[lynn P.]

I'm not sure if this belongs in Healthy Parenting or not. Since my daughter started grade 7 last year(she's in grade 8 now), she's had a best friend. My daughter bought a new fashionable wallet 2 weeks ago. She brought it too school and it had $15 in it, along with some store discount cards and a pic of her sister with her name on it. Daughter shares a locker with this friend.

A couple days after bringing it too school, my daughter said she lost it and the last time she had it, was at school. She went to the office to see if it was turned in and it wasn't there. Yesterday at lunch recess, she asked the teacher if she could look for something in the classroom. She and the girl sit next to each other and the back packs were under the desk. Daughter got the urge to look in her friends back pack and was stunned to see her wallet. At first she thought "oh nice she got the same wallet"- innocent assumption.

She opened it and saw her cards and sisters pic. She put it in her jacket and asked her friend "have you seen my wallet"? She said "no". Daughter said "well why was THIS in YOUR backpack?

On Sunday they were out together with friends and daughter was mentioning how she's disappointed that she lost her wallet. The girl said "I hope you find it". This tidbit of info is relevant because my daughter called her yesterday to confront her and the girl claims she found it in a lost and found bin on Friday - she claims she has a witness.

If she found it on Friday and clearly knows my daughter is missing the wallet - wouldn't the friend be anxious to return it as soon as she found it. If she found it on Friday - why not give it to her on Friday or at least tell her on Sunday when the convo came up. My daughter is also missing a nice ring too. This is a sad situation because this is my daughters best friend. I don't see any reasonable explanation, other than she's a thief.

Hello, Lynn. How sad.

[notz]

Wow, a tough and very awkward situation. This kid will carry the guilt for a long time. It would be good if she could find a way to fess up. Things might never be the same between the two girls, but at least she could unburden herself.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by notz

Wow, a tough and very awkward situation. This kid will carry the guilt for a long time. It would be good if she could find a way to fess up. Things might never be the same between the two girls, but at least she could unburden herself.

I agree. It's obvious the girl was trying to hide the fact, she had the wallet. When my daughter had the wallet in her coat, she point blank asked her "have you seen my wallet"? That's proves she's lying and a thief. When daughter called her yesterday, she told her she wanted the truth and reassured her they would work it out. The girl refuses to admit she's at fault and claims she found it on Friday.

On Sunday both our families kids take 2nd language courses and we take turns driving all the kids to the school. If the girl would simply admit this, I believe my daughter's diplomatic enough to work through this. I wonder if someone is a thief - is it too much to expect a thief to be honest. How do you get a thief - to tell the truth.

[notz]

Again, tough spot. And you're barely over (maybe!) the neighbor witch down the street. Your kids are just having a tough time right now, aren't they? And mom is too!

Kids make mistakes. Some don't know how to responsibly 'get out of/survive' a bad situation. She doesn't understand the implications of being thought of as a thief...that could be on your mind about her for years. But she probably can't think that long away.

Your daughter sounds level headed with the ability to say what she needs to. Could she try talking to the friend again? Maybe with a different script? More exacting of the evidence, saying my wallet went missing and I know you had it. Why didn't you give it to me? You knew it was missing.

Something like that might give the friend an easy way out. They still have to coexist. She's a kid who made a bad choice. I imagine she's scared to death someone will find out about what she did. I'm not excusing what she did or how she's behaving now...just me sizing up the situation as I understand it.

Of course, can't make anything happen - the old horse to water bit.

There is the ring too.

[Yoda]

I agree with other posters.

I am wondering though if your daughter should continue to share locker with this "friend". I know that probably would be uncomfortable and likely stress the friendship beyond repair but honestly I don't know if this girl really is a real friend. What a tough situation.

[lynn P.]

Yes there's a ring that she took off because she was playing volleyball -she can't remember if she put it in her backpack or locked locker that she shares with her friend. There's no proof she took it though. It's a large bold ring, not easy to lose.

There's also 2 missing eyeliners too lol. On Halloween night my daughter was invited to a girls house, along with my daughters best bud and 1 other girl. Daughter was a geisha so I bought her 2 fancy eyeliners. They all got ready at the girls house. I asked my daughter where it was when she came home and she said in all the excitement, she forgot it at the girls house. The friend(not the best friend) looked all over and couldn't find it - she and her mom even offered to replace it. So I suspect this is a serious problem of sticky fingers.

