What Do You Do With Someone Who HATES You?

What Do You Do With Someone Who HATES You?

There is a person who says they hate me, has said so to at least one friend of mine. He makes snide comments in response to things I have said to others. He has made snide comments to me. He has so far refused to "work it out" with me. A mutual friend wants to help us to work it out, but as it stands right now, I don't know if she will succeed in getting the two of us together to work it out or not.

I have grievances against this person, both for picking on, teasing and bullying me and for doing so to others who I care about as well. His "teasing" goes way beyond what is funny. Often folks do NOT laugh. There is nervous laughter sometimes, or just plain nervous silence when he picks on people and calls them names and criticizes them. He can be angry, nasty, sarcastic and in general a very hard person to get along with.

On the other hand, he has some redeeming characteristics too. He took care of his ailing mother for 15 years before she died. He was in the Service and served in WWII.

I have had decent conversations with him about current events, the weather, our lives and out pasts, etc. However, ever since I said in general to everyone one day, that I was not in the mood to be teased, he has considered me an enemy.

What do you do when a person like this hates you?

If he was in WWII, he must be very old. It's probably best to just avoid mean old gramps.

When people hate on others, it's only a mere reflection of their own misery and unhappiness and rarely has anything to do with you. You called him out on the teasing and drew a boundary, and he didn't like it. This person isn't worth the effort or thought given how nasty he is, WWII vet and caring caretaker or not. He's nasty. Just ignore him and his miserable, hatred filled self and be happy yourself. ((((Hugs)))))

Problem with that idea is that he socializes where I work, sometimes, however, he has stated to the Director that since "some people are trying to get me into trouble, I will be staying away for awhile."

I had reported him to the Director, because he was making some folks uncomfortable including me. He has been calling several men there "homewreckers" because they have been married more than once, meanwhile he is himself divorced and has had a longtime girlfriend until recently. He had been calling one man there a "queer." That man got up and walked across the room and has not talked with him since. Another man said today to me that this man "does not know when to stop." He is one of the men that this man has been calling "homewrecker."

Also, the girl who was going to try to get this man and I together to "make peace" had ample time today to speak with me to set up a time and a place at which this peacemaking would take place. She said nothing to me, so I assume he refused, and I am not surprised. I agreed to it reluctantly, I had second thoughts about it, but I was willing to TRY. Apparently he is not even willing to do that.

I kind of doubt if he will ever come back to our social club. I think he has made too many enemies there and I think he knows it.

Time will tell....

I feel sorry for him. He sounds very lonely and sad and like he is using sarcasm to feel better but it's backfiring and isolating him more. The only thing you can do is ignore it the best you can and continue to be willing to mediate if he is ever ready to let go of his anger.

I read a saying from Dita Von Teese today that said "You can be the juiciest, ripest peach and someone will still hate peaches". It's sounds like this man is miserable inside and his "jokes" are not simply care free jokes. Try to ignore him if you can. He's not a happy camper.

Thanks. I'll try, and I just hope he decides to stay away forever. That is what would be best.

However, he said he would be away for "awhile." and I also remember that he said some time ago that his brother was coming to visit him, so it may just be that he said what he said to try to turn some folks against me, because everyone knows that he and I don't get along. So they would figure that I got him kicked out of our Social Club or something. I told my boss what he had been saying to folks, what I had overheard. She said she would have a talk with him, so maybe that was the result of the talk. I don't know. She didn't tell me anything personally about what they spoke about. She only told all of us what he had said, when folks inquired if she had heard from him and questioned why he was no longer coming, whereas he had been coming every day for months.

However, I have lived here a long time, I have plenty of friends there AND I WORK THERE, so my boss is going to side with me, I am pretty sure, if he ever returns and causes any more trouble.

I did tell him off about 2 weeks ago, when he got really snide with me. I had been "taking it" for a long time silently before that (trying to ignore it), like for about 6 months, but you know, a person can only take so much. And I was in a MANIC and had finally HAD IT WITH HIM AND HIS NASTINESS, so I told him off but good. He looked like a hunted animal when I got done with him. I kind of think that maybe he won't mess with me any longer, but we shall see! Time will tell. I think he didn't really think I was ever going to fight back. He was surprised when I told him off, I think. He was not expecting that, because I usually just ignore him.

