[MerlinEm]

Ok..... so where do I even begin?

So, for a long time, but especially strong now, I've wanted for something to be wrong with me.... but it isn't that I want attention, at least I don't think so.

It's just that.... I don't want to be like every other human being and just live my unfulfilling life, marry, have kids, die. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling like I have to rebel, against life.

I don't want to have an ignorant life, and live for emotions. People live to experience emotions, but no, I'm not like that, right?

This....concept/belief/idk-what-to-call-it has led me to look for something, anything that separates me from humans.

It...... disgusts..... me that people can live their lives ignorant that its pointless except for experiencing emotions......

This has also led me to often believe, or want to believe, that I'm not part of the human race. If people at the age of 60 are still oblivious of this, then how can I, being a teenager, acknowledge this?

No one I know sees life like this, my friends are too busy thinking about trivial matters, my family says that "You live to find love and happiness" or such jabberwocky. Find love? Why try? Life is mostly garbage, why stay in it just for those 3 seconds of being rewarded?

The only problem, is that part of me doesn't care about the logical side, it just wants to experience these damned emotions!

I can't, not me too.

I don't know how to cope with this internal conflict.

[Thunder Bow]

I am over 60 and understand what you are saying. Most just live life from one reaction to the next. You should always be a long thinker, and think past the simple reactions. Knowledge is power. The more you know the more you go.

[EdgyUsername]

Originally Posted by MerlinEm

Ok..... so where do I even begin?

So, for a long time, but especially strong now, I've wanted for something to be wrong with me.... but it isn't that I want attention, at least I don't think so.

It's just that.... I don't want to be like every other human being and just live my unfulfilling life, marry, have kids, die. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling like I have to rebel, against life.

I don't want to have an ignorant life, and live for emotions. People live to experience emotions, but no, I'm not like that, right?
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The only problem, is that part of me doesn't care about the logical side, it just wants to experience these damned emotions!

I can't, not me too.

I don't know how to cope with this internal conflict.

I get where you're coming from but really, you don't want something wrong with you, I think what you want more fundamentally is something right with you, Not just "average" but something that pushes you away from the crowd, you don't want the negative aspect of that, it'll make your life even bleaker.

In truth, Life can seem a bit hollow sometimes, it's all subjective, sometimes i wonder why i even try, i think about maybe ending my life because there's nothing really extravagant about it, but again, It's what you make of it really, If you convince yourself that life is drab and boring and uneventful then it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

The people who are unfortunate to be born with some disorder or problem are not to be envied, sure they have this individuality right out of the box..but it is in no way worth it for what they're losing, they strive to be part of these normal people that you are begging to get away from.

If you want something to separate yourself from the rest of us, look for it, it's not gonna be looking for you.

Live for what you find important, not what people tell you is important.

I hope you find it.

[Khione]

Originally Posted by MerlinEm

Ok..... so where do I even begin?

So, for a long time, but especially strong now, I've wanted for something to be wrong with me.... but it isn't that I want attention, at least I don't think so.

It's just that.... I don't want to be like every other human being and just live my unfulfilling life, marry, have kids, die. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling like I have to rebel, against life.

I don't want to have an ignorant life, and live for emotions. People live to experience emotions, but no, I'm not like that, right?

This....concept/belief/idk-what-to-call-it has led me to look for something, anything that separates me from humans.

It...... disgusts..... me that people can live their lives ignorant that its pointless except for experiencing emotions......

This has also led me to often believe, or want to believe, that I'm not part of the human race. If people at the age of 60 are still oblivious of this, then how can I, being a teenager, acknowledge this?

No one I know sees life like this, my friends are too busy thinking about trivial matters, my family says that "You live to find love and happiness" or such jabberwocky. Find love? Why try? Life is mostly garbage, why stay in it just for those 3 seconds of being rewarded?

The only problem, is that part of me doesn't care about the logical side, it just wants to experience these damned emotions!

I can't, not me too.

I don't know how to cope with this internal conflict.

Okay, so you don't want to live life with the purpose of finding love and happiness. Okay, that's fine. Live life with a purpose you choose, simply having a different purpose and your own goals and desires in life sets you apart from other people.

I feel, and you don't have to listen to me, that when people struggle with the internal conflict of wanting something different; different to other people, different life, different goals - the ultimate reason is mostly due to being unhappy with the current situation. If that's the case, change it. If you want to be different, then be different.

I do understand what you're saying though, I'm similar. You should just try to assess what it is you want exactly and then strive for that.

[nicoleflynn]

I am 69, and have lived my life with passion. My life story won a scholarship and I am a Sophomore. We cannot control others, or what happens in life; all we can control is our reactions to what happens. We are all unique...find your purpose and passion in life and live that. How about rebelling against the evils in the world....pick one and work on making a difference n the world. We are all alike; have the same emotions, wants and needs.

[-jimi-]

Sure I understand. After my first depression lit up for a bit of which I was grateful, I also didn't have anything to ID me as being different about anymore. I felt that "my" difference somehow needed a name. I felt without identity without the dx of depression. Guess what? That little issue with identity, was actually a sign of something "wrong", LOL. That I couldn't just "be" different without any word for it WAS in itself a problem. I now think it is closely connected with my fluid self identity and my almost lack of emotional memory.

Getting diagnosed with aspergers and ADD kind of felt like a relief back then, then I HAD to be weird forever and ever.

These days I think I could live without labels and still know I'm a weirdo, but back then it was different.