[Koukaku]

As a confused fourteen year old I haven't spoken to many people about whatever is wrong with me since people rarely take me seriously. But if it wasn't a problem I wouldn't be asking since I tend to shy away from social interaction. Anyway, I have many small issues that I really don't know how to deal with since some seem to be kind of rare while others I've found are more recurring in other people.

I don't like social interaction. I don't have a superiority complex or anything, but I can't stand the immaturity of my age group and false pleasantries. Gossip and boy problems rot my brain. But there is another reason I avoid human contact in general. I have extremely violent urges. Why is it I always want to beat my father's head in whenever I see him? I have vividly imagined way too many deaths. With me as the murderer or with others.

I read somewhere that if you think about the death of someone quite often then you can hear them chew. I don't know if that holds any truth, but I've found it quite accurate personally. I can't be in the vicinity of anyone eating ever. Also, for some reason, being in a restaurant makes me want to cry. Of course everyone needs sustenance so I'm forced to endure torture such as chewing, slurping, and swallowing. My intolerance to this is really something I could do without.

I also have trouble sleeping. I don't have any irrational fears such as ghosts or darkness, but for some reason I hate sleep. Every time I feel myself falling asleep I force myself awake. But being awake is sometimes so much worse. It gives you time to over analyze everything. Or even just ponder extremely dumb questions. Some are pretty harmless like how photons work or whether or not single celled organisms are sentient. But then I start thinking about deeper things. Is it strange that I often consider suicide but am terrified of death?

I'm and atheist while the rest of my family believe in some deity. I just can't make myself have the faith for that sort of thing, but sometimes I wish I could believe in a religion with an afterlife since the nothingness terrifies me but is inevitable.

It is during this pondering that I have something that I consider similar to a panic attack but I'm not completely sure if it is. I do one of two things. One is when I get up and pace. I can feel my heart thumping in my ears and I bite my fingers, hands, arms, anything really. I rarely draw blood, but I definitely leave marks. The other is when I just curl up in the fetal position and tug at my hair, just hard enough so it hurts. I also scratch my arms a lot. Scratching your skin raw is actually pretty effective I've found and I also use that method when I have to sit through meals with people.

I also have a very hard time dealing with my emotions. If I experience an emotion that I deem unwanted I mentally picture shoving it deep down in my heart, locking it in a box, and burning the whole thing. I let it come and go. I feel it, let it fester for all of five seconds, then tuck it away deep inside. Actually, I don't always burn the boxes but for some of the more insufferable emotions I've found that it helps. Because if you completely destroy the problem they can't then resurface again later at an inconvenient moment. Because I just suppress some rather than completely demolishing them I have breakdowns periodically.

But besides the emotions that I do feel, there are some I find myself unable to have. Perhaps it is because I am fourteen and I may be naïve although I don't like to consider myself as such, but I don't think I can love or hate. I am an avid reader and authors spend a great deal of time describing emotions. None of there descriptions fit anything for me. I don't have any blood loyalty either. Some people love their parents unconditionally. I don't. Family are people who are forced together out of obligation. I did not choose my parents and I don't like them as people. So why should I love them as my parents?

I don't have a bad home life. I mean, they fight over everything and scream at each other quite a bit. They never get along but at least they don't hurt each other physically. Or me, for that matter. So I can always remain pretty indifferent around them. (Except for my violent urges to kill them. To hurt them. Perhaps it's because my dad is bald. Bald heads look like they'd cave in so nicely.)

I need help.

On another note, I really crave physical contact. I never understood the point of relationships at my age. If you don't own a car you can only really see your significant other at school. I've observed enough of my 'friend's' relationships to know that they're really stupid. There's no way you can claim to love someone after dating them for two weeks and while making eyes at someone else. I don't understand it.

However, I really want someone. Just to hold my hand or to rest my head on their shoulder. Someone who maybe likes Halo as much as I do and perhaps would come over and co op with me. Or we could watch anime together. Something that we could cuddle during. I don't want to come off as clingy, but physical contact is something I'd really like. Companionship without complications.

And then there is the problem of my sexuality. I don't know what I am. Currently I'm going with unsure since I haven't had many opportunities to experiment. Often I think of polyamorous relationships. They are, of course, looked down upon in society though. How would you even initiate something like that? I'm kind on counting just figuring it out as I go. Perhaps I'll find someone eventually. It's also weird, now that I think about it, that I would want something like that since I go to such lengths to isolate myself.

