[trekfands9]

Hello All,

I'm new, so I hope Im doing this right.

I have a dear friend who has had an addiction problem for about half his life (he is 36) Over the last 2 years, he has decided enough is enough and he has gone to rehab twice. When he comes out of the rehab, he seems very committed to staying clean and sober (c/s) but, as many addicted folks do, he does not stay with any after care program for very long. He feels he can do it on his own.

So, my first question- how can I encourage him to stay in treatment. (yes, I know it is up to him and obviously I can'f force anyone to do anything, but other than offering to go with him and reminding him that this is a disease and needs to be managed..... any other ideas?)

In the past, he seems to stay c/s about 1.5 months and then starts to slip. When he slips he lies about it. He just doesn't seem to be able to take personal responsibility for his actions. Yet, at the same time he withdraws into himself because he seems to feel so much shame. It's one thing to feel guilt for doing something wrong, but this is so much deeper and debilitating.

Moving forward, he resets his resolve and is good for another week-ten days, during which time he barely talks to anyone but goes to work and functions like a normal person, BUT, during this time he becomes very verbally abusive to his girlfriend it is unbelievable. This is the part that I really don't understand.

I read the guidelines so I realize I cant post the words he calls her. While under the influence he has hallucinated that she has had sex with other men.
When he comes down, he believes that she actually has.

This woman works 12-14 hour shifts at a restaurant then takes care of her 2 kids. He will accuse her of being tired because she must be sleeping with the boss or every customer that comes in, and all the men around town.
.
The language he uses is just beyond what any woman should put up. I told her she needs to set reasonable boundaries, make them clear to him when he is sober, and stick to them.

But, I can't figure out, why my sweet friend turns into Mr Hyde after he has used and how to pull him out of it. Any ideas???

Thank you all.

There are obviously two issues here; his sobriety, and his relationships.

What is happening with his girlfriend is abusive. What is the nature of your own relationship with her? Are you good friends? Are you able to discuss this with her? A good way to initiate a conversation is with the "I have noticed that..." What do others around her say and feel? Is it possible to hold an intervention for her, demanding she get her own help for herself? You might encourage her to attend an AlAnon meeting.

As for your friend, he may need an intervention himself. Perhaps though you can start with smaller steps. Offer to attend an AA or NA meeting with him. As for AlAnon meetings, I recommend you attend one yourself. They can offer up encouragement and resources for how to deal with such matters - and not forget yourself in the process. [While AlAnon is for family and friends of alcoholics many groups welcome those people whose lies are affected any addicted loved ones]

[*Laurie*]

Your friend is a hardcore addict, from what you've described. Again, from what you've described, there is absolutely nothing more you can do to "help" him change.

If I were in your place I would keep my connection to the man at a bare minimum.

[trekfands9]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

There are obviously two issues here; his sobriety, and his relationships.

What is happening with his girlfriend is abusive. What is the nature of your own relationship with her? Are you good friends? Are you able to discuss this with her? A good way to initiate a conversation is with the "I have noticed that..." What do others around her say and feel? Is it possible to hold an intervention for her, demanding she get her own help for herself? You might encourage her to attend an AlAnon meeting.

As for your friend, he may need an intervention himself. Perhaps though you can start with smaller steps. Offer to attend an AA or NA meeting with him. As for AlAnon meetings, I recommend you attend one yourself. They can offer up encouragement and resources for how to deal with such matters - and not forget yourself in the process. [While AlAnon is for family and friends of alcoholics many groups welcome those people whose lies are affected any addicted loved ones]

Thank you for your reply. As far as my relationship with his girlfriend, I've known her for a little over a year. I would not classify her as being in my circle of friends, yet, I have discussed this situation with her at length. At first, in my own head, it was so cut and dry- you don't allow anyone to speak to you in that manor-but, after giving it some thought and remembering what it was like to be in my 30's and in love, I realized it isn't so easy to just walk away.
So, I have been trying to ask her- you absolutely need to set boundaries and those boundaries need to have consequences. And you need to be willing to enforce the consequences, because if you don't, this is going to continue. I will ask if this is the way she wants to live? Ill ask her if she wants her young daughter to think its ok for a man to treat her like this. Hopefully, that sets in.

I have offered to go to meetings with him, and her. She says yes, but, we never actually seem to get to a meeting.
He wants to go with her.

If he uses again, which he most likely will, then I will try to arrange an intervention.

Once again, thank you for the advice.

[mote.of.soul]

Yes, that's the nature of addiction really. A powerful beast within the mind, and not easily vanquished either. BUT, if the person struggling with the addiction is encouraged to persevere - and he may fall over many times - if he is encouraged to persevere [or she] then that's really all you can do. The rest is up to the individual. I liken the addict [I had a long struggle with substance abuse] to a lost soul who is on a journey to find and make him/herself whole - or at least begin to fill in the missing pieces - yes, missing pieces of the self - because the addiction has been filling in that space.

Encouragement and love - the rest is up to the person. You're a good friend to him.

[healingme4me]

It's good that you are being a pillar of support to your friend. Be careful to not get to caught up in the monitoring of his cycles and patterns.

As for the girlfriend, it's up to her to decide in her own mind when she has had enough. I can actually relate to her story where my exh who is without a doubt battling addiction, er, um not sure if it's really a battle more like living the life--he beyond a shadow of a doubt had himself convinced that I must have. The marriage disintegrated from that point forward. It took me a couple of years, a couple attempts to leave and some generousity of family to help with the legal retainer. Just know it takes time to feel at peace with the decision before what felt like jumping off a cliff solo with kids and a society that at face value cannot comprehend.