Daily Comments #7- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

I like that spondi!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mom's here on PC!

Is there anything I can succeed at?! 62% success rate on chess at level 4. What an idiot I am.

My friend introduced to the game Candy Crush. It reminds me of Swap a Smiley.

Just a little under a month before I hit the 90 day mark at the new job. Feeling pretty good about it. I think I'll hang here for awhile.....can't wait for therapy and summer classes to start

I just want to cry. But I have taught and was told not to and mind blocked it so much since I was young that its really hard to do. My whole body physically hurts to cry. But I just lost a friend. I wasn't close but he died at 28 to cancer. And with everything else going on, I just don't know how much longer I can put this mask on each day. Even my boyfriend of three years, my family, my brothers whom I am extremely close to know the extent of how much I hold back. Every task everyday is daunting. I tried getting help but financial couldn't keep up with the psychiatrist, I tried pills but nothing work. I think I have so mentally blocked for so long that nothing will ever help. Most days I have hope that I can work on myself, but days like today I feel as if the only emotions I will continue to feel are sadness and anger. I can't even talk to my few close friends and have a hard time talking to family cause I hate whining likes this, a cry baby when there are others so much worse than I. I just need to suck it up, build another wall.

I am feeling a deep sense of regret and pain over my poor decision to split from my wife.
If I was whereI am now back in August I know I would have stuck it out.
I don't know how I convinced myself that my wife and daughter didnt want me around and didnt need me...but I did!
Now I would rather work it out than divorce but I fear that my ex has had enough of me and my issues.
And my daughter loves me so much...I can't bear the hurt that I am sure I caused her.
I am an emotional wreck.

Boots. Cycleboots. Too tight. Thrift store, un-used.

15$??! Yes! Nooo. Maybe! Bought 'em.

Kitchen sink. Hmm...dishes...later...

Hot water...HOT.

Filled Boots. Wandered off...To find double heavy wool socks.

Squeezegruntwigglewrigglecussstomp.

Noon. Monday.

Awoke on couch.

Shivering.

If these boots are not stretched...

Then this experiment has accomplished at least one thing.

Arthritic toes a few years earlier than expected.

They'll be dry enough to remove sometime this evening.

15$!!!

The lad is mad.

Perhaps July is the better month.

For buying trying and ultimately wailing

the ballad of

Them 15 Dollar Boots.
********

*grin*.....shivering

Most here know, I'm anxious to get out of a miserable marriage. After a mid week blowup, I had to talk him down like a hostage negotiator does. Yesterday was Mothers Day and to be realistic I didn't have any expectations ...was thrilled with 2 homemade cards and a handmade gift from my youngest. I'm not like most mothers, who would get pampered and taken out for brunch or dinner. I was living in the moment and trying to be peaceful.

My husband has for the last 15 yrs bought his own mothers day card for me from him and the kids, even if they make a card. I wasn't expecting a card from him under the circumstances, so I was cool with that. We have dinner and my girls get their cards and home made gift. As I'm marveling at the beauty and sentiment of the cards, he looks like he's sulking. They also handed me a gift card from him. He precedes to ask my oldest - "I thought you were going to let me sign the card or get me a card to give your mom." He's a grown man and has bought me a mothers day card since my 1st mothers day and now he's shifting it? ....making it my oldests fault. Did he think I should drive my kids to get him a mothers day card for me. Its pathetically funny.

This is so typical of self centered narcissist. I was perfectly fine with him not getting me a card. I finally said during what should have been my special moment of getting these beautiful handmade cards and gift...... "since when is it their job to worry about you having a card and I'm okay with you not giving me one anyways." The childishness is unbelievable!!!!

Lynn, I am very happy for you for what your girls did for you. They obviously love you lots.

