[JustAPixie]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and leg hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, we're short staffed and I really, really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and ask her to have sex with me. That makes everything better and then I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon....You got nice house."

[JustAPixie]

Dear Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs* phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my BMW R1200 GS motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

[JustAPixie]

Mid life crisis

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and

said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,

slept on a Sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I

got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.


Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you

are not holding up your side of things."


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a

Hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again

be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a

sofa bed and watching a black and white TV.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your

mid-life crisis...

[JustAPixie]

I think you've read this one before...

Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and rump. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said, "Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?" Paddy said, "Why are ye accusin' me of such a thing?" Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."

[JustAPixie]

South African government...

President Mbeki meets with the Queen of England. He asks her,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there
any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Mbeki frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask
them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back in Cape town, President Mbeki asks to speak with vice
president Zuma. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Zuma. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Zuma goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into Evita Bezuidenhuit. Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear them whisper,
"Evita! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Evita whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Zuma smiles and says "Thanks!"
Zuma goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Mbeki. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Evita Bezuidenhout."
Mbeki gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

[Bethsway]

Thank you so much for the laughs...they were great!!!

[JustAPixie]

New Working Policy

Effective from JANUARY 2007



Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday SOMETIMES .


Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your Second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

[JustAPixie]

Aero truisms

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.


When a flight is proceeding incredibly well something was forgotten.


A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)


Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil....For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan)


Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

[JustAPixie]

Killer Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over

Here and help me.I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how

To get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's

A rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the

table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.

Let's have A nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh,

"Let's put these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[January]

ROFL!!!!!!

[bflatgary]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

[SeptemberMorn]

[SeptemberMorn]

OOOOOOPS!!!

[bipolar_bear]

Oh I so needed a thread like this. Thanks for all the laughs.

[JustAPixie]

OMG gary! That's hilarious!