[birky505]

Recently my husband and I have been arguing a lot. My child, who is 14 years old, sees a therapist on a regular basis for generalized anxiety. I decided to bring up the issue of my husband and I fighting with the therapist (my son was in the room as well) in case he wanted to talk about it and I also asked her if we could schedule a family sit down. She agreed to a family sit down for the following week. Once my son's therapy was done, I asked him how it went and if had a chance to talk about any issues concerning him. He told me that he really wanted to talk about a difficult friend he's been dealing with and that while he was talking about his friend his therapist interrupted him and changed the subject to mine and my husbands arguments. My son told me that the therapist had asked him "so who usually starts the fights, your mother or father"

I'm confused why she would ask that question and wondering how it would be helpful to my son to have to answer a question like that? I feel like she was less concerned about helping my son and more concerned about fishing out info about me and my husband or placing blame.

Am I overreacting?

Not sure why it is confusing. You brought up the topic. It is probably very relevant to your son's anxiety issues. Getting your son's perceptions of that important family dynamic would make sense.

[winter4me]

Is this therapy for you son or for the family?
If it is for him, encourage him to talk with the therapist about this.
Perhaps you and your husband should talk to someone for yourselves. (not the same therapist) That way you may be able to work out problems that are between the adults and affect the child, you may be able to change the way you interact in a way that is positive and helpful, at home, for your son.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Not sure why it is confusing. You brought up the topic. It is probably very relevant to your son's anxiety issues. Getting your son's perceptions of that important family dynamic would make sense.

This is exactly what I thought. You asked the therapist to discuss this. I think the question is key to getting to the bottom of your child's feelings and how he interprets the situation. Besides, you don't know what questions were asked first or what discussion lead to this question. Could it be that the therapist struggled with getting answers to other questions and found it necessary to be more direct?

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand your anxieties. I think you and your husband need to be brought into the discussion since you probably both have a big role into your child's life..

[Thunder Bow]

Parents arguing does cause anxiety in children.

[Open Eyes]

When I read your post birky, what stood out to me is how your son wanted to talk about a challenging relationship issue he was having with a friend. That was something important to "him" and next thing the conversation was about you and your husband. IMHO, all of the adults "failed" in that meeting because your son did not get to talk about something very important to him.

Your arguments with your husband has contributed to your son's stress levels. HOWEVER, at his age he is trying very hard to navigate the challenges he is facing with his piers. Right now, at his age that is what is important to him. But the conversations he has tend to focus on you and your husband instead of HIM. Yes, your relationship issues are "part" of the problem, yet, that's just back ground to him, he is focusing on himself right now and his friends, THAT is where he needs help and guidance.

He needs someone that can mentor him in "how to relate" in healthy ways, and it sounds like he doesn't see that take place in his home life. He is lost right now and the therapist is making it about you when he REALLY needs it to be about him.

[birky505]

My concern was with the therapist's question "who starts the fights, your mom or dad?" I didnt want my son to be put in a situation where he felt like he was having to take sides and figure out who was to blame for starting arguments. I wanted him to express and get support for HIS feelings regarding the arguments, not have to figure out his parents problems. I was also concerned with the fact that she changed the subject when he wanted to talk about his friend. The reason I brought up the arguments to my son's therapist was because I wanted to be open about the challenges we have been facing as a family and i wanted to make sure that my son knew therapy is a safe place for him and our family to discuss those challenges. I realize that our arguments cause anxiety and I just wanted him to know that it's okay to talk about it. I explained to my son and therapist that it was up to my son what he wanted to talk about because we had also discussed his friend while I was still present in the room. Open Eyes, thank you for your post. It was helpful to me, you're right he needs support navigating the challenges he is facing with his peers and i'm sure his parents arguing is not helping much.

Yes. Understandable. We want the best for our children and that includes their happiness.

If you haven't already, raise this with his therapist. In particular, enquire after the context of the question.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with questioning who starts the arguments when it comes to you and your husband seems odd. However, maybe this therapist is trying to see which parent seems to stress him the most. But if that's what the therapist is wondering, then she should just be direct and ask it and not beat around the bush.

That being said, if he is struggling with a pier or friend and wants to talk about that, then that is what the therapist should focus on instead of what you and your husband are doing.

A child cannot do anything about his parent's relationship issues (that's what the parents need to figure out), and at this point he needs to focus on his own relationship issues and perhaps learn how to be more assertive and go over where his challenged areas are with this T.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Open Eyes. Hope everything works out. Best wishes.