Tuned in to inner-critic

Typically my inner critic is so ingrained I don't even hear/feel it. I struggle to try and hear it, and when I finally do hear something it's saying, I don't know what to do about it. In between times I read all this self-help stuff, and then I get confused because I can't remember where I read what thing. So I thought I'd reach out for help here:

I just identified this very morning that my inner critic said that, in essence, I'm lazy.

And as usual I got stuck on the next step. What do you do next, when you hear your inner critic?

I may agree that I am lazy and continue to be lazy, or it may motivate me to do something useful.

But I don't like the idea of thinking of myself as lazy - I mean.. I wouldn't tell someone else they're lazy, it wouldn't be kind. Esp if they have rheumatoid arthritis & can barely get out of bed. My drill sgt from the military at this point would be like - 'nah, man, go on ahead and go sit down & rest. Making coffee is tough.' LOL! So I have an inner critic that has unrealistic expectations, and is unkind. Sounds like my parents from when I was little, which is likely where it comes from. I would like to get rid of that. I cut off relations w/ my actual parents when I turned 18 bc of all the ugly stuff they said/did - and realizing that I've been carrying that soundtrack around w/ me for the past 30 yrs really kind of annoys me.
I don't want to agree with them that I'm lazy. Which is probably why I push myself so hard no matter how bad I feel. 'call me lazy? I'll put in 100 feet of fence while about to pass out from heat and pain! Ha, there, I showed you!' *eye roll*)
Realizing as I type this that I have 2 modes:
1 - refute what they said. (I'm stupid? Fine, I'll get graduate degrees. I'm lazy? Fine, I'll join the military! I'm ugly? Fine, I'll have zillions of boyfriends. I'll never achieve any kind of success? Etc etc.)
2 - accept what they said and agree with it (Yes, I am lazy. I'll just sit here and hate myself for being lazy. Yes, I am stupid, I'll just sit here and hate myself for being stupid. Yes, I am ugly, I'll just sit here and hate myself for being ugly. Etc)
Like - there are only 2 options. I think there's a third option - but I can't quite wrap my head around it.

Yes, it can be a challenge for many to struggle with those two options constantly. And unfortunately many parents and adults often don't realize they are constantly causing that very challenge in their children. What you are describing of dealing with these two options is called cognitive dissonance. (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.)
The inner critic isn't always a voice either, often it's also emotional confusion as well.

When you put that fence in despite the heat and having the arthritus, the important person that needs to appreciate that is YOU. That's the third option you keep struggling with. But, you are not alone with that challenge, MANY struggle with this type of challenge.

That's really interesting... When I do awful hard things like that, I don't appreciate it. I just say, 'Ugh, I'm so glad that's done' - and reward myself by not doing anything else that's awful unless it really needs to be done. I don't feel like I did anything good, or praiseworthy, or anything, I just did what needed to be done.

And now I'm wondering if this is another way I'm abnormal, lol. I think this is the biggest thing therapy has done for me, is show me all the ways I am different from other people. Like, 'What? You mean most people don't think the world is a dangerous place?' And so on.

I forgot to mention disputing the nasty accusations of the inner critic. If you have RA, then you are not lazy. You can be kind to yourself and tell that inner critic you can rest, maybe in the imaginary voice of the drill Sargent who would cut you some slack.

For me, I occasionally tell myself I am lazy and it doesn’t even both me. I laugh it off. I feel blessed to have the luxury of being able to be lazy if I want to. Productivity? Goals? Pshawwww!

For you, though, you feel a drive to ‘be all you can be’...an Army slogan that stuck?

My therapist told me to be kind to myself so I will be more kind to others. He guilted my inner voice to quiet! It’s a nice thought though and may work to help you treat yourself with more kindness.

Thank you I guess I have to learn how to talk back to the inner critic. I never learned how to talk back to anyone when I was a kid, the only acceptable answer was Yes Sir or Yes Ma'am and I'd better agree with whatever they said enthusiastically or else. My drive has always been to defy what my parents said about me. I was told I wouldn't even graduate high school bc I was so stupid I'd get pregnant and drop out. I graduated, joined the military, got married before getting pregnant - and ended up getting a graduate degree. I was told I would do drugs, get drunk, and generally be stupid.. I never did drugs, never drank in high school, etc. I could go on and on, but my whole goal was to prove them wrong.
So I think I'm still answering that inner critic by saying, "Look, I'll practically kill myself out here in the sun, putting up a fence, ignoring my pain, and I'll prove it, see how I'm not lazy?"
I literally want to cry at the idea of telling my critic that I have RA and I need to rest, and stop calling me lazy.

It's ridiculous, but I think I'm actually as afraid of my inner critic - a construct of my subconscious' imagination - as I was afraid of my parents when I was a little kid. Ugh. My brain is so frustrating.

I think you are on to something. You ARE afraid to talk back because you didn’t do it in reality. I’m sorry they were so mean and told you that you were stupid.

Meanwhile, you have achieved a lot.

The military and your parents sound like they use this tear ‘em down to build ‘em up tactic.
Did your parents ever say they were proud of you?

The military does do that, but didn't need to with me, lol, I was already torn down. Basic training was an unprecedented level of freedom and kindness in my life. They only got onto you if you did something wrong, AND they couldn't lay a hand on you. Pfft, lol. I slept like a baby every night! LOL! I was never so happy in my whole life as after I joined up. The sheer relief at knowing the rules, and knowing I was OK if I just followed the rules was unbelievable. After a chaotic childhood where anything could be OK one day and life-threateningly-wrong the next, it was fabulous.

Yes, actually, while I was waiting to ship out, I was told they were proud of me for joining up for the military. At that point I no longer wanted any part of it and actually would have reversed course but I had already signed papers. Basically, anything they blessed, I cursed, and vice versa - if I'd known they wanted me to go into the military, I'd have run off to join the circus instead. But I didn't know, so I joined up and inadvertently 'made them proud'. (it didn't last, of course, I was useless and stupid and it made them sick to look at me again by the next day, but whatevs)

Yep, I'm totally afraid of talking back. I spent half the night last night tied up in anxiety knots just from thinking about it yesterday. So how do I conquer this fear?

Also - I didn't mention above, but... Thank you for this. I appreciate your kind words. (While I'm typing the above, I hear 'even though I don't deserve the kindness' in my head. Sigh)

How to Deal with an Especially Cruel Inner Critic
I am reading this, and finding that everything it says to do ties me up in knots as well, lol. I think I have this huge ball of fear attached to addressing my inner critic (because then I'd have to focus on it, giving it more power), listening to my inner critic (because if I listen I might find out that it's all true, and I don't want to believe that) and generally having anything to do with it. I feel so much better when I just ignore/forget/pretend it's not there. Ironically that's the same way I deal with ALL my issues. *eye roll*

It’s totally understandable to live in a state of anxiety when one day something is acceptable and the next it is punished. Your inner critic is that unpredictable abuser. Tell it to F off!

Maybe I need to find a way to assure myself that the inner critic can't hurt me first, lol. I don't know how to make that transition.