[Evening]

So a friend of mine dragged me out to do some midnight shopping for this big toy sale tonight, and now Im lying on the seat outside the store at nearly 2am waiting for her to come back from lay-by. And I thought while Im doing that Id have a bit of a rant! I could not have made it any more clear how NOT interested I am, and how tired I am. And seeing all this crap shes getting for her daughter is making me feel awful because it is triggering memories of my childhood and how little I got. Her daughter is a brat Ill say that much, and no wonder, you name it she has it. Growing up watching my cousins get 20 or 30 things (each), while I got one or 2, its hitting a bit of a nerve right now. My friend pulled out the 'Ive had a really bad day' line after I spent 20 minutes saying no. So here I now am. I just want to go to bed!

[phoenix7]

im sorry ((((evening)))) why do we do that? let ourselves get dragged along doing things we hate... sigh.

I hope you get home soon to get some sleep

My sister used to do that to me al the time...then i slowly learnt how to put my foot down - it caused problems of course - where was the good old reliable do anythign for anyone anytime person she used...oops i mean knew it takes a lot of practice.... somtimes you ahve to learn to put YOU first.

take care

P7

[Evening]

Thanks, I'm home now, and 5 minutes after she dropped me home she called me AGAIN to talk to her until she got home. I feel bad to get overly nasty about it (which to get it through her head you really have to do, she doesn't quite get what 'I'm f****** tired, I want to go home, I don't give a s*** about toy shopping, don't invite me again' means.
She got $1,000 worth of toys for her 5 year old daughter for christmas, some of which will be bought by other relatives to give to her. When I was a kid I was lucky to one tenth of that, and then had to sit and watch my cousins get presents from their mother, their father, our grandparents and their other grandparents. I didn't know my fathers side of the family, my mother spent most of her money on alcohol, my grandparents had to buy presents for 10 other people too, and my aunties decided not to buy presents for the kids over 13, me being the oldest by 2 years.
Yes I'm in my 20's and don't need toys, but even now I rarely get anything for my birthday or christmas, and christmas and birthdays to me are literally nothing more than still feeling like I am worthless. A symptom of neglect I guess.
I was soooooooooo tired, I told her I was tired before she even came to my house, she will NOT take no for an answer, so she came to my house for 2 hours to help her look through catalogs of toys, then we went shopping for an hour and a half, then we stood around for lay-by for half an hour, then 5 minutes after I get home I get a phone call of 'are you in bed yet? I thought you were going to bed as soon as you got inside, well you can stay on the phone to me then until I get home while you get yourself your drink and stuff' (because I dared to need to take my shoes off and get a drink before going to bed). Yes she was joking around, but she has called me about 4 times today and I am NOT in the mood. AND she will call me tomorrow too.

She has been bullied a lot growing up (I know because we went to school together), and she has a bad reputation for being feral and disgusting and willing to sleep around, so for me to turn around and say back off is hard. I do like her, I just don't need to be called every night (and sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day) to talk about crap that could put anyone to sleep. And she always calls late, 11pm, 12am, to talk for an hour, even if I say I'm in bed about to go to sleep.

Now that I'm saying all this I sound like a complete doormat.

[phoenix7]

no, not a doormat.. a human being she is using your kindess to get what she needs - well i suppose good on her for gettingher needs met - but you have to start thinking about yours -

next time she rings late just say you are in bed - see if that puts her off - when i was a kid we didnt have much ..sigh...$1000 of toys ? lucky her i guess - but not really cos she isnt being taught the meaning of things and the wroth of things i guess

as to the fact that you didnt get toys = you are worthless....no it just means you were around people who were either too damaged or too stupid to see what it meant to you - the word "caregiver" and "parent " really should come wiht a licence or a test ....

at least you have one wonderful gift that comes in thousands of parts - PC and all of us here

gives you a hug if ok

get some sleep and try to take care of you ok

P7

[Evening]

Oh I do tell her in bed, I've done that a number of times, she doesn't care at all. She basically has this 'oh well, you can talk to me now!' attitude. She seems to be joking, but I don't think she realises how annoying it is. When we were in highschool nobody wanted to hang out with her and they'd always tell her to go away whenever she hung around (because she was afraid to be alone because people were so mean to her), and she would say no. No matter how cruel people were and no matter how many times people told her to go away she would say no. So I don't think she quite gets what 'leave me alone' means, no matter how nice or mean you put it.
So yes I've made it pretty clear when I'm not interested in talking, especially when I am literally lying in bed going to sleep in the middle of the night, but she still won't leave me alone.

[Flooded]

omg how irritating!!!! Reading that I was thinking fark off and leave the poor girl alooooone!

Maybe you need to ignore the phone.

[Evening]

Done that too, and then when I do eventually answer she asks me why I didn't answer it the other day. Because I was ignoring you...

[Flooded]

Oh dear. Not too bright..

[Fresia]

I wish she understood her behavior and how it is affecting your relationship. I can relate to how frustrating this is when someone does not listen or pay attention to what you are trying to tell them. I had a friend who did similar things and it got to the point that at night, I honestly had to turn the ringer off and let it go to voicemail/machine. When she asked why I did not answer, I explained that I HAVE to get some rest that she could call me during the day and I would call her but earlier in the day. She finally got the message that I could have the phone on again, took a week or so, and it was a week of rest and solitude I desperately needed. I could function again. I did make a point to call but on better terms, so also I was not blowing her off but did not have to talk constantly. It made for better boundaries in the relationship.

[phoenix7]

my sister has a similar prob wiht her ex -he seems to hav the attitude im awaka and wan to talk so whats your problem? sigh

and i have done the same wiht my sister cos she drinks when she gets home and then rings me - so i have let it go to the answering machine and then called her back the next day saying i dont take calls after 8pm unless its an emergency - i know that sounds harsh -but she would ring and pick a fight and thenshe would forget about it and be fine the next day while i was still torn up about it an had prob cried ...

sometimes its hard but an answering machine is the only answer

[Evening]

I only have a mobile, the issue with turning my phone off is I miss every other phone call too, and I sometimes need the alarm. I dont understand the logic in thinking its okay to disregard the statement of 'Im in bed about to go to sleep' to have an hour long conversation like those words never came out of my mouth. And to call me at 2.30am, 5 minutes after dropping me home from shopping for $1000 worth of toys after I told you I was not interested in doing so, just to keep you company while you drive home. When I said I was REALLY tired and going straight to bed! God what the hell am I doing? Next time I am laying down the law with her, she really pushed her luck last night.

[Fresia]

Good for you!! Screen the calls then if you can't turn the phone off, don't answer except during appropriate times, and keep your boundaries in place for what you need. She will figure it out in time with consistency. I'm sorry she did not hear you about what you told her and for what you tried to tell her when you didn't want to do something. This can change if you put your foot down so to speak. It's important that things are not just one sided and although she may want your company, not at the expense of upsettting you and ignoring your wishes as well. Stick to your guns, stay consistent, and things WILL change. Sending some strength and patience in the interim. ((((Evening)))).