Attack. Raise your voice and call him out on exactly what he is doing, preferably in the presence of others, and assure him that you will no longer be his victim. Shame him. Don't worry about his age; if he can make you miserable, then he can take the retaliation.

Sounds like you are already taking good care of yourself! Remember you can't change someone else's behavior, but you can change your own. Sadly, this gentleman has some issues and is likely to change his mind even if he did become friendly with you. Also, not everyone is going to like you but those that do are the ones to treasure.

Well, today we had a lecture from the former Director of the Social Club, basically saying that we have to stick up for one another and defend anyone who is being picked on. Someone protested that, that was hard to do, and several others agreed. So, basically, no one wants to stick their nose out and possibly get punched for defending me (or the other 2 people that I know of that he has picked on also). In other words, just as they have been a bunch of cowards, not wanting to defend me or the others, so they want to continue to be. SIGH.... the bully is still gone. He did not get to hear the lecture, but I am sure he heard about it from his "friends." He has 3-4 friends in the place that I know of. Most of them are women. Most of them think his bullying is "just kidding around" and have no clue how nasty he has been to me or the others. They sit in other areas of the club, or don't ride its bus (where a lot of the bullying has taken place), so they have not witnessed the cruelty to which he is capable. He picks and chooses who to butter up and kiss butt to, so those people all think he is a nice guy. And guess who they are BLAMING for his absence? ME!

So, now *I* am supposedly the bad guy. Add to that, that he has been saying I have done bad things to him (which I have not) and even my boss is kind of miffed at me. She has told someone she wishes he would come back. And I kind of get that she too blames ME for his not being there.

So I am feeling like quitting my job there, but I am going to try to stick it out and see how things go. I've been advised by a good friend not to mention him at all there, and if someone seems to be blaming me for his absence to ask them point blank if they are blaming me for it.

I HATE ALL OF THIS!!! I feel so doubly wronged.

THIS

Somebody has to stand up to him. If other people dislike him like you say they do. They will follow your lead.

Nothing.

WOW, mixed messages. One says to attack him and another says to do nothing. Now I feel like I am at a crossroads. Which way do I turn? Neither way seems like a happy place to go to, to tell you the truth. I feel like if I do nothing, that he will continue on doing what he is doing. On the other hand, no matter what I do, it seems like he will continue on doing what he is doing anyway! He is just a nasty, cruel, mean spirited man. That is just so HARD to deal with!!!

I was tired and it was late (for me). I knew what I meant, but let me clarify, because in hindsight, there's no way you could have deciphered my response.

Hate is a feeling. He has a right to his feelings. So do nothing, let him hate. Abuse is an action. He has no right to abuse you. THAT you do something about.

You're very unlikely to ever get this guy to like you. No sense worrying about what you can't have. Now, you have a right - an obligation even, to not stand by and let an innocent person suffer abuse. That would be you. So you have to stand up to the abusive behavior. How you do that is going to be up to you.

Personally, I'm not one for the revenge camp, but it is an option. Fighting fire with fire is always an option. Fighting fire with love is also an option. There's an infinite amount of ways to do both. For me, I try to imagine a loving grandparent of mine behaving that way because of Alzheimers, chronic physical pain, chronic emotional pain, etc., and decide how I would hope others would treat them in my absence. Knowing that they can be miserable people to be around and can be abusive, how would I want people to protect themselves from their abuse while being as kind to them as possible? Then I do that.

That may not work for you - and that's okay. You've got lots of options here. Decide who YOU are and respond accordingly.

Good ideas. I guess there are many ways to love someone. One way is to leave them alone if they have asked to be left alone. Now as long as he leaves me alone and does not make snide comments behind my back like he has been, that is fine with me.

