Freezing up and not knowing what to say right away when falsely accused of something

Does anyone have the annoying reaction of freezing up and not knowing what to say when someone confronts you about something they assume that you did when you clearly didn't? I tend to have this problem and I hate it, I eventually know what things I should have said but usually it is too late by that point. Here are a few examples. Back in college, I was hung out with someone who I thought was a real friend. Then one day, out of the blue, she came up to me and accused me of backstabbing her.

She started acting weird and indifferent towards me when she was around a different group of friends she just met and when I asked her about that she said I was overreacting. Then she came and accused me of backstabbing, which I would never do. She told me to prove that I didn't do it but of course I was so stunned by the accusation that I basically remained silent until it was too late. I did however say that it wasn't true and she said that one of her friends she just met a few days earlier who were freshmen in college told her and that they have no reason to lie and backstab. Meanwhile she knew me for a year. It really hurt when she did that.

Once she left, I realized I should have told her that she knew me way longer than them and should know I would never do such a thing and should have told her that the people she hung out with had the tendency to backstab others and that they definitely were lying. Another friend who I mentioned in the post that cut me off after trying to be controlling called me clingy and I didn't know what to say at first. I froze up. Eventually I did try to explain that I wasn't clingy but she wasn't having it. Yet it was okay for her to be clingy to others. I am glad I am out of both of those friendships. Then a couple years ago, I was let go from a day-to-day substituting job as a paraprofessional for a school district.

I had no warning. I just noticed that the app that was used to notify me of someone being absent and needing a substitute wasn't working. I called up the HR manager in charge of the substitutes and she flat out told me in a harsh manner that I wasn't wanted back at that school district because just one teacher from one school, out of the eight schools I went to many times, felt offended because apparently I didn't hear her requesting my help. I was called extremely unprofessional and inappropriate and they didn't even let me share my side of the story.

Apparently she went as far as to say I used my phone in class which I didn't, I used it after the school day to get a ride which you are allowed to do after school ends and on breaks. I actually had evidence to prove her wrong but instead, I froze up and just said sorry which probably made me look very guilty over the phone. Looking back, there probably not much I could have done there since it was all through phone and the people in charge of the substitutes didn't actually meet with anyone face to face so they would obviously believe whoever complained over me and not even care to listen to my side.

They most likely just wanted to get rid of me since right before it happened, I found out there were way more substitutes than there were actual regular paras in the district. Way more than necessary so I actually believe they just wanted to get rid of me and were looking for an excuse to do so. There has been many other times, even at the current school district I work at, where I didn't immediately hear what someone asked me to do, both because of it being loud at times and due to my hearing impairment, and not once did I get in trouble. Not just at work, but in general every day social settings as well. If someone really wants my attention, they will get it.

After it happened, quite a few people who knew me in that school district that let me go asked if I could substitute with them again, not knowing what had happened. I had to unfortunately tell them I was no longer available, although I didn't tell them why though. I just said personal reasons. I also graduated from that same school district as well back in 2010 so there were a lot of teachers at the high school that remembered me, not sure if that had something to do with it or not but I sometimes wonder if I asked one of them to back me up, maybe I could have been allowed to work there again. But I moved on ever since. I've seen people do way worse things and even use their phones in class and never got fired or even yelled at.

That is why I truly believe they just wanted to get rid of me and I wish I didn't freeze up. Another time, way back in high school, I had a friend accuse me of trying to creep on her after she urged me to walk her to class a couple of times. Looking back, she probably just wanted to end the friendship but still, I froze up and didn't defend myself right away. I didn't even want to walk with her but I did out of politeness and she went ahead and accused me. How do you handle this? What kind of stuff have you been accused of out of the blue that wasn't even true? I hate freezing up because it makes me look guilty and I am not able to share my side of the story. I am always constantly worried that it could happen again. Although there has been other cases where someone said I did something that wasn't true and at first I froze up but then later on I actually did say something. I am getting a bit better at it now but still need a lot of improvement. Anyone else struggle with this? Just wondered.

Well... on the rare occasion I’ve been confronted with anything... I did do it. And I definitely freeze up (and feel really embarrassed).

Being set up for failure by “friends” is not cool. Is this something that has happened to you a lot? I think it takes practice to learn to speak up in uncomfortable situations. I had to learn to speak up for myself. It was a lot of trial and error. I think once I realized I deserved to be spoken up for, it helped me overcome my reservations about it. It might be something you have to start practicing in every day life... speaking up...

Not sure if this helps. Also, I think if I were to be falsely accused or yelled at... and people were just generally mistreating me... I wouldn’t care to say anything and would honestly prefer to just walk away.

Yeah I tend to freeze up very easily and don’t think of anything to say until later, although I am a bit better now than I was a few years ago. And in terms of walking away, I tend to do that eventually too but at the same time I don’t like the idea of thinking something is true when it isn’t. I want them to hear the real truth, not the lies they made up or were given by others.

You can definitely learn to become comfortable with speaking up. I remember a time when I thought I couldn’t get past freezing up. I have always been a shy person. It can be done. ❤️

I agree and yeah I am shy too.

i am shy too and this type of situation i would in the past dwell on. not anymore as i realize it is better to walk away, whether you say something or not. a person who accuses you of things isn't worth the time of my day unless it was something i knew was true. you're better off without them.

