[Needadvice1234]

This is a little long, but I will try to make it as short as possible with as much fact as possible...

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years now. For the first three years of our relationship he came in and out of my life whenever it was convenient for him (multiple times he would leave). Around Dec 2015 after he left me yet again, I began talking to another person. When my boyfriend came back he told me that this time he was sincere and wanted it to truly be us. I was on board with this because I ultimately loved him, but was still talking to this other man. I had slept with this other guy a couple of times while trying to work things out with my boyfriend. After a couple of weeks I cut off contact with the. Ew guy and told him my boyfriend and I were going to work in things. My boyfriend asked me if there was anything he should know about me and this other man (as in if I had slept with him). This is where I know I was wrong, but I thought I was trying to protect my boyfriends feeelings and our relationship so I told him no.

Throughout the next year my boyfriend would be pleagued with the thought of me being with someone else and the guilt started to eat away at me so I would confess little bits here and there. Every time my boyfriend would tell me to just explain things and we could move forward, but when I did tell him a little bit, he would freak out and threaten to throw me out of the house and our relationship would be done. So I would then cower up and stop confessing things. In hindsite I should have just afdmitted everything at once, instead I trickled it out throughout an entire year when in December 2016 I confessed everything fromA-Z.

Today we are fighting because he states he does not trust me (I have never lied about any other part of my life). I know that what I have done is wrong and I have tried apologizing. I have been remourseful and have asked how I can make things better. I have tried explaining to him my reasons on how at that point in my life I was in a dark place and didn't know if I could trust that he wouldn't just leave me once again. I have tried reasoning with him in telling him that the previous three years he would constantly leave me to go back to his ex wife, messed with my head so much I was lost...

He just keeps telling me that I need to fix this and be honest. I have been honest and he believes I am still hiding something, and I am not. He has now stated he has hired a private investigator to look into my past around that time frame. I don't know how to fix this...I have nothing else to hide, I am completely transparent...

We are going to therapy for the first time (hopefully this week) but I wanted to reach out here for some guidance...

[Skeezyks]

Hello Needadvice: I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation. I don't know as there is much I can offer you here in the way of advice. I think the fact that you & your bf are going to therapy is a great sign. I'm an older man & my wife & I have been married for 38 years. Based on that, I believe I can say with confidence that it takes a whole lot of compassion & forgiveness to keep a romantic relationship going over the long term. What's in the past is in the past & needs to be let go. If your bf can't do that, this is not an encouraging sign. His hiring a private eye is, in my opinion, really over-the-top.

You mentioned an ex-wife & the fact that your bf kept going back to her over a 3 year period. This is also not a good sign, in my opinion. Perhaps, since the two of you will be going to therapy, you can work through all of this together. But if things don't seem to be changing for the better, or if for some reason therapy doesn't happen, I would recommend caution in continuing to try to keep this relationship going.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[avlady]

I myself would never stand for someone investigating my every move, it would be a relationship breaker for me. I have been myself tape recorded when I had friends over when I was living with my sons dad. I left him because he did stupid things like that, and just for the record, he was cheating on me.

[Needadvice1234]

Thank you for your quick reply. I am aware of all the red flags that have come up in our relationship, but he just can't seem to let this one go. I am truly hoping therapy helps and talking to other people that don't know us I think will help gain some insite as well.

As of today he said he would trust me and that he was no longer hiring a PI...but he is constantly telling me that I need to fix this and that he was used by me back in December and I need to change that.

I don't know how I can fix this. I don't have any contact with that other man. I have apologized immensely. I have beggged and pleaded for forgiveness. I have been very remourseful. And every time he accepts my apology he says that he'll let it go and move forward only to come back to it three months down the line hating me for what I did.