[HopelessAngel86]

I have a bad habit of self sabotaging the things I love in my life.... even when I love it more than life itself.... I push people away with my bitterness towards life and can't seem to think about all the good that I have... which I truly have it all now... a beautiful husband, I don't deserve, two little girls who need light in their lives, all I have is darkness it feels... and I can't snap out of it.... all I want is to love more than hate my life... but it really feels hopeless... I'm a stay at home mom show trapped with my husband working 70 hrs a week or we can't live... and I take out my sadness on him most of the time... but I shouldn't... I love him so much, the beat thing to ever happen to me is him... and I'm terrified if I don't find a way to get better soon I'll lose him too. I can't live without him... I'd rather die than lose him... and counceling takes so long... maybe I don't want to tell someone my life story and all my regrets, maybe I just want an evaluation and some damn meds when I need them the most...

Young children are a blessing but if you are living in a town away from all your relatives, it can be very isolating. Medications may help but it sounds like you need to talk to someone (maybe a therapist). You're right. You won't feel better instantly but if you can find help and work toward feeling better; you definitely can improve. After all, you say you love your husband and your girls are beautiful. That gives you a reason to improve. You have already taken a first step by venting your frustrations here. And your children will not stay little forever, when they are both in school you will likely feel much less isolated. It will probably get much better for you eventually. Try to hang in there and seek help in the meantime!

[Skeezyks]

Hello HopelessAngel86: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

[MickeyCheeky]

Maybe a therapist could be helpful? I'm not sure.. still, I'm really sorry about your situation You're strong.

[HopelessAngel86]

Thank you for your replies, it does feel better to know ones not alone... I have no family close by so my husband and I depend on his family to much and I know that... I don't think they realize the importance of their help and how much it really helps my husband and I for reconnecting. A lot of the time it's a struggle to find someone to watch our 16 month old... but the time alone for us means everything to me as well...phones going to die have to plug in brb.

[BLUEDOVE]

Please take this seriously,because at first sight,it sounds crazy.
I strongly advise you to get this book: "Addicted To Unhappiness"
by Martha+William J.Pieper (both docs).It will open your eyes to what,and how,you are doing what you are doing,driven by your UNconscious. Which is why you are so confused.
Courage To You,
BLUEDOVE

[nicoleflynn]

Sometimes we sabotage (push people away) to test them to see if they will leave you...is that a possibility? Seeing a therapist could help.

I have a history of sabotaging good and successful things in my life - my career and relationships have suffered greatly. I my own case this is related to 'performance anxiety'. I am so very afraid that I won't measure up I am convinced I will fail. I feel this way even when things are especially good in my life. This is where the sabotage comes up. I feel it is better to end things on my own terms rather than wait for that failure or disaster.

I have haad some therapy in this regard; both self-directed (I found a great book) and with a therapist. This was CBT (Cognative Behavior Therapy). I have a tool box of coping skills for the anxiety; in particular, the catastrophic thinking. Some of these coping mechanisms help during the moment, but the most helpful I find are those one's allowing me to deconstruct a difficult situation or event before I must enter it.

[alexjumper79]

I understand completely. I feel the same way. I have 2 boys and a wonderful husband and I feel like I am a burden to them a lot. I just started seeing a therapist and he is wonderful, it's bee a huge help so far but I have a long way to go. Hoping the best for you.

[HopelessAngel86]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Sometimes we sabotage (push people away) to test them to see if they will leave you...is that a possibility? Seeing a therapist could help.

Yes everyone I've pushed away has left so I guess it's subconsciously a problem and I've tried seeking help... but it takes so long to get anywhere as talking usually doesn't help me much....

[HopelessAngel86]

Originally Posted by alexjumper79

I understand completely. I feel the same way. I have 2 boys and a wonderful husband and I feel like I am a burden to them a lot. I just started seeing a therapist and he is wonderful, it's bee a huge help so far but I have a long way to go. Hoping the best for you.

Thank you, I completely understand how you feel... I feel that way too a lot... I just wish mental,help didn't cost an arm and a leg considering we are broke the majority of the time...