I have discussed with my daughter - since we can't blindly trust people she shouldn't bring anything of value to school from now on. It's a sad situation and I will see what my daughter says when she comes home.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Yoda

I agree with other posters.

I am wondering though if your daughter should continue to share locker with this "friend". I know that probably would be uncomfortable and likely stress the friendship beyond repair but honestly I don't know if this girl really is a real friend. What a tough situation.

Yes I've been thinking about this and true it would strain the friendship or lack of, even more. I've told my daughter from now on, she shouldn't bring anything of value to school. At the most she can bring $2 and hide it deep in her backpack.

When she spoke to her yesterday - she swore she didn't do anything wrong. The eerie thing about this is - I didn't actually like her too much but I went along with my daughter being friends, out of respect for my daughter. It's a hard lesson, learning you can't really trust anyone.

[englishteacher]

Lynn,

So sorry to hear about your daughter's friend, but she really doesn't sound like a very good friend. It seems like a change of friends and lockers would protect your daughter the best. People just suck!

[lynn P.]

My daughter's home now. She said the girl took a 'vow of silence' all morning long. In the afternoon a mutual friend called my daughter over to the girl in question. She gave her a ridiculous/pointless statement by saying "I'm sorry YOU don't trust me with your stuff". Haa - my daughter never gave her the wallet to hold in HER trust. Irrelevant and maddening.

[notz]

Tell one lie and you have to tell more to cover the ones preceding.

The girl has found an ugly way to "save face". Trying to put it all on your kid makes me sad for this unfortunate choice. The odds of this kid coming out of this situation with personal integrity are slim and none.

But on the other hand, a teachable moment for your daughter. She cuts her losses and moves on. imho, of course.

[lynn P.]

A couple of hours ago, my daughter and the girl were discussing what happened on Facebook and getting no where, so my daughter told her to call her. She started out by saying, that she was kind enough to do the initial confrontation(yesterday) in private, so the girl wouldn't have to be embarrassed in front of other kids.

The main incriminating point was - my daughter hid the found wallet in her coat and said "did you see my wallet" -the girl said "no" - this is a bold faced lie. Any excuse like "I was planning on giving it to you" is irrelevant after her saying "NO". By this time my daughter was sounding like a seasoned lawyer. She then asked "if you found your wallet in Joe's backpack and asked him if he saw it and he said no - what would that make him"?? She try to dodge the question and again my daughter repeated it and she finally answered "a liar.....and she apologized and asked for forgiveness". My daughter said "you're forgiven, but I hope you'll learn from this experience".

Only time will tell if their friendship can continue - at least they won't have to be enemies. If things do end up okay, I hope I'll be able to stand having her at my house. My daughter tried to get her to admit it by being gentle...... it didn't work, so she had to be tough. Even if she forgives her, she'll still have to be careful to protect her things. I still can't figure out what went through her mind - stealing from a stranger is different than stealing from your best friend...isn't it?

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I'm not sure if this belongs in Healthy Parenting or not. Since my daughter started grade 7 last year(she's in grade 8 now), she's had a best friend. My daughter bought a new fashionable wallet 2 weeks ago. She brought it too school and it had $15 in it, along with some store discount cards and a pic of her sister with her name on it. Daughter shares a locker with this friend.

A couple days after bringing it too school, my daughter said she lost it and the last time she had it, was at school. She went to the office to see if it was turned in and it wasn't there. Yesterday at lunch recess, she asked the teacher if she could look for something in the classroom. She and the girl sit next to each other and the back packs were under the desk. Daughter got the urge to look in her friends back pack and was stunned to see her wallet. At first she thought "oh nice she got the same wallet"- innocent assumption.

She opened it and saw her cards and sisters pic. She put it in her jacket and asked her friend "have you seen my wallet"? She said "no". Daughter said "well why was THIS in YOUR backpack?

On Sunday they were out together with friends and daughter was mentioning how she's disappointed that she lost her wallet. The girl said "I hope you find it". This tidbit of info is relevant because my daughter called her yesterday to confront her and the girl claims she found it in a lost and found bin on Friday - she claims she has a witness.

