Checking in ( How do you feel today)?

I'm feeling okay, just a little scared.

blah........ but keep trying to blah

Bored, so bored.

I am bored too, Denis

Less horrible than before

Don't know how I feel today. I need a cheat sheet--one of those list of feelings. My nose is cold--is that a good thing?

Awake....

i am ok. i have not been up that long... i feel better than I did Thursday and the days before.. I do notice that at times I am still talking to myself but it is better self talk than it was last week.... I know I don't roll in moneys but I am glad I took off Friday...... I keep getting mixed days with moods though-- i.e. yesterday I was so sad, and tried to be happy but yet-- I did get happier when I tried to crochet- and I did Not tear apart what I attempted to do- I kept it together and am using it as a doily .....

I know that I use "symbolic things" a lot- I am not sure why, guess I am just an odd one like that- but it is like, I don't know what I made, I tried very hard and much time with it, it may not be what I wanted to make (a hat and turned to a doily thing) and it may not be perfect but it is still pretty and some thing that can be used.
I must still have my brother on my mind--- cuz i took this and related it to my current situation (as well as other issues), it is not perfect but it is some thing.....

i admitted to my S/O that i had a lot of pain with this due to our childhoods and them reliving the past in the now, and that I wish I could help to pull him up and take away his pain--- my S/O right now is like everyone else and as I stand-- I can't pull up and help someone that just wants to pull me down..... and does not want to help themselves... it hurts me on different levels but I am letting the pain pass as best as it can- I know some of it may never leave but i need to try for my sakes to let some of it pass or dim.. sometimes I feel cruel for thinking of myself here, but i have to as everyone does at some point or another.

will try to have a happy day-- yesterday was really mixed, i wanted to go out but yet once i was out- i did not want to be out and wanted to go home...... will try to be better as a society member at a store

Overwhelmed

I feel overwhelmed, too. Couldn't drag myself out of bed 'til 11:00 am. Now I'm anxious because I have so much to do and am getting such a late start on the day.

Cold dizzy and scared..stuck. Hope the anxiety goes away soon and I can return home

Fine.....

I feel like I'm on a treadmill, sometimes. Sometimes I fall off other times I am maintaining the pace. It varies throughout the day. If I do something positive, I have difficulty anticipating something else because I isolate myself too much. I find I miss the nonverbal communication when two people talk.

We had a memorial service after church today, a cousin of my mother's. His daughters brought the ashes and were wanting to reconnect with the rest of the family "back home" here. It was a very nice experience although it was raining thoughtout the graveside service. His daughters are a delight and I have a glimpse I think of what made him a favorite cousin of Mom's. Mixed but mostly positive today.

Today has been pretty good. Feeling a bit stressed right now, but I realize its just petty crap and I'm taking a walk to calm down; it doesn't deserve a blown up responce. Trying my best to just leave it alone and go about what I need to do tonight. Have a lot of things to get accomplished before bed because I have to work at 6 in the morning tomorrow. I just need to focus on myself tonight and not let the petty drama get to me.

...some better today, more connected.

Trying to keep my mind occupied, Mums funeral tomorrow and no doubt will be a very sad day

Lots of hugs and tender thoughts to you and family, Tink.

Like I'm drowning is frickin' estrogen. -_- I hate chicks; I hate drama. I'm living with four other women and I come home from work and litterally start counting the hours until I go back. I just want the drama at home to go the hell away. But it seems like everything I do gets twisted and turned into something b1tchy. I'm just gonna try and walk on egg shells all day tomorrow, she if that helps at all. I'm gonna try a new menthod everyday until I find a way to try and make the house peaceful...

ok, ok... I have been feeling odd my day today--
i felt good for finishing my hat after i woke up a little today, awesome right?,
But I kept dizzy as I was last week - this time when thinking on getting to work and all... My S/O was all anxious right before I left for work which did not help me any but that is not his fault he had a lot of energy and I did well with reminding myself that he was just excited to be home and to see me for a minute and not excited for me to leave
But--- I ended up hitting the apt. property garage on my way out to work today it was like a 1 mile per hour bump and no damage any where but still-- and still I told myself- I am ok it was a little bump whatever (felt like I was lying to myself). it still bothers me due to I don't usually back up into things.... I get to work and just really unclear with everything that is going on at work, I do manage to figure it out as usual-- the thing is, that gets me mad, is that these people state confusing "facts" in their logs, and I am starting to think it is on purpose, that is not the only annoying thing but the more annoying thing is that-- then they do nothing about the problem and do not mention it to the next shift at all... so then I come in and figure it out with extra information and investigating and end up having to do a lot more than what the others do just because of lack of communication or they just want to trip everyone up for some reason-- I took off friday right, well monday night I am cleaning up things that should had and could had been done by every single person that worked Friday night to Monday morning... I am frustrated again with my job.. the people. and Keep saying-- relax, it is just a job--- I realize I have too much anxiety when it comes to "potentially getting yelled at" it is due to it is, how it is here. I don't get good job by doing this, only if I had not done it I would yelled at because no one else did it... >.<
Also My S/O tid bit complained that I did not have a car as well, -- Oh, well that is another story-- He told me Saturday, he does not want us now (after we talked and agreed on last week up to Friday, to go look at them and possibly get one with high expectations) but he tells me the other day that he wants to wait.... but yet just a few hours ago he is complaining a little bit by saying "how much easier a lot would be if we had 2 cars"..... needles to say I am a little confused and a little upset with this as well-- be sure to be a thing to talk about...

any ways-- that is my rant right now. i don't want to be at work... Not only that but "the new procedure" **** is up again when really it is not a new procedure and ya know what- read last weeks entries and you would see that I was already doing this **** as per instructed-- This work place is unstructured ---

I wish I did not FALL APART when a bump comes-- I.e. I was looking for work then my brother **** came up and I can't just continue on as I do, I ****ing have to stop my world to fix an unfixable problem and to take a month to ****ing get over it. *ha ha ha, i give myself too much credit- I am not over it, it has just dimmed down enough for me to see again...
I am angry with myself for not being able to carry on when a bump comes

Another night of insomnia. One of the reasons for the lack of sleep is that I am hungry. I had a healthy sized dinner and was hoping it would keep me for the night but it has not.

My streak of bad luck continues. Got a second flat tire in a month while riding my bike last night. Will take it to the shop today for repair. This is a bad flat and I may have to replace the tire as well as the inner tube.

Also, mom let me down big time yesterday. She backed out on a promise. That's one of my biggest issues is that my mother has often been cruel and neglectful towards me. People just say that I should just accept that I am not her favorite child and deal with it. But, it's mean and hurtful and has damaged me in so many profound ways. She is my mother but I hope she burns in hell because she is mean.

((((Unhappy)))) i hear you about your mother letting you down by breaking her word...it hurts. A lot. Especially when we are really suffering or down. My father has done that to me at my absolute lowest point ever and then later said he didnt remember. It killed me. My brother also did it to me a couple of times...it is awful! You get your hopes up and then they just totally back out leaving you feel worse than before. It is very cruel.

I am really sorry this happened to you, too.

Hugs to you
Rose

I feel crappy have the flu for the past 2 days and to top it off ive been sleeping on the couch in the living room so i dont get my husband and lil son sick All i WANT IS TO SLEEP ON MY COMFY BEDDDD thanks for letting me vent

Still feeling very depressed, and couldn't get out of bed again until 10. I have GOT to start getting up earlier or else I will start to fall behind on work again!!!

Not fabulous