[JadeE]

Good morning all

So I will start by saying I'm seeing a psychologist. Its nice to be able to just ramble on endlessly about all the crap I have stored in my mind. However, so far I haven't had any major epiphanies or breakthroughs. So I'm confused as to what it actually wrong.

I know there is something not quite right, I have done some internet research but everything that I find is essentially guess work.

So I'm hoping I can find someone amongst all of you wonderful members who might be able to relate to my situation. I'll only list the major concerns I have, don't want to bore you with details.

I can go for weeks being happily content and then suddenly one small thing sets me off into a pit of self loathing and emptiness for a few days. And nothing lifts me out of this mood. I am a black hole of sadness and hatred. (my ex once told me that I just enjoyed being a miserable *****). I haven't had one of these periods for about three weeks now but I'm dreading when the next one decides to grace me with its presence. I will often cry for no reason.

I have no self esteem and this is ten fold when I get into one of my down moods. The level of self hatred I can hit is scary.

I obsess with thoughts of death. Not that I want to die but an absolute dread of actually dying. Which is stupid, because its inevitable. I have panic attacks about death, usually when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. I will randomly be laughing with my brother or something fun with someone close to me and then suddenly feel sad because I think about them dying. Sometimes its all I think about through a single day, it can be obsessive.

I isolate myself from people, I have practically lost all my close friends and have bad periods of loneliness. However, I have no actual motivation to go out and be around people despite my loneliness. Yet I need constant validation, especially from my bf.

Lastly, I get angry. Like super 'Hulk Smash' angry. I have smashed holes in my computer desk, I throw stuff, I scream, I curse and I get nasty. Nasty to the point that when I look back at my behavior and I am gutted at how disgusting and hurtful I was acting. But when I get angry I can't stop. Rationally in my mind I know that I am being unreasonable but I can't control it. And I only ever get that angry at the people I love the most and it scares me that I can hurt someone that I love.

If anyone has any tips or tricks on how I can curb some of this behavior I would be more than appreciative Any ideas on what I'm dealing with here would also be welcome

[Thunder Bow]

There is no quick fix. Dedicate yourself to your own healing. Healing takes much time.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Jade: I can relate to this. I've wondered if, in my case, there's a possibility I sustained some brain damage early in life that caused some of my problems. There were some things that happened to me that I think, nowadays, would be taken quite seriously. Back when I was young, no one paid much attention to such things. But I've also always struggled with a lot of anxiety all of my life. And I think the sorts of things you describe are frequently the result of pent-up anxiety.

I'm glad you're seeing a psychologist. As Thunder Bow wrote, healing takes time. It's important to dedicate yourself to the process. I myself am not on any psych med's nor do I see a therapist. Neither has ever been of much help to me. (But that's another story.) Instead, I maintain a daily meditation & yoga practice. I also walk outside around our neighborhood quite a bit.

I do a lot of reading in the areas of Buddhism & mindfulness meditation. One thing I'm a "stickler" about, as we used to say, is staying away from TV programs, movies, etc. that portray graphic violence & unbridled anger. I also avoid loud raucous music. I do some reading, from time-to-time, regarding recent research findings regarding the brain. And two things stand out for me with regard to these findings. One is that much more of who we are, & what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. The other is although we may consciously understand a violent TV program, for example, is just fiction, non-conscious areas of the brain react as if what we're seeing is actually happening. The conclusion I draw from this is that by watching TV programs or movies that contain violence & unbridled anger, we're probably damaging non-conscious areas of our brains in ways we don't even realize. I personally prefer not to take the risk. Instead I choose to fill my mind with the types of beneficial, constructive knowledge I gain from the types of reading I described above. I believe there is a lot we can do to improve our day-to-day lives by managing our surroundings as well a what we do & do not subject ourselves to.

One very good book I could suggest to you, if you're not already acquainted with it, is Jon Kabat-Zinn's book: Full Catastrophe Living- Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. This book details the stress reduction program that was (& presumably still is) offered at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. It was written with the intent that readers would be able to implement the program at home. (By the way, should you decide to take a look at this, the body scan narrative that is talked about in the book is on YouTube.) I wish you well...

[avlady]

learn to play a musical instrument.

[Gus1234U]

it sounds to me like you might be dealing with something like 'rapid-cycling bipolar', which can strike like lightening. many times people with a depressive disorder will experience rage as you described. i never like to suggest meds, but you might consider some of the milder ones, if you haven't already. i do agree with Skeezks, that many people have sustained a brain injury in childhood which went unrecognized, but has long-term consequences.

[JadeE]

Thunder Bow
Thank you for your reply. I know in my mind that that is 100% but I'm so damn impatient sometimes. I just gotta slow down

Skeezyks

I've never considered this to be honest, but it does make sense. There is nothing I can 100% refer back to but that doesn't mean it didn't happen and I've forgotten it.

I've also been very interested in Buddhism and the effects of meditation and yoga. Its just finding the motivation to take the positive step forward. As I always feel like I have no energy, trying to even start feels like a run up Mt. Everest

As for the TV shows/movies, I see exactly where you are coming from. I don't have such reactions to violence as such but heavy atmospheres in shows suck the life out of me. I recently watched the movie Logan and my goodness I was down for days. I had such a heavy feeling on me and I couldn't find anything positive in life. It was crazy that I had such a reaction to just a movie.

And I will definitely check out that book. Knowledge is power and the more information I have the better I will be

I'm glad you're seeing a psychologist. As Thunder Bow wrote, healing takes time. It's important to dedicate yourself to the process. I myself am not on any psych med's nor do I see a therapist. Neither has ever been of much help to me. (But that's another story.) Instead, I maintain a daily meditation & yoga practice. I also walk outside around our neighborhood quite a bit.

Avlady

I would love to learn a musical Instrument, I've just never been good with music

Gus1234U
I've never heard of rapid-cycling bipolar. But I will definitely do some reading on the condition and I might mention it to my therapist.

[Cyclops5]

my friend plays harmonica and that seems to keep him at ease... Good Luck

[shortandcute]

[kecanoe]

I will second the avoiding stuff on TV. If you think about it, advertisers spend big bucks to show us stuff on TV to get us to change our behavior (and buy their product). So why wouldn't watching a show?

Much of what you describe could be anxiety symptoms. Have you tried some of the things that are often suggested for anxiety? Mindfulness, meditation, exercise, rubbing lotion on your body, eating something verrrry slowly?