[NAA251]

I feel like I want to punch and break everything around me. Sometimes I feel like I want to kill someone but the fear of going to jail stops me. When someone makes me angry I lash out at them and hit them or an object.

I like the sight of blood. When I get a cut I like to watch my blood ooz out and cover my finger in red. Sometimes I like to scare people. It makes me happy when I know that this person fears me, that I might snap and hurt them in a second. I like it when my mom sometimes tells me I have no heart.

I know I'm not a psychopath. I cry, I have feelings. I don't always feel like this. I can get sad, I can be happy but I can also feel angry to the point where I'd snap your neck but I don't because something stops me.

[Constellation36]

Hmm...I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. It's probably hard to talk about with the people in your *real* life. Maybe a therapist would help? If you don't believe in therapy, you could try a psychiatrist. I don't imagine that feeling this way makes you feel good about yourself. I'm not a doctor, but I know there are personality disorders that can be addressed. I've read a few books on psychopaths, and they do experience emotions. They don't experience guilt or shame. I'm not a doctor, but I think you should see a doctor to make sure that you don't have an underlying illness (physical or mental).

[leejosepho]

I once had this bit of conversation with a man who soon became my mentor for a while:

him: "I see it."
me: "You see what?"
him: That thin blue line running across the center of your eyes."
me: "What in the world are you talking about?"
him: "You could take someone's life in a heartbeat and think nothing of it."

I have never been in a fistfight in my entire life, but I have occasionally bluffed my way past them by telling people we could "dance" if they wish but that one or the other of us would be dead at the end and I did not care which of us that might be.

I can easily make a list of reasons as to "why" I have a lifetime of deep-rooted anger even I cannot actually justify, and there have been times when I have had to really concentrate on keeping my hands down at my sides while walking past someone with a hammer or some other heavy object in my hand lest I bash a skull just to see what actually happens and/or how far the blood might fly...and I once had to have myself locked up (a voluntary commitment at a psych ward) in order to be certain I did not commit a triple-homicide I felt coming on and absolutely did *not* want to commit.

It will possibly be tough to find a trustworthy therapist who can handle hearing all of that kind of stuff without missing the fact that we are sharing it while in search of (or in order to try to find) help, but please do try to find one. Prison life was rough enough for me way back in the late-70s, and I am quite certain it would be absolutely miserable or even deadly for you today.

You say you experience your own feelings. My question then is that do you have empathy for others. Are you aware of the emotions they feel particularly in reaction to yours. A sociopath feels only their own emotions. They will have no qualms about hurting another if it serves their own end. The feelings of the other don't even occur to them.

What are you doing about this?

Have you sought help? What do they have to say about this? Are you being cooperative regarding your own care? Being honest with your care provider?

[NAA251]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

You say you experience your own feelings. My question then is that do you have empathy for others. Are you aware of the emotions they feel particularly in reaction to yours. A sociopath feels only their own emotions. They will have no qualms about hurting another if it serves their own end. The feelings of the other don't even occur to them.

What are you doing about this?

Have you sought help? What do they have to say about this? Are you being cooperative regarding your own care? Being honest with your care provider?

I snapped a few days ago and told my mom about everything that's been happening to me. I told her about my anger. About how I'm always faking my sempathy or embathy for people. Told her about the voice that constantly controls me. I told her about how I'm always afraid of thinking bad things because I always think there's someone reading my mind, hearing my thoughts or someone watching me. I told her about how I always "think out loud" but I'm actually just saying my thoughts to the person that always watching me. I want help because I'm tired of everything that's going on inside me in everyday but she thinks it's a religious problem. She thinks I'm like this because I'm not close enough to God and that I need to start getting closer to God. She won't get help for me and if tell my dad he will just ignore it.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by NAA251

I snapped a few days ago and told my mom about everything that's been happening to me. I told her about my anger. About how I'm always faking my sympathy or empathy for people. Told her about the voice that constantly controls me.

Your "snap" was a cry for help and that is a good thing, but that voice has absolutely no control over you unless you specifically allow it to do so...and there is where you can learn (as I have) to be okay in spite of it.

Originally Posted by NAA251

I told her about how I'm always afraid of thinking bad things because I always think there's someone reading my mind, hearing my thoughts or someone watching me.

It is not your fault that the thoughts of bad things appear, and mere thoughts are never a crime. Also, our Maker can clearly distinguish our own thoughts from the invasive ones (even though sometimes that can be difficult for us), and we are never judged for the invasive ones. So even though you/we certainly do not want to tell all of these things to people who would/could never understand, just be sure to know other people only ever know us by our actual words and actions and not by whatever thoughts might happen be in our minds.

Originally Posted by NAA251

I told her about how I always "think out loud" but I'm actually just saying my thoughts to the person that is always watching me.

There is nothing wrong with that, and that is also evidence of a cry for help at least in the sense of honesty and humility.

Originally Posted by NAA251

I want help because I'm tired of everything that's going on inside me in everyday but she thinks it's a religious problem. She thinks I'm like this because I'm not close enough to God and that I need to start getting closer to God.

