[Kefira Keja]

Hi. My name is Sadie. I’m new to this site and don’t really know how it works, so forgive me if I do anything wrong.
So, a little background on me: I’m fifteen years old and have had numerous mental health issues in the past, including depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eating disorders (anorexia followed by bulimia). I’m also mildly autistic.
The reason I mention all this is because my depression has been acting up lately- actually, more than acting up. I’m going off the rails. I’ll find myself swinging from a borderline-suicidal state to perfectly normal within the space of six hours. The tiniest stressors will send me into an absolute emotional breakdown. I’m angry over the slightest, tiniest things for no reason- so ridiculously ****ing angry. I have no motivation to complete schoolwork, deadlines don’t seem to matter anymore, I’ll find myself jotting down names to mention in my suicide note and then deleting them the next day wondering what in the hell I was thinking. I’m tired all the damn time.
In all honesty, I have no idea what to do anymore. My therapist says that this isn’t like any pattern of depression she’s ever recognized- like ultra-rapid-cycle bipolar, almost, except without the mania (as ridiculous as that sounds- it’s the only comparison I can think of). Going from a state where I’m literally Googling ‘how to kill yourself’ to being perfectly fine twelve hours later to devolving again the next day is an absolutely exhausting way to live. Nothing is predictable. It’s like being in a hall of mirrors. In my more reasonable moments, I am genuinely worried that I might seriously harm myself during one these episodes.
Does anyone have any advice or similar stories? Anything would be appreciated.
Also, sorry for the wall of text.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi. Yes, I think a lot of people on this site can relate to elements of your experience, sure. It's a very difficult path having depression and so forth. I suffer in those areas myself. Yes, suicidal thoughts start becoming part of the picture as well - of course they do - but like everybody else we really just want to live and get through all this inner struggle. Hang in there and keep reaching out Sadie, stay connected, even if it is via the internet, because every little bit helps.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Sadie,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.
It sounds very erratic and disconcerting.

I'd encourage you to focus on how to stay safe during these episodes, as surviving this, whatever the diagnosis, is the foremost goal. Do you have a support system? Parents, siblings, friends? You have mentioned your therapist; I hope you are getting ultimate support there. Have you and your therapist set up a safety plan?

If your therapist is lost in determining a diagnosis, you could contact a neuropsychologist in order to do testing which might help with a diagnosis(es).
You could also seek another opinion. (We cannot diagnose here on PC.)

Please stay safe.


WC