a truth may suddenly appear when you least expect it.

Like trying to remember somebody's name, after awhile you give up (let go) and then later in a seeming gap of thought, or a reminder/trigger, the name pops into the head.

Likewise, trust your revelations of what causes your anxieties will pop into your awareness. Then grab it before fear motivates the ego to avoid/deny it again.