The Blue Nebula Cantina

Don't feel bad, I am anything but succinct. I'm working on it.

I feel you in regards to missing your friend. It is nice to share the same wavelength even if we know it can cause harm. You're wise for keeping your distance, but I can see why you would miss what you had with him.

A gift for envisioning the impossible... Well on the one hand that could infect the collective with a host of possibilities that would just confuse us. On the other hand, it's the stuff of superheroes. We need to get out of the box we believe ourselves to be trapped in.

Yeah...I keep my distance, all right...I've learned to keep my distance so well that I have become an island. I've never found that same rapport with anyone else. I've never had that level of friendship with anyone else. And from everything I can observe, such friendships are fairly common; that easy friendliness that comes to others eludes me. Instead, I find myself looking at others as though they are completely alien to me. I don't understand how everyone else finds it so easy to find common interests and topics to discuss. I often merely lapse into silence as nothing discussed interests me. I feel absolutely nothing towards these so-called friends irl, and as a result, I have simply stopped communicating with them and good riddance. If I am of so little interest that they never even call, then that says everything I need to know right there.

That I see such common friendliness and shared interests in others, and yet lacking in myself, only further compounds the issue, and enrages the wolf because that logically suggests that the lack is entirely within myself, and yet, I am at a loss to say what that lack is beyond a lack of desire to deal with others whose interests and mine really don't align. I've tried Saabs. I've tried cars. Engines. Mechanics. I've tried gaming. I've tried poetry. Music. Education. Food. Wrote a book that never sold. You name it, I've tried it. Everything I try is either too little or too late, or it just doesn't hold my interest because as soon as I get interested in something, everyone else's wanes.. So very little interests me anymore that it should be no surprise that I find others completely uninteresting, and I blame only myself for having lived on the fringe of existence for so long that I cannot return to the center.

When I need someone, I can be sure there will be no one there; that is the lesson the Pattern has driven into me. Some lines, once crossed, cannot be so easily recrossed, if at all. I will always blame myself because it's my reality, my life. Who else am I supposed to blame? I am the cause of, but not solution to, all of my problems in one form or another, whether directly or indirectly is academic. So I guess it should be no surprise, then, how quickly that rage against self can flare up.

I can no longer afford to get high, and sobriety just makes things worse; now, I have nothing to distract me from living a dead-end life that cannot end well by virtue of all that came before. There are consequences to our actions; I only wish the consequences had been severe enough to merit capital punishment. What would I have missed, really? Ten or fifteen years of cultural wasteland and failed efforts? And before you tell me that things will change, let me ask you this. The last time you picked up a ballpoint pen, and started writing, did it change color mid sentence? No? Then why should I expect anything to be different in my life? There are no outside factors remaining that can influence what is a train-wreck life that hasn't yet finished wrecking. I mean, Jesus, I am so wrecked as it stands that I bleed it out everywhere in an endless self-flagellant fury. Just look at this thread...smh...makes me want to smash myself and yell WTF is wrong with you?! I don't know how to deal with it anymore, and I'm tired of trying. I long ago realized that I cannot be left alone to the tender mercies of my psyche. You may call it co-dependency, but what difference does it make? I find my greatest enjoyment in the dedication of myself to someone else; that I have found none worthy is not enough for me give up the negative aspects of such pathology simply because what else is there? Solitude? That is worse by far because I am already degenerating from isolation and somehow, more isolation is supposed to help me? That it is highly likely at this point that I will never be able to satisfy that co-dependent itch only makes my rancor and hatred grow, and increases the likelihood of self-harm or self-destruction because again, who else am I going to blame? Is it your fault I am this way? Of course not. I would be even more hurt to think that someone else would think that my self-harming was because of them, and even more so (and more likely to result in self-harm) if it was because I really did hurt someone else through word or deed. If someone is inadvertently hurt by me, I take that very personally and carry it with me for years. I have no problem dredging it up to use as a cudgel, mentally and physically when necessary. I remember every single misdeed I've ever done. I can recount them one by one. I have no problem blaming myself when others hurt me; do I not deserve it for something I've done? Surely, I tell myself, this is just Karma for x or y misdeed. I usually shrug and acknowledge that I most likely deserved it, and then try to move on.

The danger (and reason I really do require someone to be there, and exactly why the Pattern will never provide it) is simply because the angrier I get, the more likely that impulsivity is liable to come out in the form of smashing myself in the face. So now you see, perhaps? It is a cycle of my own making, crafted so cunningly and intricately like a Chinese finger trap that it cannot be escaped from the inside. And so...I sit and wait for a day that never comes with hope laying dead in my hands, staining my fingers like a memory I can't be rid of.

You are very well written. I can say that with certainty. What a beautiful gift.

I had to sleep on how to respond, but this came to me and it is my intuituve response. I do not seek to win a battle of analytical intelligence. This is a heart based reply and I'm just going to let it flow as it will, ok?

These are very deep waters to navigate and I must be honest and say I have never felt as you have. I would be lying to say I could read this without feeling pain. It does hurt, but it does not extinguish my ability to see alternate outcomes for you. My hope is still alive. What do you make of that?

There is one aspect of creation I have witnessed time and time again. It is true on a macro and micro level. It is true within nature. It is true within my own body. That truth is that everything consists of teams.

There is no alone. There is only all one. No matter how you break things down, what one does affects the all and what the all does affects the one. The universe is a team. The solar system is a team. The life within your own backyard works as a team. Your family, no matter how dysfunctional and separated is a team. You yourself are a team. Everything you're entangled with is a team.

Your body breaks down into various systems that all work together. Your organs combine. It is apparent on a physical level. However, it is true on a metaphysical level as well. Your conscious and subconscious mind is a team. If you are a Jung fan you know you carry various personas that combine to make the Self even if one is dominant at the moment or if you have dissociated from your other selves. You also know consciousness is a collective.

