[rdgrad15]

I've always wanted to know why some people hang out with others out of obligation. It has happened to me in the past, where I will hang out with someone and they will appear to enjoy my company but then I find out later that I was never wanted or that the person just hung out with me out of obligation, pity, or boredom. And the worst part is that they will get annoyed at me for it. That would annoy me and I al,oat told someone to just simply stop hanging out with me if they were going to act that way.

I didn't want to cause problems and come off as immature but I'd much rather someone not hang out with me at all than hang out with me because they feel like they have to. I don't get why people get annoyed too when they are clearly the ones making the decision to hang out out of obligation. Like I've had cases where I would be doing my own thing and someone would ask me to hang out, and then they get annoyed that I agreed to hang out. Or vise versa, in a rare case were I ask someone if they want to hang out, they say yes but secretly wish they were with other people.

It got to the point where I would stop hanging around some people who did that stuff, even if it wasn't towards me. There was someone I used to hang out with who would accept someone else's request to hang out and while she was out with that person, she would be texting me wishing she was anywhere else but with that person. That some person had the tendency to do that to me as well. I eventually stopped hanging with that "friend" since she could not be honest.

I am a lot better at being able to prevent that stuff from happening to me. Now that I've had quite a bit of experience in dealing with those unfortunate situations, I have a much easier time of avoiding people like that. But I will still hear some people complaining to others that they dislike hanging with a certain person but they still hang with that person out of obligation. I feel like the lie is way more hurtful than the truth. I'd rather someone full out reject me than hang out with me out of obligation. Anyone understand why this happens? It just confuses me and is very annoying and rude in my opinion. Basically it is leading someone on in a false sense that they are friends when they really aren't.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think most just want to look nice (or not-rude).. even if they're secretly annoyed.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I think most just want to look nice (or not-rude).. even if they're secretly annoyed.

Yeah true. I just think it is better to be honest and not hang out with someone than hanging with someone out of obligation.

Well I am guilty of this, but it has always occured when I have also been in the company of others as a group. It would have been awfully rude of me to have been rude, ignorred, or unpleasant to that individual I really didn't care for. Yes, I try to be fair and pleasant out of a sense of obligation to do so. Another example is the whole staff or office thing. I will treat everyone fairly even those I can't stand or I don't think deserving. I don't think I've ever said to someone I don't care for "I don't like you" "I don't want to spend time with you" etc. I've been snubbed numerous times myself which is perhaps why I am reluctant to do the same.

On another note, are you constantly evaluating acquaintanceships and looking for something wrong? I came to the realization I was doing this. It was as though I couldn't accept that I was likeable and tried to find a negative message in everything. These days I try to be more positive and seek out what is good.

[Thunder Bow]

Best to avoid assumptions and just be honest and ask them if they are hanging out with you out of obligation. Be sure to own your feelings when asking.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well I am guilty of this, but it has always occured when I have also been in the company of others as a group. It would have been awfully rude of me to have been rude, ignorred, or unpleasant to that individual I really didn't care for. Yes, I try to be fair and pleasant out of a sense of obligation to do so. Another example is the whole staff or office thing. I will treat everyone fairly even those I can't stand or I don't think deserving. I don't think I've ever said to someone I don't care for "I don't like you" "I don't want to spend time with you" etc. I've been snubbed numerous times myself which is perhaps why I am reluctant to do the same.

On another note, are you constantly evaluating acquaintanceships and looking for something wrong? I came to the realization I was doing this. It was as though I couldn't accept that I was likeable and tried to find a negative message in everything. These days I try to be more positive and seek out what is good.

Makes sense. I will admit, I am guilty of doing it only in group situations as well and even at work too in order to prevent conflict. But I'd be more honest if it was one in one in private. There are ways to politely reject someone by being honest but not being too rude. Just a simple I don't want to hang out would be fine.

And yeah I don't feel likeable since I have been snubbed and rejected too many times. Happened too often for it to be just a coincidence so therefore I feel unlikeable and I feel like I've become really good at ready body language and social cues and just being able to tell if someone doesn't want me around or not.

While people can be our friends, they don't necessarily have that deep compassionate relationship where you'll love and be for each other no matter what.
From my experience, as I live in a above-average-economical solitude city, it's quite common to take friendships superficially and just hang out with someone because they have no other choice. One friend invited me for a film after not being able to invite others. Another friend wanted to meet up with 5 people including him, and when 2 couldn't and we were left 3 including him, he didn't want to hang out anymore.

It sounds weird that someone would ask to hang out with you and then get frustrated when you accept. What was his exact reaction? This has me curious...

I admit I do get ticked when I invite people out and they in turn extend their invitation to others. This really gets my goat when my money is involved.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I admit I do get ticked when I invite people out and they in turn extend their invitation to others. This really gets my goat when my money is involved.

You mean like when you invite just one person and that person invites other people along without asking? Yeah I can understand that, it would annoy me too.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

While people can be our friends, they don't necessarily have that deep compassionate relationship where you'll love and be for each other no matter what.
From my experience, as I live in a above-average-economical solitude city, it's quite common to take friendships superficially and just hang out with someone because they have no other choice. One friend invited me for a film after not being able to invite others. Another friend wanted to meet up with 5 people including him, and when 2 couldn't and we were left 3 including him, he didn't want to hang out anymore.

It sounds weird that someone would ask to hang out with you and then get frustrated when you accept. What was his exact reaction? This has me curious...

Yeah I agree with you. Yeah that is actually another thing I've noticed that I forgot to mention. I will actually be invited to a group event but then someone else they really like backs out and the person who invited me just cancels plans all together, which in certain cases is okay but other times it is annoying. And yeah the whole thing about someone inviting me and then getting frustrated when I accept is confusing too. One example is when I was invited to hang out with someone and after the hangout, the person stopped talking to me. Turns out she only befriended me out of pity and was mad that I accepted her invite and thought I was strange or something. That was in high school. Also I was invited to a couple graduation parties, only to find out later I was never really wanted there.

More recently when I was in college, I had a casual friend that invited someone else to do something but then told me she was mad that she had to pick the friend up. She knew she would have to do so since her friend didn't drive but still, if you are planning on hanging out with someone and it involves driving and someone doesn't have a car, then she should understand that she will have to drive the person. She could have just asked for gas money, I've given people gas money before. And apparently that same friend has gotten mad at me behind my back for the same reason.

The friend that drove had the tendency to inconvenience herself. We live an hour apart and I have offered to meet her halfway which would require me to use public transit. I use it a lot so I have no problems doing so, I'm very comfortable with it and take the exact same trolley and bus route every time I go from my house to visit the college I graduated from which is an hour away. A couple times she strongly urged me not to take public transit, and instead, drove an hour all the way to my house, then all the way back to hers. And then back again a couple times. I told her that is not necessary, but she really insisted. I offered gas money but she didn't accept. And she got annoyed afterwards. That's the kind of behavior that confused me.

Usually I feel bad about people driving me around, and I always offer gas money, but for this one friend, I actually started to feel less bad since she kept on offering rides to people even when she secretly hated it. I even told her a couple times, if she doesn't want to drive someone, then don't do it. She is only hurting herself in my opinion. I really don't hang out with her anymore, but the rare cases that I do, I only do it when I am already going up to the north hills to visit the college I graduated from, which is much closer to her house. Probably about 20 minutes. So yeah, those are some examples of people inviting me to do something or go to an event, and then getting annoyed.