I was watching on YouTube videos about how to develop self-confidence because I have none, and I cannot do anything because of it, and the message was that self-confidence is purely a state of mind, and is not a result of achievements and competence. It is about imagining you can do it. But how could you imagine what you can achieve something, while your past experience is full of failures? Is it just some delusional tool just to keep trying and not give up? But I guess it's true. I know people who have achieved less, but still more confident that me, in how they speak and in how they conduct themselves, but why and how?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling I do believe it's true. Self-confidence is just another way to look at life and it can be indipendent from what we've actually achieved. Of course the more successful we are, the more it grows... but we have to develop it first. Have you tried to read some books on the subject? Maybe that could help. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[WishfulThinker66]

I can tell you I have been highly rewarded and decorated - yet I still have an incredibly low self-esteem with a correspondingly lacking of confidence.

I was raised that nothing less than achieving greatness was expected. I was not rewarded for the achievements I garnered but then instead punished for not receiving them. Consequently, a drive to succed at all costs was ingrained into me. And, despite the honours and awards that have come my way I am always thinking I wasn't good enough and less than perfect. What would my mother think and all. That.

Those accolades I have received though in no way are a measure of who I am. They are no measure of someone's true success in life. They are rather quite empty.

There has been an incredible downside to the need for appreciation and success - I have learned the behaviours of taking flight and avoidance. For every thing I have done well in in life, there would be something else I have not even tried or given up on. I have learned a 'why bother' attitude instead of a 'I will try my best' or 'I can do this' mindset.

[eskielover]

I grew up around parents who had absolutely no self-confidence or drive to achieve anything. I honestly have no idea where my competitive spirit & drive came from but it seemed to kinda be there from the beginning in spite of my environment.

It was validated & encouraged in school & then I started seeing education as being my way out of where my parents were. I would always stand up for people being picked on just to put those picking on them in their place. I knew the values I held & would always stick with them. I was kinda a loner but always fit into the outskirts of every group without being a part because I really was too independent to be part of any specific group.

I always stood up for myself even when my parents were incapable of doing it.

I remember way back in the early 70's I was getting my AA & doing some work for this musician guy that lived in the hills of Burbank. (Had to have money to live there) He agreed to pay me a specific amount for the work he wanted done that I could do at home. I did the work & brought it back & he was going to pay me less than he had agreed to. I told him that unless he payed me what he agreed to he was never going to get the work I did. I got paid what he originally agreed to. When I got home & told my mom what happened she was shocked that "I had the nerve" to do that. She commented on how different I was from my parents & jokingly how they must have given them the wrong baby when they brought me home from the hospital. She had no idea how hard I worked to be different than them (without any therapy). I just didn't like the way my parents were. It must have been some internal thing because it sure wasn't my environment.

...I was raised that nothing less than achieving greatness was expected. I was not rewarded for the achievements I garnered but then instead punished for not receiving them....

Wow. This is exactly how I was raised. When I got A at school, it was normal with no praise, but when I got B I was beaten, literally. This was my life until high school. Until this day my father expects me to be someone great, and because I am not what he expects, he keeps criticizing me and puts me down.

I think people are born with a sprint of adventurer and warrior, but this spirit is sometimes crushed, unfortunately, by the closest people like your parents. Until now, when I'm in the presence of my parents, I don't talk because I know my father will criticize me afterwards. The problem is that when I don't talk he would criticized me, too.

I developed low self-esteem and social anxiety and the fear of doing and saying anything, and it's become part of my unconscious mind. But listening to those videos, the speaker makes it sounds easy. Just decide, and it will happen!!

[eskielover]

I developed low self-esteem and social anxiety and the fear of doing and saying anything, and it's become part of my unconscious mind.

Interesting because my fear of saying anything that Ivdidn't actually REALLY KNOW anything about came from me not wanting to sound as stupid as my parents. I was very quiet & shy until it was something I knew about. My home growing up never had newspapers or magazines to read & learn from & no way to get to the library because it was too far from home to walk to & my parents didn't read. I read as much as I could from school but it didn't get me informed like other kids in school.....so there was no way I was going to open my mouth & say anything that made me sound stupid. I just absorbed what I heard & analyzed it in my own head....glad that has changed....but have learned so much over the years from listening & researching things I really want to know about or just fact checking what people say.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I can tell you I have been highly rewarded and decorated - yet I still have an incredibly low self-esteem with a correspondingly lacking of confidence.

Ditto. I am always looking around for someone else to tell me what to do or assuming someone else has the answer... but they never do. My best guess is that I was raised that way, not so much that I couldn't do something but that getting ideas from others couldn't help but improve things. So I am always looking for people to tell me what I think is the way to go, is. Or that I can do something.

[addisonsophia]

Hi Aimless Soul,
Thanks for pointed out my problem.
I have a lot of skill in my field. But, I can't express all of those due to a lack of self-confidence. So, my office colleague takes advantage of it. So, I depression for it.
I did not find out the proper way how to improve it myself.