Therefore, I see a few options. You're in a prison of your own mind. You can see how you've made it and you beleive you can see no viable routes to unmake it. You can carry that belief through to it's fruition. It is a sad and lonely path, but the only one if the choice is already made. Your mind is strong and a force that will hold onto that anchor inevitably if that is your will. That's option 1.

Now you know I cannot give you the answers to the other options, only a light in the dark perhaps. As you pointed out, your fingers are the ones in the trap. I cannot free you from the outside. Maybe this will be a bunch of crap and yield nothing of value, but perhaps I have earned a moment of your consideration after our brief exchanges? I'm just tossing out food for thought. Take only what resonates.

Option 2 plays upon your own gift you mentioned. You say you have the gift to envision the impossible. Is that not the exact skill set one would need to draw upon to change such a future set in stone? Drop your beliefs for a while and see what you can see. The impossible solution exists. I know you can find it.

Option 3 is to remember the collective. There are literally infinite ways to go about this because again, it's all team based. The creator knows teamwork makes the dream work. So how does one do this? I can only offer things that have served me.

First, I lean on my personas a lot. Child me, mother me, strategist me, sister me, philosophical me, eternally hopeful me. We're all available at any time. I just have to call up the right teammates and blend them to generate a perspective that helps me see the past, let go of it and move forward. Those personas fight a lot, so good facilitation skills as a beneficial tool.

The other option for leveraging the collective that comes to mind is to submit to being where you are and to ask genuinely for help. Ask for mercy. Draw upon the unconditional love that exists within the all. You could do this in a literal and physical sense and drop your expectations for others and just allow them to be with you without them meeting your intellectual needs. Let them fill up your heart and not your mind until a worthy companion surfaces again. Or... You could go metaphysically and ask for support from the subconscious collective. You feel you can see the impossible, but that would only be true if it also existed elsewhere in the creation. Ask for guidance. Open your heart and listen. Drop any notion of form or timetables and see where it leads. Make the intent clear. Analyze your dreams. Look for synchronicities. If life for you works like it does for me the answer will be simple, it will humble you and you will know what it is to be the hanged man and the fool after lightning strikes the tower.

So that's what my heart wanted to say. Again, it may be nothing, but in a quantum world of infinitude I can never believe in only one outcome. It defies all I believe in. In my mind there's always all ways.

And that is not the short and chatty response vibe I was trying to uphold, but I felt you deserved more in this case.

I hesitate to even respond right now because of my frame of mind, but I want you to know I've read it. I've been having a terrible day so far, and it's just a continuation from the previous. So I'll try to keep the rancor out of my tone, but know that it is NOT directed at you or anyone here, only and always inward.

You keep mentioning "teams." In fact, you said, "That truth is that everything consists of teams."

I believe you are misinterpreting the binary nature of the universe and reality itself. Just because there are two poles in everything does not mean that the Pattern will provide an anode to someone who is naturally a cathode.

In fact, I have found that the Pattern, that web of probability that binds everything and everyone, will deliberately alter the circumstances so that the odds necessarily increase as a result. The Pattern is alive and conscious, and is malevolently focused on me. Why? Of course, I hear your objections before you even say them. They are objections I made a long time ago before I accepted the simple reality that in this aeon, in this universe, I am not fated to get ahead. Yet, though you may say such is delusional thinking, what other conclusion am I supposed to draw from the totality of events in my life?

Teams...I will never be a team. The Pattern does not want me to be one. Otherwise, opportunities would have long ago presented themselves that present themselves to everyone else. THAT is how I know the circumstances are being manipulated behind the scenes. You know what kind of random shtako pops up in my life? Crazy people I want nothing to do with. Mayhem. If something is going to go wrong, and you want it to, invite me to show up. My presence alone is enough to warp the Pattern's probabilities, even of others. Weird shtako happens around me. Things break that shouldn't, and computers are especially sensitive to the Pattern. Programs and software begin acting buggy in ways that should be impossible by virtue of the way they are programmed. I constantly find bugs in programs because my Pattern brings them out in the way that a magnet will draw metal filings out of mud. You have to witness it to believe it because you never would otherwise. It is a constant issue since I work around computers all the time.

You scoff. "Psh, he's gone off his rocker." And yet, people that try to interfere in the Pattern's act of my destruction get blowback from unforeseen angles because that is how the Pattern works. And the evidence of experience says that this is not mere delusion. Something else is at play. Always subtle, never obvious or blatant, but just enough for someone who is keeping score to notice. And I notice EVERYTHING.

The problem is, remembering the collective does nothing for me in the moment. And you know not what you are asking of me by asking me to "team with myself" in the way you mentioned that you team with your various personae. I REFUSE to team up with those other personae because those other personae ARE THE CAUSE OF MY PSYCHE'S TOXICITY. And the wolf is becoming more and more "distinct" as the years go by, so I fully expect a psychotic break in the next year or two, if it hasn't already begun happening.

You are asking me to team with evil. There is nothing left inside. I've worn the mask so long that the inner truth has died and rotted away. The only thing that remains in its place is the wolf. How's that for a cinematic metaphor? Just like the Gmork, the Nothing. That is what is inside. The Nothing.

And I can envision the impossible all day long; that gets me nowhere and leaves me feeling worse because I can so vividly visualize the way things are supposed to be, the way things should have been based not on whim and desire, but logical progression of A-to-B-to-C. If THIS had happened, there are only a few possibilities of what would have happened next, and so on. I can run through them all in the blink of an eye. That is how I am able to "feel" the Pattern's contours and get a sense for what the future holds. I can "see" the shape of the probabilities in the theater of my mind's eye.