Of course there are also my mood swings and false personas that I have. Sometimes you can get really into a mask and have some difficulty taking it off again even when you still feel numb inside. Masks were built for deceiving, and a smile is sometimes just as good as a blank stare. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to look happy. Even when I am genuinely happy my smiles are plastic. I can slide them on and off. Like a mask to be worn instead of an emotion to be felt.

But it's all an act now. The script is filled with learned reactions and it makes running on autopilot so easy. But that just gives me more time to be immersed in my mind.

Why is it that more often than not I laugh to keep myself from crying?

My morals are also messed up. I always used to think good and evil was so easy. But it's not. Not at all. It's all perspective and no one else seems to agree with me. We're taught that there's good, and then there's evil, but then we grow up, and there turns out to be this big gray area in the middle of the two. And then we try our best to be in the white. But we don't always make it. So, we try to be the best we can be. But the best isn't always good enough. And it's pretty hard being good. So we settle for the gray. That's where most of us end up.

People call me morbid. Insensitive. Heartless. Demented. Deranged. Mean. I like to think I'm just blunt and honest.

Obviously, my views are not right per se, but they are mine and does that make me deranged?

I could keep going but if anyone is still reading by this point it would be a miracle. I've also always been hesitant to look for help or guidance because other people's problems always seem so much more severe than my own. But if someone wouldn't mind taking the time to suggest what I should do it would be great. Honesty would be most appreciated.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Koukaku: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

So... count the Skeezyks as your miracle... because I did read your whole post. I don't know about all of this. From my perspective, I think it is all just too complicated for me to make any sense of simply from reading your post. Clearly you are struggling.

I think the answer here is going to be for you to see someone (presumably a mental health therapist) with whom you can explore, over a period of time, what is going on with you & what you can do about it. There's no simple answer here. It's like being lost in a forest & having to gradually find your way out. Can you find your way out by yourself? Maybe... maybe not. But the chances of success increase if you have a competent guide.

By the way, are you familiar with California therapist Kati Morton? Kati uploads mental health related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's also on Facebook, Twitter, & other social media. If you're not already familiar with Kati, I highly recommend her to you.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Koukaku]

I really appreciate your response. So, thanks for that. I checked out Kati and hopefully it will prove helpful once I spend more time looking for a video she has made that is relevant to me. Also, I have also been considering therapy for a while now but I'm unsure how to go about it. I don't have the best relationship with my parents or any other family member so that would make it difficult. I'd need a ride and someone to pay for it. My school has a guidance counselor but I'm not sure if they do this sort of thing. Bullying, sure. But whatever mental issues plague me? I don't know... I also don't know how confidential our conversation would be. I'm sure that if I said something that concerned them they would be required to notify either my parents or someone higher up who I'd rather remain uninvolved. Do you know if there is some why to contact a therapist online while remaining unknown? Or perhaps there is a way on this webiste even. I just joined today and I'm not very good at maneuvering my way around these types of things. Once again, thank you.

I would focus on one thing at a time, for if you focus on many things at once you're bound to get overwhelmed.

Write a list of the things you want to accomplish, prioritize it, and exclusively focus on whatever is on the top of the list.

I hope this helps.

[Koukaku]

I like your suggestion of the list and focusing on one at a time. However, the main problem is that even if I were to pick one to work on I don't know where to go with it. If I knew how to stop I wouldn't have looked for a website that hopefully would have the answers that would benefit me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful though, your response is very much appriciated.

[Thunder Bow]

You found many ways to feel bad about your self in your above post. I see you are also fishing for more ways to feel bad about your self. You do not need to be doing that. Now write a post saying positive things about yourself. For 14yo. you are very intelligent, and a good writer. See a counselor to help you get over this habit of feeling bad about yourself.

[Koukaku]

Thunder Bow,
I'm not sure I would say 'fishing for more ways to feel bad about yourself' is an accurate statement when referring to me. I'm also not very selfpitying. I suppose I can understand where you are coming from, but I assure you I don't have self-esteem issues. I like to be self aware and I recognize both my faults and strengths. These things don't particularly make me feel negatively about myself although I am a generally pessimistic person. However once disregarding my positive attributes the things I wrote in my first post actually concern me. They are annoying and seriously effect my daily life. I would like to overcome them. Especially the ones where I harm myself. While I do not resort to cutting what I am doing is unhealthy and I recognize that. I was seeking alternatives but so far they seem ineffective. However, your input was nice. I also thank you for praising my writing ability since that is a hobby of mine. Although I am aware that my use of commas are atrocious.