Yeah makes sense. The friendships that ended due to it, I am glad they ended but I still wish I had been able to tell them the truth before contact was stopped. Basically it is a way of letting them know that the side they believe is not exactly true and that they should be more careful and not just accuse people of things right off the bat. Same thing for the employer, I am actually glad I am not working for them but at the samw time, wish I had the guts to politely let them know, in a professional manner, that the side of the story they heard was not exactly true.

Maybe they would have taken that into consideration and had a talk with that teacher as well rather than just believing the teacher right off the bat without questioning whether or not it was true. They obviously wanted to get rid of me but they could have used a better excuse or just told the truth. Same with past friends who did that, they obviously wanted to end the friendship, but they could have either just told the truth or if there was a rumor, they could have considered both sides of the story instead of just one. Basically, in general, whether it is work related or just in a social setting with friends, the message I want to send to people who do that would be that I respect their decision for not wanting to be around me anymore, but at the same time, let them know that the side of the story they heard isn't exactly true and that they should take that into consideration.

I am like this all the time in every day life. I always clam up when I am confronted about anything. And most of the time what ever the thing was, it wasn't my fault.

Yep same for me. I would admit it if it was. I know that friends who did that in the past were most likely just looking for ways to end the friendship, but I still wish I had let them know that their side of the story wasn't exactly true and taken that into consideration rather than just believing that one side they heard.

I struggle with this constantly and have for years. I'm learning that a lot of my struggle stems from my battle with Cptsd. I was so afraid as a child to speak up that I genuinely don't know how to do it now. So, I have to learn to be more assertive and and not freeze with fear that the person will hurt me, which triggers my fawn/freeze response (see Pete Walker's Surviving to Thriving or Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy for a description of the four F's).

I was remembering an incident from childhood that made me think about how far back my freezing goes. I was dressed up for Easter and ready to go to church. I was wearing a pair of shoes that were too small and my feet hurt so bad. But I was so afraid of getting in trouble for saying something that I wore those horrible shoes all day until I wanted to cry from the pain.

So, I think part of it is, somewhere along the line I either forgot how to speak up or never learned. I'm a compassionate person too, so codependency and being walked all over is a constant problem for me.

Thanks for this. Walking away feels next to impossible for me lol! Especially since a lot of my issues are with my family. I don't know how to love them without being used.

I have low self-esteem and a hard time speaking up for myself too. People often take advantage of me.

I have the same issue and always have as well. I'm sorry you struggle, never heard of Fawn before. I'll look into that.

Yeah walking away can be hard.

Same with me.

Thanks so much I'm just learning about Fawn as well. Honestly, just learning that I have ptsd at all. It's been an eye opener learning about it. I hope that you find helpful information!

Thank you and I'm glad it is helping you by learning it!

Yes, I have this same issue. I avoid confrontation as much as possible because of it. It frustrates me so much that I can't muster basic words in a situation like that. For instance, I was pulled over in the Spring for being in the passing lane on the highway with no cars to pass. When the cop asked me why I was in that lane I just quickly said, without even thinking, "passing" - it WAS true, I had just passed a car who exited just a quarter mile or so before the cop saw me. The reason I stayed in that lane after passing was because the highway was about to end and I needed to be in that lane to turn in town coming up. Of course my stupid brain completely dumped that tidbit and I didn't mention that. When he confronted me on the fact that he saw no other cars, just me on that stretch of highway, I froze and couldn't say anything else. I'm sure this made me look like a liar. I tried to explain it on the appeal form online, but of course they didn't buy it and I still had to pay the full fine and pay for traffic school to avoid getting points put on my license.

Oh wow that really sucks. Yeah instances like that is sonfrustrating. I never got pulled over since I don’t drive but that is something I see happening to me if I ever did get pulled over once I start driving.

Same here. I've had many start stops with driving. I have a license at least, but yeah lets just say I'm a nervous driver.

Yeah I would be too.

My parents were the "suspect" type. if something went wrong, I was somehow involved. So, I took a slightly different turn as far as this goes. I react immediately and rather violently when accused of something and I am 100% innocent. Not doing that crap anymore.

Yeah my parents, more so my dad, are the suspect type too.

My sibling suddenly turned on me and out of nowhere, accused me and my daughters of stealing from my mother. I was so shocked , at first I said nothing. Then I realized my sibling was a narcissist and doing his best to break me. He succeeded but at a later date, I not only stood up for myself and girls, but really let him have it. Maybe he heard me, maybe he didn't but I had my say. I was usually silent if accused of something cause I figured no one would believe what I had to say. This time, my sibling pushed me too far and I made sure he knew everything that was on my mind. It did feel better to an extent, but the pain of being accused never went away.

Wow I’m sorry that happened to you. Yeah I’ve met people like that. Yeah it is a relief when you say what is on your mind. Yeah that is another reason i freeze up as well, I feel like I would not be believed. But I am getting better at saying something because even if the person doesn’t listen or believe me, they can at least know that there is in fact another side of the story they are unaware of and should take it into consideration.