But I nonetheless appreciate your response, which is clearly thoughtful and thought-out. I must apologize because I want to not find the ways things will not work in any situation, except that I have become adept beyond all reason at finding them. So, I guess that's a superpower. lmao Kind of a rip-off, I gotta tell you...I truly appreciate all the responses, even if I am a flaming bag of hot mess. lol

Yes, a flaming bag of hot mess indeed, but a kind soul with a good heart. Same here. Same for mostly anyone.

The thing about it is... If you truly know everything and can see it all coming then what are we even doing here? How incredibly boring. I observe a lot. I'm professionally trained to do it and did it as a child, but the world surprises the heck out of me on the daily because I can still step out of the director role and step out onto the stage. I can be the audience. I can take a leap and walk with faith. It saddens me that is missing from your experience. Maybe a it won't be a psychotic break. Maybe you'll get a breakthrough

Perhaps you misinterpret my team level analysis. Imgaine your brain, but focused on team dynamics for the past 30 years. Welcome to my brain. Maybe the word team is problematic. Maybe we could agree everything works in systems. It has little to do with the polar nature of things although that is a decent example. Every pole has space in between that is occupied.

You're entangled whether you wish to be or not. You breathe, you interact with a system. You think, you release energy and change the particles around you. You die, you fuel an ongoing system. You either further order any given system or bring it into greater chaos. The laws of physics apply. Even the man who is an island needs the land and the sea.

Just because a system holds tremendous entropy, it does not make it less of a system, or as I would call it a team. Nothing works alone. And in a quantum world, choice is not set in stone.

As for the evil you mention... Well I had to dance with my shadow and it shattered me. Hard core insanity and those patterns and bugs you mention came for me in full force. Real evil flowing through me in ways I cannot even describe or grasp without shuddering and feeling I'm on the edge of collapse. One cannot get it unless you get it and I'll just say, I get it. It brought me to the brink of death.

However, it is still a part of my team and there were reasons those aspects presented as evil. I did the root cause analysis and the root was anything but evil. I learned to give those aspects a healthy outlet. I learned to give them a voice after being repressed and thrown aside all that time. It came forward whether I wanted it to or not. I figured inviting it forward in small doses and reintegrating my team was much preferable to psychosis that shattered me. I'm still recovering and it will probably take a lifetime, but I'm trained in team dynamics so I went with what I know and put it to use. The alternative is unthinkable.

I can see from your current perspective that you believe there is no out. I can respect it, but I can never agree. We are incredibly unique, but also equal. If there was a way out for me, there's one for you. I won't argue it further though as I do not wish to bring you discord or challenge your deeply held beliefs further. I am ok to agree to disagree. I welcome though you as a member of my team of friends here should you wish to chat on occasion. Maybe you'd be willing to join up every now and again just to say hi or tell me something fascinating your beautiful mind is contemplating.

I've been meaning to ask you. 2 wolves. What do they represent?

"I've been meaning to ask you. 2 wolves. What do they represent?"

Exactly what you believe. Polar opposites forever fighting across the scarred battleground of my id.

It's not that I know everything, or can even specifically tell you what will happen. Madame Cleo I am not. It's just that...I get a "feel" for when bad things are within hours of happening. I can look at a situation, watch it turn expectedly into yet another problem, and then know with absolute certitude that the problem will become even more complicated. It always does. Nothing is ever "simple" with me. I get a "feeling" for things when things are about to go south. I've yet to really find a better description. Deja vu will trigger obsessive thinking and panic and insta-anxiety because then, I'll have to pause--like, physically just stop what I am doing--and run through dozens of scenarios in my head in the space of seconds to figure out which is the most likely to occur based on a combination of present circumstances, past experiences, and future probabilities. Once found, I then act according to that projection I just simulated in my head and when I'm done, I then compare how it went and try to find where my "inner calculations" went wrong so that the next time, I'll be able to plot the most likely progression (there we go, that's a better word) with greater accuracy.

Basically, if you could see the code streaming in my head, it would look like:

Input received.
Analyzing. Done.
Sarcasm detected? No.
Rage: Off.
Calculating correct reaction parameters...done.
Generating likely scenarios from current input data. Done.
Scenario 1: ...
Scenario 2: ...
Scenario 3:...
Calculating probabilities. Done.
Scenario 2 is chosen.
Compare new input to expected outcome. Done.
Refining future parameters...done.
Return to autopilot mode.

Now, you could probably make a fair argument that such a controlling mentality where I prefer to run through all possible scenarios in my head before answering someone's question or engaging an activity is merely a sign of trauma and a defensive mechanism. It's not constant, but when I feel that I have to do something correctly, this is sort of what is going on in my head. I'm sure that you could say that the inner child wanted to always be right to avoid x (insert verb--punishment, ostracization, whatever), where in my case it was to avoid EVER having to feel social awkwardness, which, ironically, only caused that feeling to manifest ever more strongly. In high school, I would try to avoid going to class just to avoid all the students whom I felt were ALL staring at me all the time. I felt like I was wearing squeaky clown shoes everywhere. lol

Yes, there are two poles. The universe exists between two poles within a mathematical set. Yes, the "set" is larger than any human mind, or even computer built within the system can ever comprehend. A sort of cosmological, built-in safety to prevent us from seeing the forest from the trees. But I am stuck within that set, and the subset that is my life within that set is a diminishing one. The entropy within my subset is stronger than the entropy in the overall set. And one ugly aspect I've begun to notice recently and is probably not healthy, is that there's no end to it. The problem is, the wolf feeds off the attention and the negativity. When I haven't eaten, I am likely to continue not eating because that causes mood instability and impulsiveness and rage to come to the surface, though the bad mood feels justified. It feels powerful. It feels in control. And I worry that talking about it too much will only stroke its ego and do nothing to solve the problem. The thing is, I have no money for therapists and don't want medication. Nor do I want to make peace with the darker side of my nature because it feels like I would be making peace with the devil who runs to the seven deadly sins. It feels like I would be saying, It's okay that I'm avaricious. That I'm greedy. That I am filled with rage and envy and pride. Better, say I, to remain humble and be lifted up to a place of honor than to assume a place of honor is mine and be embarrassed. I'm sure that's not quite what you mean, I just haven't figured out a way to escape, yet.