Some days I really wish I had the ability to sleep it all away.
For whatever reason (hypo or something else) I just cannot.
I think I may have a cocktail or 3 and see if that helps me sleep...but I cannot do that for a few more days...too much else going on currently...no time for even 1 drink.

my pdoc concluded that antidepressants is not going to work for me and he's reluctant to make a switch because im really sensitive to the side effects.

despite concluding that, he's still putting me on the same antidepressant which rly makes everything hopeless right now because if it doesn't work i'd rather taper off it.. than pay such a huge amount of money on something that gives no benefit whatsoever.

i wanna cry. everything seems so bleak right now. i've never truly experienced happiness... and i keep wondering, is recovery in for me? i always wished that my sadness is due to some simple things like break ups but nope the sadness comes without any reason whatsoever.

my full time job is recovery, always will be. i hate it.

Why is socializing so hard?

My problems are not knowing when to stop talking about a subject and asking way too many questions. This is even evident in my posts.

I miss the 1960's. They were far from perfect but there was still an expectation that things would change for the better.

Beatniks
Hippies
L7-square
Laugh in
Bug's
Flower power
Woodstock
Peace
Rock'n'roll
Beatles

I have one more final exam tomorrow yet I can't study and all I want to do is sleep.

Ugh I'm so going to fail.

I am sleep deprived and nervous about what I am going to F'up next.
I NEED some sleep but still have so many responsibilities and it's really freaking me out.
I have to fight thru this and step up and knock one out of the park.
But I don't even have the desire to pick up the bat, let alone swing (and surely miss!)
But I MUST......oh Lord I do so despise when I get like this.

This textbook I need for a fall class is $210.00 brand new and the used prices range from 120 to 190.....ridiculous!!!!

Happy that I made it thru whatever funk the sleep deprivation put me in...I really hate it when I am like that....my insides just ache when I feel that way.
I am cautiously optimistic that things are going to go well over the next few days but we will see.

i feel super lost right now... what do i want in treatment? to say recover is broad.. it's just really draining to say "to recover."

i guess i've been feeling even more lost when my pdoc says to me "a/d's is not going to work much for you." he's leaving next month and his replacement will be a temp fix and i don't know how to embrace this change... and reopen my heart bare to another stranger when i had my trust broken again and again by professionals.

*sigh*

I wish I knew what decisions to make. I feel like, with every decision, instead of getting easier and clearer, it just gets more complicated and confusing. I know there's no 'right' and 'wrong', there are only actions and consequences. I just keep feeling like I AM making the wrong decisions. I want to get over this.

"The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything."
Theodore Roosevelt

Hang in there Spondiferous! I can relate to what you are saying. I feel like all I do is make the wrong decisions as well. But I figure as long as I am doing the best I can, no one can say I didn't do anything!

My daugheter told me a joke that I thought was really cute and made me laugh.
"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"
"To get to the other slide"

I love that child so very very much!

Can't believe I did this.. 10PM this evening, renter came downstairs to eat. So I ask him on the days he doesn't work, "like today", could he please grab his dinner "whatever I have cooked for the day" before 9PM. He s said sure...No problem..

SO at 1AM, he comes downstairs and grabs leftovers to nuke.. First, he has to pass my bedroom door to get to the kitchen. Second, anyone, anytime of the day, that someone ventures downstairs, my dog barks. Which means, he woke me, or rather my dog woke me because he was barking because the renter came downstairs to eat which means I was not a happy camper.

So I guess you could say I confronted him. He ignored me and put the dish in the microwave. Because he ignored me I got more angry. Well I got pissed, grabbed the bowl, "which was leftovers that I cooked earlier" stuck my hand in the b owl and squeezed the food and then told him to go ahead and eat ..

I can't believe I did that. Looks like I have a temper.. Was no reason for me to do that. Guess being wakened at 1am isn't a good thing for me..

I should be embarrassed to even mention that I did this. Guess I should be embarrassed, looks like I'm not........

When I was a "renter" I had to "toe the line".... With no exceptions or excuses or whatever. These folks AJ rents to pretty much do whatever they want.. They only care about "their rights"... Sorta, I guess, renter does wash his own dishes and I doubt he will venture downstairs, drunk, 1am to cook....well after tonight anyway..

Here it is 3:30 am and I am still fuming.. Thinks I need to get some sleep.. yawns