[uwithumlaut]

Hello everyone,

I'll start from childhood with a story I just found out.

When I was about 7 or 8 I had an incident in which I got very scared of “some dark men” I started saying leave me alone while covering my ears. Afterward, I was afraid to enter the house for several months.
My grandma told me this story. I can’t recall any of it.

In the last years, I started smoking a lot of cannabis. It seems to keep me calm and in a start of mind in which I don’t have to feel much but from time to time I seem to go in a vortex of bad thoughts.

Following a psychotic episode, I quit all forms of drugs, started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist who prescribed antipsychotics. Since then episode I started to isolate myself and fighting to avoid anything that would be a stressor. And being afraid of going outside as I feel people give me too much attention. Sometimes in the day, I start feeling like a child or have some moments in which I feel good with myself In which I wish everything was good and my mind would work as it should. A very powerful wish that I envision as being real.

Since I quit drugs from time to time I feel and wish that everyone should leave me alone. It a very powerful feeling. I think I can connect this feeling with the one from childhood.

I don’t know if I have a single question. I am just curious if anyone had a similar situation and how day managed to deal with it.

Thanks and sorry my poor English

[Soulfly]

hello and welcome to PC, i can relate to your Mental state mate, i guess everyone who suffers from a form of psychosis can, unfortunetally theres no easy way to deal with such symptoms as the ones of schizophrenia, theres no cure and it will probably need to take strong drugs for the rest of your life, still eating healthy and exercise can improve your mood, also socialize if thats possible, at least u have to try to, hard to say and do after the corona outbreak but there will be better days for everyone, dont lose your hope , theres thousands of people having the same problems as u have, u could also try the PC chat, theres always someone who understands there, just dont let your bad thoughts consuming you, distracting your self with hobbies can also help,just dont give up mate we are many here living the same situation as you do, again welcome be safe

[mote.of.soul]

Hi uwithumlaut,

Reading your experiences rang a lot of bells for me. Yes, my life and life experiences have been similar to yours, definitely.

I come from a troubled background of trauma and then later on, onto the alcohol and drugs I went. I found peace in them - I also found problems. But as I got older all I wanted to do was straighten my life out and find the real me. So that's what I endeavored to do. But - and this is the way it seems to me - in finding the real me, I found someone who was quite damaged psychologically, emotionally, and like you I have terrible social anxiety which, for me, lead to depression, as well. Oh my goodness, it's been horrible.

And I had a psychotic episode at age 35 as well. I had hoped by the time I was in my 30's that my life would have been a success story of triumph against the odds, haha, but after that psychotic breakdown, the opposite became true. My struggles continued and I got worse! Oh dear. I won't go into the details because it upsets me.

I just wanted to tell you, you're most definitely not alone in your particular journey through life.

Having tried a lot of things in the mental health field to overcome my issues, in the end, I just keep too myself now, and just face every day with determination and the will to grow, and try my best to maintain a positive outlook. That's how I manage to deal with it.

Stay strong, friend. Stay hopeful.

Also, your English is very good, uwithumlaut.

Thank you, and a very warm welcome to Psych Central.

[uwithumlaut]

Thank you for the nice messages and advice! Really helps. Understanding that there are people out there with the same battles that I have fight makes the battle easier and gives me hope. Thank you guys <3