So I come here and try not to bleed all over the forums because this is it. There's no where else to go after this. And meanwhile, I do this, looking for the key to escape my prison:



(P.S. And you are always welcome to shoot me a PM or find me on the forums or in the chat room. )

Do you believe we create our own experiences? In any given scenario does it hold true that what occurs is driven by our consciousness? In the event more than one lifeform is present, is the outcome selected via a combination of the collective?

I used to think this was likely the case, and then my brain experiences altered consciousness when I was sick and I saw it to be the case. Additionally, the degree to which we are dialed in to our own consciousness seems to play a role in how strongly one consciousness asserts dominance over another.

So normally, life feels kinda random and just like people coming together and making choices and reacting. When I was ill, it was like time slowed down and I had time to analyze more and assert my preferences. Life essentially felt like it responded to my thoughts.

At first, this kind of experience is very acid trip connected with the universe cool. However, it began to freak me out eventually as the synchronicities piled up and then that fear began to drive the experience. There was a direct correspondence between the available outcomes and my mental and emotional state.

When I read how your experience works I am reminded of how things feel when I am psychotic. I'm not saying you're psychotic. I'm just saying the thought process and hyperconsciousness is similar.

That said, I wonder what your experience would be like if your filters were different. All data that streams in is being filtered and processed through your own unique operating system. In my case, it was through mine. The source code is the same though. The key to the door you seek therefore has to lie somewhere outside of the source as it seemingly reacts uniquely to whatever state it comes into contact with.

As for that evil. I hear what you're saying. I respect it. I chose to view it slightly differently. If everything stems from the same source it all begins as the potential for anything including evil. It morphs along a path, but still retains the potential for change. In my mind leveraging root cause analysis helped me to rewind and see where the path went in a direction I did not want. In my case a lot of it was abuse trauma based. Those dissocisted pieces were pissed and hateful for a reason.

They were affecting me constantly whether I liked it or not. They were a part of my subconscious filter system and they were indirectly selecting my path for me constantly. I decided that if I wanted less entropy, I needed to bring the team closer together. If I wanted to move forward with ease, I couldn't do it with my pieces stretched out amongst the poles pulling me apart. Pulling them in to make a tight little ball seemed like a better call from a physics optimal motion perspective. In team dynamics, we call this conflict resolution, but I like to think through a physics based filter so I decided to try to make a smaller universe.

It sucked at first, but once I faced them I was able to let them know that they were loved and accepted. I was ready to turn and face it unconditionally even if it scared me or disgusted me. I looked and eventually understood why they went down the paths they did. I understood why they wished to harm me.

I apologized for not seeing it before and for not listening. I apologized for shoving them aside. I invited them to look through my perspectives as a mother, as a strategist, as a friend, etc. I let them know they could keep pulling on me and we could experience more fear and pain, or we could team up for a stronger me and allow for new experiences to potentially heal some of their broken timelines. I explained the value chain and why this approach would serve us all well. Everyone could have what we want individually and we could do it together. It would simply require everyone to learn to serve the whole in addition to serving the persona. Those options always exist. So for example, greedy me can advocate for taking everything but that desire is going to have to choose a path shaped by the knowing that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Greedy me chooses much differently in that case taking to serve the Self and the All as opposed to one persona.

So that's kinda how I went about it. Each time an aspect of myself came up that scared me or connected me back to those unwanted feelings I worked with it. I'm not saying that would work for you. You know your shadow, but this type of integration work has helped me tremendously. The first time I went psychotic my subconscious archetypes ripped me to shreds. The second time, I was able to stay in control while I worked with my pdoc to settle things down. I was supported through it by myself. It was a wildly different ride.

I was never saying it's ok for those aspects of me to exist. It was more like saying I accept that I created them and they have a right to be heard, but if they want to move forward, they need to shift and get on board with my dominant features. I'll reintegrate them, but they have to shift to accommodate me to do it. I'm no longer cool with them playing puppet master like Oz behind the curtain. Shows over. The lights are on and we can collectively choose better.

It's like promoting them to having a seat at the table for discussion as opposed to them just taking over when I'm not looking the way kids do when unsupervised.

That's the method I came up with on my own after frantically searching for a way not to be consumed by the darkness I created for myself. A lot of it was created through no fault of my own, but it exists and nobody else can clean up the mess. It is a work in progress, but the value is there, so I plan to keep chugging along.

Your wolves are a pack. They just don't know it yet. That rubber band will keep snapping and bringing them back together if they keep running in opposite directions. That's a loop that can play out forever and it is incredibly painful. They'd be much more powerful if they learned to cocreate. Maybe never, but I am hopeful. They are both wolves, so they're family.

Cool, thanks. I like conversing with you. There are few people who know what it feels like when your inside world projects itself outwardly in real time.

@Michael2Wolves
Just a little collection of random thoughts:

I hope I am not interrupting your and Fern46’s conversation, and I do not mean to intrude, nor will I try to pretend to be able to converse as well as Fern 46 on these matters. I just keep having so many of the words you write resonate with me, that I want to reach out to you. So, after a several days of being pulled away because of other life circumstances, here I am.