I found out how to reach my boss's boss last night. That changes everything. I can and will have to go above her and ask to speak with him and have HIM speak to the bully and tell him what is not ok about what he has been doing. I know the bully will try to defend himself with some lies. He already, I believe, has done that with my boss.

I've been advised by a friend not to mention him at all to anyone at work. So I have been trying to do that. Today went much better. I am hoping tomorrow even goes better yet. So far the bully has not returned. I don't know if he ever will return, but if he does, I have a way to get him handled, by a MAN, which is what he needs, as he has no real respect for women, in my experience with his behavior. He tells a lot of off-color jokes and degrading ex-wife/ ex-GF stories....

What is his history with women? He certainly seems to have issues with them. Perhaps you set him off some way along that line. Or maybe with other beliefs he thinks you have?

Sounds like you have done all you can to me. Try to ignore him--or maybe say "I'm sorry you hate me. I wish that wasn't the case"?

I've felt hated all my life as far back as I can remember, like age 3. I have never grown used to it. I feel it, like a heaviness, a sadness. There's nothing I can do about it except cut off all communication and block phone numbers/emails. If it's someone I love and care about who hates me (I have a lot of those) I have to keep communication lines open, but I have them listed in my phone as a 'z' before their name so I don't access the name/number as much. Being that I've alienated everyone I've ever been related to or known since birth you would think I was used to the pain and feeling that I need to eliminate myself from the face of the earth by popular demand. However, in reality that won't work.

I try to figure out why the person hates me (still) and then learn from that if I can. I also have limited the number of people I connect with to just about zero. That eliminates anyone self-inflicted from hating me. I can't do anything about anyone else's feelings.

Time. Time to get over the anger I feel for the person who judges me so harshly by their own mind that I feel I deserve that dark mean hate from them. After the anger usually comes the sadness and loneliness of loss, sometimes regret.

Mostly I just go back to my own life, avoiding, never joining, always backing out, and keeping myself distant from everyone in my life no matter who they are, and new people have no chance. Not anymore.

I'm sorry you're being treated that way.

You DON'T deserve it, and you'll realize that hate is just an opinion. They can take their opinion and shove it in their ______.

C'mon, you are no kid. Try not to create a drama out of the old guy's behavior. Ignore him. Be mature about it, and ignore him. I mean, really. Act as if he was a wall.

I agree with Laurie....no need to give any weight to what this person thinks or says. I am of the feeling that what others think of me is absolutely none of my business.

I have been doing that for 6 months, but recently I lost it, while in a MANIC, and told him off. 6 months is a LONG time to have to put with this kind of nastiness. I was tired of it and just got fed up! I am only human and can only take so much, especially since I have a childhood history of extensive bullying and have also been emotionally abused by family members. I have past traumas too. ALL of these things have been stirred up by this man. I am triggered beyond the boiling point.

I have therapy today, but I did not get enough sleep last night. I have to go to work (where all of this has gone on) before I go to therapy. I am not looking forward to work today!

Hi Sheila, this situation with the guy at work seems to be a recurring theme in your posts. I hope that as you continue with therapy you can dig deep into issues of childhood bullying and abuse. And look at how that effects your reactions to situations in your life now.

Unfortunately, There is always going to be that one jerk in any work or social situation. You can't avoid them. Trying to figure out why they are like they are is pretty much a waste of your time. Hope you can find a peaceful resolution.

Accept it and move on. Is there anything more that you can do, really?

"Accept it and move on" seems like really good advice until I try it. It does not work.

I am working with Mobile Crisis to see if they have a therapist that can help me. Mine can't. She has no experience with BULLYING AMONG OLDER FOLKS, only with children. I read in a book that there has been done VERY LITTLE RESEARCH on the subject of BULLYING AMONG OLDER ADULTS (a book written by Robin P. Bonifas) but what research she has done shows that it is widespread and that nothing much is being done about it. I have run into this. The Director of our Senior Center has no clue what to do in this situation. I doubt she has any training on how to solve this kind of situation, and she does not even really see it as a problem that needs solving. She sees ME as the "problem" that won't go away instead. Because I keep asking her to handle it.