If she found it on Friday and clearly knows my daughter is missing the wallet - wouldn't the friend be anxious to return it as soon as she found it. If she found it on Friday - why not give it to her on Friday or at least tell her on Sunday when the convo came up. My daughter is also missing a nice ring too. This is a sad situation because this is my daughters best friend. I don't see any reasonable explanation, other than she's a thief.

Wow that is sad the person you love and trust going do something like this thats not cool .Then she have the nerves to have the wallet with her .Do your daughter have the money or is it gone?Thats not a friend it makes me mad of how someone can do a person like this huggs sorry what happened to your daughter

[lonegael]

Sometimes kids have a hard time with impulses too. In this case it sounds like this kid's weak point is nice things. i couls see remembering that one can share fun experiences with her, but just not exposing her to to temptation. Think ofit, in a way, as a weak point, you don't eat peanuts in front of a kid with a peanut allergy, so you don't leave things that are eye catching and/or of value around this kid.

I had a friend that i had a good time with for many years, but I had to learn early on that if the firendship was to continue, I had to learn not to entrust her with secrets that were too intimate or "heavy". She couldn't bear the responsibility. I learnedto see it that way after I realized it wasn't so much malicousness that made her repeat them further, but just the fact that she coulds bear to be alone with them. Not great trust in some ways, but could, and would still, trust her with my life, just not a juicy secret HUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSS! It sounds like you have a mature and strong daughter.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by kikki27

Wow that is sad the person you love and trust going do something like this thats not cool .Then she have the nerves to have the wallet with her .Do your daughter have the money or is it gone?Thats not a friend it makes me mad of how someone can do a person like this huggs sorry what happened to your daughter

Thanks for mentioning this point about the money. When my daughter found the wallet, the money was gone. My husband and I discussed how to approach this issue - we all decided not to make the focus on the money. The reason being, the girl would use this as a way out and yes she tried twice to say "I'll just replace the money" with no admission of guilt or wrong doing. When my daughter talked to her last night - she said "it's not the money that's the issue..... it's the 'principle'". So we're not asking for the money back.

I think there are different types of stealers. This girl doesn't really want for anything - she has clothes with tags in her closet, some money in her own account. Her uncle is very rich and gave her $700 designer glasses and a Gucci purse. I think even if a person has possessions they still want more. Her parents are very strict and I think her/sblings lie often, so they won't get in trouble.

I remember once, there was a member of parliment in our government - he was at a jewelery store grand opening, looking at rings. He ended up putting one in his pocket, but he was caught. He had the money to buy the ring, but he just couldn't control the urge to steal.

[KathyM]

Hi Lynn - you have an awesome daughter. I wonder where she gets it from?

It would be nice if this could be a turning point for your daughter's friend. Stealing from your best friend is about as low as it gets at that age. Where the friendship goes from here is up to them, but your daughter will have to keep one eye open at all times around her. If the girl comes to your home, maybe you should invest in a security wand to wave over her before she leaves.

[lynn P.]

Thanks for the compliment ((KathyM)). Funny comment about the security wand before she leaves lol. If she does come over, I'll be sure and put my purse in a safe place. I hope the girl learns from this and I know my daughter has. If the friendship contiunues, I suspect it may end up being a little different.

I'm still scratching my head and wondering "what the heck was going through her mind". She sits right next to her and shares a locker - my daughters wallet was there the whole time. The girl is smart but she definitely wasn't using her noggin in this case. The girl also knows my daughter is nice but she's capable of handling herself in tough situations - again I don't know what she was thinking.

[notz]

The behavior speaks to something deeper? At her age, a cry for attention in some way?

I know as a child (and teenager), I was so hungry for attention I would use most any means possible, even risking the effect of negative ones. On a subconscious level, I believe I knew the risk was there, but missed calculating the outcomes. My needs outweighed the risk and I wouldn't or couldn't reckon a far reaching outcome. JME

[RomanSunburn]

I agree that it was probably a cry for attention/help or something along those lines on the part of the best friend. She could also be searching for limits/boundaries/attention that she doesn't get from her parents. It kind of sounds like the adults in her life are there monetarily, but maybe not necessarily emotionally.

I want to say I'm VERY impressed with how your daughter handled the situation. On the one hand, I'm not too too surprised, cause you seem like a great mom. But on the other, it takes a very brave girl to stand up to her best friend. I'm honestly not sure I could have done that at that age. Kudos to her; I hope I can raise a child as well as you have done.

[lynn P.]