First and foremost, you may not have envisioned these sorts of conversations within The Blue Nebula Cantina, but it is a social chat place, and, with all social chats, be they online or in person, sometimes they are light and simple, but other times they can dive deep into conversations that not everyone participates in. Just like in a social setting, those that want to participate in those conversations will, and those that don’t will take a little hiatus. It can return to other visions when conversations have been had and begin anew. Please do not be hard on yourself for posting your thoughts. This is after all why we are all here, is it not? I myself do not find a lot of purpose in the “lighter” conversations, and I am always drawn into the corners of the room where people don’t mind discussing the dark that lurks within our psyches, society, our world, or the universe.

I too did not “develop” my tendencies because of pot, but they were heightened by such. As I had said, I never used much, but I found it in my best interest not to. I am glad you aren’t using at the time.

You said, “I've never found that same rapport with anyone else. I've never had that level of friendship with anyone else. And from everything I can observe, such friendships are fairly common; that easy friendliness that comes to others eludes me. Instead, I find myself looking at others as though they are completely alien to me. I don't understand how everyone else finds it so easy to find common interests and topics to discuss…”

I completely understand what you say here. I have battled with those feelings my entire life. I cannot point to what childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse is the smoking gun on those emotions for me, but I don’t have to identify the source to know they are real, they come from real places, and are a biological mechanism that is trying to “tell” me something. Perhaps it is something in my soul, completely out of the realm of this life’s experiences that make me who I am. Yes, it does appear that for some the ease with which they develop “connections” is truly dumbfounding to those that struggle so much with them (there are many of us, even if it doesn’t feel like it). I always find myself silent in social settings, unless, like I said, I can find that corner of the room where there are others more like myself. I haven’t been in a “social setting” in over eight years, so I haven’t even had the opportunity to try. I am currently in a relationship that is very difficult and isolating, and I work from home, so I have no avenue to even try. I have found that so much of my life has been, and continues to be, such a struggle that I have nothing I can add to a conversation without it turning to some level of intensity or negativity, and when it doesn’t turn that way I feel like I am participating in nothing more than a conversation about the weather. I literally cannot remember much of my childhood at all. I can remember tidbits, mostly emotions at different times, all of which were feelings of loneliness, social awkwardness, feeling isolated in a family, never belonging to a peer group, and it goes on and on. I can remember things well from the time I was say 13 years old an up. Even then, I was homeless in my house, unsafe in my home and family, and walking with a loneliness in a city of people hoping that one person who cared about me would appear. That never happened. There is a difference between acquaintances and “friends”. I think a lot of people are very comfortable at amassing acquaintanceships, and it stops there. They are not so much content with less, but truly unaware of the difference. Their needs do not run as deep; thus, they do not know what is missing. Their life stories perhaps have been simple enough that they can exist on that realm, and for them that is fine. When people come from troubled pasts, it is extremely difficult to connect with those who have not. Mostly because our intensity and experiences leave us silent in conversations that are more “normal”. That does not mean we are bad, or incapable of social engagement, just that we are spiritually and culturally different beings and cannot fit in the dominant society around us.

I am a survivor. I feel as though my purpose here is to simply survive, not thrive. I have tried so hard so many times to follow paths for the better, but alas, they are not better. Without the financial capabilities, or emotional strength, to forge a path through the jungle of life, I have only had the ability to select paths presented and try to make the right decisions. That being said, there have been very few paths that show themselves simultaneously, thus it never really feels like choices. While I am open to the universe somehow aligning to permit me the gift of a path that will be less full of trials and struggles, I am at a state that I feel exhausted and hopeless in my ability to change anything on my own. Perhaps someday that will change, but without a path or door presenting itself at the right time, that may never happen. What I can do, in the meantime, is continue to be a good, honest, compassionate person who perhaps can be some good in what seems to be such a harsh, toxic, or void world. I cannot be a cheerleader for you telling you that good things are possible if you just go out and do it because I am unable to do it myself right now. I can, however, tell you that you can hold onto the good within you, feel good about yourself (even if it feels like a small part, it is there), continue surviving, and permit yourself mentally to remain open to the fact that someday things may align to change for the better. That is the faith we have to have. When you feel hopeless to change things because there is no clear path, it is time for that survival mechanism to kick in and ride it out for a time, all the while remaining open to change. If that path does not present itself in this dimension, then perhaps our struggle to survive, move beyond our hardships, and continue, will provide us our hearts desires in the next.

As Fern46 said, we are made up of many different pieces, it is a matter of accepting all the pieces, strengthening the good ones, coming to terms with the bad, and reconfiguring them over time to work better for us. I do not have the training and skills to do this well, but I understand what she says. Being able to do this amongst all the other trials we face in life can be difficult. I have been watching the Orb Weaver spiders around my house this year. They spin their webs from the silk of their bodies or souls. It is made of so many pieces, each distinct, yet intricately tied to the other; however, they all play a critical role independently and collectively. They spin their webs to feed themselves, without it, there is no nourishment. Some of them have ideal habitats to do this, while others do not. Those with the best locations grow the best and can stay and repair any damage to the web over time and live their life to fruition without having to move. Those that do not have the best locations do not do as well. Some of those eat their web and find a new habitat to build. Others linger trying to repair a web that barely nourishes them. The spiders build where they can within the hierarchy of the deck. Those with larger size, more strength, or by random chance get the best locations. The spiders on the fringe struggle and try to avoid being eaten by their neighbors…LOL. I guess what I am trying to illustrate here is that our souls make a complex web that is the foundation we need to nourish us. We build it from the silk of our character, we have to make repairs along the way, and sometimes when chance permits, or our strength is regained enough, we can take it all back in and rebuild it again, but it is still using the same silk we had before. Life is a mix of random chance and our own utilization of the space we have, whether we landed there because we chose it, or because it was the only space available at the time, is irrelevant. We can only do the best we can within the span of our life. All the spiders are the same species. Just because one doesn’t illustrate the idyllic space and life that other spiders have does not make it any less of a spider. Maybe that was a foolish analogy, but I tried.