Getting "closer to God" in the sense of getting all of this into proper perspective as He sees things and learning to practice certain spiritual principles such as taking every thought captive and wisely discerning which to embrace and which to reject is going to play a huge part in bringing some peace to you, but there is no religious practice or exorcism or whatever that can magically make the intrusive thoughts disappear. Also, neither is there any medication that can do that. At best, medication can only suppress things, never actually fix or remove them, and I have not gone that route for myself because I want to always maintain complete access to my entire mind.

I can help you by sharing my own actual half-century of experience with all of this -- no mere theories or speculations -- and I would gladly do that either right here on the forum or via PM.

[NAA251]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Your "snap" was a cry for help and that is a good thing, but that voice has absolutely no control over you unless you specifically allow it to do so...and there is where you can learn (as I have) to be okay in spite of it.

It is not your fault that the thoughts of bad things appear, and mere thoughts are never a crime. Also, our Maker can clearly distinguish our own thoughts from the invasive ones (even though sometimes that can be difficult for us), and we are never judged for the invasive ones. So even though you/we certainly do not want to tell all of these things to people who would/could never understand, just be sure to know other people only ever know us by our actual words and actions and not by whatever thoughts might happen be in our minds.

There is nothing wrong with that, and that is also evidence of a cry for help at least in the sense of honesty and humility.

Getting "closer to God" in the sense of getting all of this into proper perspective as He sees things and learning to practice certain spiritual principles such as taking every thought captive and wisely discerning which to embrace and which to reject is going to play a huge part in bringing some peace to you, but there is no religious practice or exorcism or whatever that can magically make the intrusive thoughts disappear. Also, neither is there any medication that can do that. At best, medication can only suppress things, never actually fix or remove them, and I have not gone that route for myself because I want to always maintain complete access to my entire mind.

I can help you by sharing my own actual half-century of experience with all of this -- no mere theories or speculations -- and I would gladly do that either right here on the forum or via PM.

Thank you, this helped a lot.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

...that voice has absolutely no control over you unless you specifically allow it to do so...

Understanding authority, power and control has proved extremely helpful to me in all of this. As an illustration: A police officer has no actual power to make anyone do anything, and that is why s/he is authorized to carry handcuffs and a gun or whatever in order to force submission and compliance in order to maintain control. Or like in a line from a "Bumble Bee Song" I heard many years ago where some bees had seemed to drive a man from the woods: "They had not compelled him to go against his own will, they had just made him willing to go!" He had been completely free to remain right there where he had been, but he free-willingly changed his mind and left.

I believe there are two possible sources of intrusive voices or thoughts, but neither has any power to actually control us...and neither does either have any kind of authority or any related tools for forcing our submission or compliance. Many years ago the comedian Flip Wilson got a lot of laughs with his "The Devil made me do it" line, but no such thing is ever possible. I do believe it is possible for certain "evil spirits" or whatever to harass us and try to get us to do things, but I have learned I have the authority and ability or "power" to escape that by issuing a simple "Get behind me!" (as in "Get out of my sight!") command followed by my turning away toward something good since those voices or thoughts have absolutely no way to actually make (force) me to do anything.

I believe the second possible source of intrusive voices or thoughts is our own mind or "flesh" or carnality or whatever other term you might want to use, and maybe in about the same ways as for all kinds of imaginative things and dreams. In my own case, this one is sometimes driven by emotion such as when the thought of homicide can appear as a possible way for me to feel something I would like to experience...and there is where we must learn to distinguish between what is the actual right thing to do and what we think we can merely rationalize and justify. Neither God nor any civil government has ever given us any kind of right to ever harm any other human being, so we must look for other ways to gain emotional comfort.

Lastly for now, there are times when nothing greater than some simple curiosity can seem to bring out or bring on some insane thoughts such as the "How far might the blood fly?" thought I had mentioned in an earlier post. Forensic experts have the very same kinds of thoughts and for very good reasons, but their moral compass (including love and respect for the lives and well-being of others) is already pointed toward using melons rather than skulls...and we need to learn to do the same.

[eyesclosed]

Your headed for trouble. Someone will beat you up real bad. Someone may even shoot you. I would seek help ASAP.

[NAA251]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

Your headed for trouble. Someone will beat you up real bad. Someone may even shoot you. I would seek help ASAP.

Why would someone beat me up or shoot me? And why would I seek help? I changed my mind I don't want help. I woke up today and decided to just accept my self. I don't want "help" nor do I need to seek it. I'm good just the way I'm.

[Sunflower123]

No offense but I think the poster said that because your original post is disturbing in some aspects.

[eyesclosed]

You said when someone makes you angry you lash out at them and hit them. If you continue to do this it will cause you trouble. I don't know the laws in Canada but here in WI you have the right to defend your self. WI also has a open or concealed pistol law allowing you to carry a gun. This is why I made the comment to seek help ASAP.