Thank you Notz and RomanSunburn and thank you for the compliment RS. Yes, so far both my girls are turning out to be strong yet compassionate girls. I think you're both right about this girl. She comes from a very strict family with an older brother and a younger brother. She wouldn't be allowed to socialize with boys anytime soon, but the brothers threaten to tell lies on her, if she doesn't give them candy. The parents seem to always believe the boys. So there's lack of trust and back stabbing in the family.

Last week the girl was upset because the father was threatening to pack his bags and leave - the mom and boys were out and he was carrying on in front of the daughter. So you're both right - I think this indicates exactly what you said - she gets support monetarily but not emotionally. For now, everything is calmed down and my daughter agreed to forgive her.

[AAAAA]

I am truly sorry that your daughter is learning so early about the dark side of human nature at such an early age, but there is something bothering me here.

May I ask how you are dealing with the fact that your daughter went into this girl's backpack without permission? In this case the girl did take her property, but what if she had not? Did she only look in this specific girl's backpack or did she look through others? Did she suspect this girl of being the thief?

In my opinion the end does not justify the means. It would indeed be very rare that a good friend of your daughter's would have purchased the same wallet without mentioning it to her, but what if she had and the teacher had walked in while your daughter was in someone else's backpack with their wallet in her hand? It is very possible she would have been labled the thief.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I am truly sorry that your daughter is learning so early about the dark side of human nature at such an early age, but there is something bothering me here.

May I ask how you are dealing with the fact that your daughter went into this girl's backpack without permission? In this case the girl did take her property, but what if she had not? Did she only look in this specific girl's backpack or did she look through others? Did she suspect this girl of being the thief?

In my opinion the end does not justify the means. It would indeed be very rare that a good friend of your daughter's would have purchased the same wallet without mentioning it to her, but what if she had and the teacher had walked in while your daughter was in someone else's backpack with their wallet in her hand? It is very possible she would have been labled the thief.

I respect you for making this point AAAAA. I think my daughter was starting to suspect this friend after the eye liner mystery. The girls school bag isn't like a regular zippered backpack - it's one of those square bags similar to a re-usable shopping bag. When my daughter went in the class to get something, someone must have knocked her bag, because the wallet was clearly visible. So yes she took a chance and opened it, to see it was hers - it was right in front of her. The girl violated my daughters property by taking it.

The girl tried to use this as a defense - you went in my private property - but my daughter said "I retrieved 'my private' property that you had in your possession, that was visible to my eye". Normally my daughter wouldn't go through backpacks but it was gnawing at her, how her things were disappearing.

Even after my daughter confronted her, she bold faced tried to say she didn't do anything wrong. If my daughter told her, I think you have my wallet in your back pack, I know she would never in a million years admit it. Thieves don't follow rules and sometimes we have to fight fire with fire. She treats people fairly but if they don't treat her fairly, the gloves are off - that's the way society is now. If she didn't do that, she never would have got it back.

[AAAAA]

This truly is a difficult situation. I may verbalize this poorly, so bear with me.

It is so important to me that my children (all of us really) are accountable for their own behavior. I would be very disappointed if one would behave questionably as a reaction to someone elses bad behavior. Two wrongs do not make a right. However morals are subjective in my opinion.

For example I do not believe in fighting. When my eldest was in the third grade I was called to the school because my son was involved in a fight. This was very out of character for him. When I questioned him I discovered he jumped in to defend a smaller friend being attacked by three older, bigger boys. As anti-violence as I am, I could not fault him for this.

[(JD)]

Ok, here's my 2 cents worth (well, you'd pay more if I still had my office )

Your daughter--or you if she doesn't--needs to ask for a different locker friend, or better yet, ask to have a locker without this other person (you know, kick her out, because she's the one who is taking things.)

Ok, so your daughter doesn't take anything of value to school. You think that will stop this "shoplifting" spirit of the other girl? What if she begins to forget her books and "borrows" one of your daughter's? What if she begins to store things she takes from other people in the same locker...what if she then blames your daughter??? And even if she is caught, your daughter can be held responsible for not telling about her...and be considered an accessory. This is serious, and it needs to be stopped now, imo.

The other girl might be having real problems at home and does this acting out to try and cope.

After seeing all the horrible horror stories of what schools are doing to "discipline" their students, it's dog eat dog out there!