You are obviously a strong person as you are still here. You may not have a formal education, but you are intelligent, well read, and VERY well spoken. You do have positive attributes you can feel good about, and perhaps use as the foundation to move forward should opportunities arise, or at lest cherish those so you can feel good about yourself.

Either way, your words touched my heart, resonated in some way with my soul, and inspired me to reach out. I wish you well, and hope that you can accept the good in you that others see, and hold onto that despite your struggles.

No worries about taking your time. I always try to keep a tab open on this site just because I have nowhere else to go. And I appreciate your words about the thread. I will make a new one one day, and I'll moderate myself if I have to just to make sure no one feels put off by my attitude, which I freely admit is not always pleasant, but is always focused inward, and usually never at others unless they have truly done something egregious to earn my scorn, and then it's a light switch, and man, what is waiting in the darkness is not good.

Part of the issue, I believe, lay within our differences in perception. You see a cause for me to "hold on," a little longer so that "someday" things will change. I have been out of prison 7 years, and I can state with unequivocal certainty that the trend in my life in those seven years has been subtractive, corrosive, and utterly worthless for inspiring anything other than despair. One doesn't need to know the exact number of letters left in a pen that has almost no ink in it in order to tell that eventually, the ink is going to run out and the pen will be worthless.

I have no friends in real life other than my dealers. I see a midnight arrest in my future by jack-booted government thugs coming very soon as the political dissidents and undesirables are eliminated to solidify power. I see nothing good in my future because there is nothing from which good can spring anymore. There's nothing left to feed into the Pattern to get anything out. To put it another way, I've run out of tokens at the arcade, and it's still open. lol Dennis Prager says that it's not good when a woman doesn't have a lot of woman friends and a man doesn't have a lot of male friends. That's a sign that something is off, and sister, I reek of it. I'm so "off" I'm surprised I don't have a heat aura around me like you see above pavement on a hot day. That alone will be a subtle indicator that anyone of good sense will listen to and avoid.

What is more, yeah, I may have it fairly easy (and there's guilt there, too, that I should have it pretty easy while at the same time wanting to run screaming from it), but it's not MINE. I have nothing I can point to as any sort of accomplishment of value to someone I might be interested in. What, I have a Saab? So what? A dog? So what? That doesn't translate to marital, financial or psychological bliss, and women aren't going to miss that cue and not move in the opposite direction. You can practically smell it on me. lmao So that kills relationships. What else is left? Short of me somehow winning a power ball lotto, I'll be poor the rest of my life. I can't even afford my own place because I can't get a damned job that pays more than $12 an hour that I can tolerate. I had a $19 an hour job painting, and an #$%^&* boss who wanted to try screaming in my face...get what kind of internal reaction that caused?? If I wouldn't have walked away, he would been in a nursing home, and I would have been back in prison for destroying a sh*tty geriatric pus bag. His company, by the way, had to pay people like they were union to keep them around because the turnover rate was so high.

"Some of them have ideal habitats to do this, while others do not. Those with the best locations grow the best and can stay and repair any damage to the web over time and live their life to fruition without having to move. Those that do not have the best locations do not do as well. Some of those eat their web and find a new habitat to build. Others linger trying to repair a web that barely nourishes them. The spiders build where they can within the hierarchy of the deck. Those with larger size, more strength, or by random chance get the best locations. The spiders on the fringe struggle and try to avoid being eaten by their neighbors…"

Those spiders that don't leave? That would be me. Only I'm cognizant of the fact that there actually are better locations (to continue your metaphor) that I cannot reach because of factors I cannot change that will forever be a permanent drag on me. So...what do I do? Keep hoping for highly improbable scenarios so that I can survive? Or do I just say eff it? I am inclined to the latter because there is no room for advancement left. There are no probability lines for the Pattern to unfold. All that remains is a painfully slow, down-hill slide into misery. I am well and truly stuck and can't get out. If I had a gf I could actually build something with, that would be different, but that hasn't worked out and I'm no longer interested in pursuing that path anymore because again, what do I have in common with anyone else? Nothing. And moreover, I refuse to let the Pattern continue leading me around by the nose with the old carrot-on-a-stick routine. Now, when I see the carrot, I tell Life to bloody well piss off, call it a sodding git, and hate it a little harder. This is the danger I mentioned and how I know it's not going to end well because I know myself. When I get in that mentality, I want to do anything I can to strike back at the very universe itself. My arms may be too short to box with God, but they're plenty long enough to box with myself, and since reality springs from within, the only way that remains is for me to bash about the source, and I don't care if it breaks.

That's why the idea of taking medication makes me scoff in sardonic laughter. It's nothing but a mask and doesn't change the underlying circumstances that gave rise to the conditions that caused the need for the medication in the first place. Maybe that's just the borderline personality tendencies talking, but it sure feels pretty right and justified to me.

Maybe it isn't about finding that new location. Maybe the challenge lies in finding acceptance, comfort and dare I say even joy where you are? I find the new location is never an option until I learn to make the old location work for me. And then I get cozy with it and bam, it gets blown to pieces

I appreciate your analogy.

@Michael2Wolves & @fern46,

Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my thoughts. My analogy had some good points and some weak ones. I hadn’t intended the focus to be on moving. The idea of building anew somewhere always lingers, but the scenario of the grass is always greener on the other side can come into play. Even when a spider can muster the strength to move to the ideal habitat, right under that bright porch light that draws in so much nourishment and plenty, wait awhile and then comes along the human who decides to turn the light off at night. There goes the artificially provided comfort and provisions. In the time span of a moment, by random chance, all that was there that allowed you to live in comfort and ease without worry, suddenly leaves you overly large, dependent, and unprepared. Who, at that point is more prepared to withstand the trials of hardship? The lean spider that tended a web that, while not perfect, provided enough sustenance to eke out an existence despite the difficulties and fears, or the morbidly obese spider that sat on its web of plenty totally unprepared for the unforeseen, and psychologically and physically incapable of living on less as the caloric intake to maintain it is so high that its demise is inevitable. I have always been the lean spider, just barely getting by, choosing one meager habitat after another, avoiding predators, or fighting when needed. The point being that I am still a spider, no different than any other, just with a different habitat, and I can only do the best that I can. There are times my web is in tatters, and it takes time to muster the strength to either repair it as best I can or move my web and build it anew, only to have it tattered again. To “us”, what seems like a life of luxury from a distance, can really at some point be the crippling feature to the beholder. Maybe we can take solace in our ability to be survivors, with heightened awareness of our surroundings, able to predict the random obstacles that lurk, and stand steadfast against all odds, yet still survive once again.

Michael2Wolves, you say, “That's why the idea of taking medication makes me scoff in sardonic laughter. It's nothing but a mask and doesn't change the underlying circumstances that gave rise to the conditions that caused the need for the medication in the first place.”

My feeling precisely on medication. I am not crazy, my feelings are real, come from real places, reasons, and realities. I do not need a medication that is going to deaden my emotions, blind my vision to my reality, and only make a tattered web look like it is fine. If I am not there to tend it, and am blinded by medically induced false realities, when I woke up, if I woke up, what would I have to face then? Maybe if we lived in a world without the porch decks and bright lights all of us would have more similar circumstances and a more equal playing field, but that is not the reality of human existence, it never will be.

Michael, you are a beautiful writer. You are able to express yourself with intensity and eloquence that is not often seen. Perhaps that can be a groundwork for you to find something. If nothing else, you obviously have reached out to others in the virtual world who have reached back. We are rooting for you, even if you cannot root for yourself right now. You mention not having money, or work, but you do have a place to live. Perhaps there would be some educational grants you could pursue. There may also be some educational funding through programs for people who have spent time in jail and are out. STOP, I know you are fully capable of telling me why that won’t work, isn’t possible, or is pointless. Someone with your writing ability, and thought processing capabilities, I think, could find something in a philosophy course or the like. Even if it isn’t for the purpose of a degree, it might provide you a distraction and way to dive into something other than your worries. I cannot help but try to tell you that despite your despair, you are worth investing in yourself and well-being, whatever that may be. If you do decide to go to school, be prepared to look for a more alternative educational setting so that you won’t be stuck in a class with a bunch of “kids”. I went back to school as a single mother at 20, and even then, I was annoyed by the immaturity and adolescence of my “classmates”. I guess being there for a reason other than just that it was the next step in life set me apart. I did thoroughly enjoy the engagement of the professors.

Either way, thank you both for the engagement! I joined this forum, but I must say these “conversations” have been the one thing bringing me back. Big questions, thoughts, and/or feelings shared and discussed. It has been thoroughly enjoyable to read all you both have written. A real treat and escape from my lonely realities as of late.

Back to the dessert part of the thread……if you like. I like smores. BUT, one must slightly roast the graham crackers on a rock beside the fire with the DARK chocolate on one of them to slightly melt it as well. Then roast the marshmallows slowly to a golden brown. When that is done, apply a generous amount of peanut butter (real peanut butter only, nothing but peanuts) to the graham cracker without the chocolate, and put it all together. Enjoy and savor the flavor while listening to the crackling fire, in the silence and darkness under the stars.

Be well!

Desserts? Yes, please

I'm in for anything chocolate usually. I made a torte with a ganache topping a few weeks back and that was worth every calorie.

I stepped away from the chocolate this week and made pumpkin spice cookies with cream cheese frosting. We had a gathering last night and they went fast!

I cannot choose one favorite, but the smores you described sounds pretty perfect.

Find joy in my current location...? You do realize I live in Kenosha, Wisconsin, right? Home of the Kingfish, the Spot drive-in, and Antifa riots of late...? Downtown is mostly closed and boarded up, uptown is burned down, and the only educational opportunities I could afford would be at Gateway, but they're going to make me take 30 credits of B.S. general education credits I don't need and will never use in order to make sure they can pay their over-abundant staff at my expense. Wtf am I going to use sociology for? Or psychology? I'm not trying to head-shrink the computer, or my car, and I don't really care to talk to customers. I'll let someone else deal with the customers. Plus, the math professor knows I'm cracked because I tried asking him to debunk the Pattern since he has a doctorate in mathematics. I got crickets in response.

Also, there's the white elephant in the room of, who in their right mind would hire a felon at 40 who has no degree (or just got one) and has gaps in his resume the size of the Grand Canyon? This is why not even Jiffy Lube would hire me, and they hire illegals. QPS temp service in Kenosha, WI wouldn't hire me except for minimum wage in warehouses, even though I was applying for their office jobs--they tell me they had none, and then, not realizing I know how to speak Spanish, turn around and give that same job to some walk-in illegal who didn't even have his green card, because he said so in Spanish to the QPS rep. This is used to be an American Motors town, and then Anataramian and his cohort took over and destroyed the auto industry, got rid of Lakefront, and now, everything is moving farther and farther west. Not even Amazon would hire me at their warehouse, even though I offered to go get bonded so they got tax credits for hiring me. Nope.

As for education, let me tell you something. I tried to apply at the Art Institute of Wisconsin-Milwaukee (not MIAD), and I had applied for student loans and everything, and then they tell me, "Oh, actually, we're going to pull your admission because you're a felon." Good call. Because clearly, I was dead set on selling dope at the school and trying to corrupt the youth--you could tell by the portfolio I had put together of the portraits I had done. That really screams "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" 🙄🤷🏻😒 I should have sued them into the Stone Age for discrimination under Title IX. Yes, you may be a private institution, but guess what? Receive student loan dollars and that goes out the window.

Okay, maybe--maaaybe--I can write okay-ish...lol My inmate complaints were the stuff of legend. Pretty sure they got a few of them framed hanging up somewhere, especially the ones where I got a guard suspended for stealing and a complaint investigator for abetting the theft. lmao Same with my legal motions when I was doing pro se stuff in the joint. My arguments were concise, and absolutely brutal without any rhetoric whatsoever. lt IS kind of hard for me to take a compliment on it simply because it's never gotten me anywhere. I would love to go write for the Daily Wire or something, but that's the other part of the problem that I don't think I mentioned, but we're all dancing around. Anything I produce--be it artwork, poetry, writing, whatever--can all be instantly invalidated just by someone simply saying, "Yeah, but he's a felon." And a felon of the worst sort, no less. lol We've already seen it happen before--the artistic merit means nothing and is easily disposed of and forgotten in the face of past mistakes. I cannot move beyond my past because I am not allowed to. I think that's what kills the ambition to even bother trying to pursue anything other than a job in a coal mine as the canary because no company will put me in any position where there will be any sort of potential for political/societal blowback. And therefore, any education I pursue MUST be pursued only as a hobby because I know nothing will ever come of it, and I don't have $16,000+ to piss away on a graphic arts degree that no company in the world would care about in the face of the other aspects of my resume. The cancel-culture is more than real; I've felt it for years before it even became a thing. And nowadays, it's even more prevalent to dispose of people because of their past. "Why don't you go apply at...?" Because they won't hire me, plain and simple. Especially not for any careers I'd want to pursue in graphic arts or writing. All that remains is drudge work, and I'm sorry, but those temp services can go sod themselves right off the nearest cliff. I'm not going to do drudge work for minimum wage the rest of my life and be beholden to a society that does not give two turds about me--they want to hate me? Fine. Bring it. I will hate them back with a hundred-fold fury. Yeah, I did what I did, but I paid my debt in full. I got little to lose, and as a result, I have no hair on my tongue. Someone has something slick to say out of the side of their neck, I'll have something even more corrosive to respond with, and it's usually something crafted to guarantee a response because I want someone to be stupid enough to try me. They'll find out very quickly that I am not the one when I make an example out of them.

So what's left? Uranium mining companies don't want me, either--I've tried, and even volunteered for the most dangerous jobs in the email. Nope. Nor do coal mines, or any other dangerous jobs that pay well. This is how I can see so easily the shape of the future. Eventually I will get tired of trying, and then that will be the end of it. America is the land of opportunity, not equal outcome. My opportunities have all dried up, but I don't blame others. I try to stay humble, and hate the idea that I might be narcissistic in any way, and talking about my talents (or my mental health issues, for that matter) sometimes feels like that's what I'm doing--being narcissistic.

Now, as for dessert, and pumpkin spice...lmao Besides, I make a badass apple pie and because I'm OCD and a perfectionist, my crusts look like Betty Crocker, complete with the scalloping around the edge. lol My grandmother was full-blooded Italian, and my grandfather was German. Thankfully, I got the Italian side of the food preferences--who eats rotted cabbage? Bleh. lol I also make a mean beef barley soup--just ask my ex. lol Ooh, speaking of which, I have to send her flowers again as it's almost her birthday...

Not sure what to say. You have a reason that almost anything is a no go. I won't challenge that. All I can do is hold onto hope for you.

I'd like to see one of those pies. They sound pretty fantastic.

I was going to just say something pat like, it's not me that makes the reasoning; the reason are external.

However, I want to not let myself off that easily. There are reasons that are external. I am 40. I am a felon. I have huge gaps in my employment history that are red flags. I will never pass a background check. I am in Kenosha, which has few jobs available, and less for the graduates from the Stoney Lonesome. I once sent out 30+ applications, and the results were: 2 call backs, 1 interview, no jobs.

THAT is the experience telling me that those exigent circumstances are something I can do nothing about. And they are indeed external.

Now, on the flip side of that (take that, you thrice-damned ego), me not wanting to sit through college? Yeah, that's a choice, and a bad one, based on fear because I don't know if I can sit through 2 years by myself because I hate school, and flunked all through school growing up. I failed upward. Parkside wouldn't accept me, anyway, and I cannot afford the $85,000 a year for the theoretical physics program there (lol). Gateway is the only technical college around that has any programs whatsoever I'd be interested in, but again, they'd be a hobby pursuit at best because no one wants to hire a felon, especially this felon, for anything jobs that will hold my mental interest (this is why graphic arts interests me, especially technical stuff). As for grants and scholarships, there are none. None. I've looked. There are literally NONE I qualify for, not even Pell. Especially not Pell.

My current job, white collar though it be, is by the grace of my neighbor whom I've known since I was little. That job doesn't "lead" anywhere. There's no contacts to be made, no growth from it. I'll never get a raise beyond $12 an hour, I'll never buy the damned business like my boss wants because I'm not going to saddle myself with a company that is dying and most likely be bankrupt soon. There is no mobility, and he's barely surviving himself, and will most likely have to close shop soon. And then what? If you know a car is a lemon, do you buy it anyway? Or do you move on?

Yes, I may have developed some graphic art skills, and maybe I can impress some people online on Facebook and DeviantArt, but that doesn't translate to job interviews and a career, either, for the simple reason I am a felon. All of my artistry and skill can be utterly repudiated in full by simply knowing my past and running my real name through CODIS. I lose all value as a human at the moment. That is why I sought dangerous jobs because I intrinsically know that my worth in society isn't much; I'd at least like to get paid for doing something useful even if it's something no one else wants to do.

Yes, I choose to isolate rather than hang out with my "friends," and be bored out of my skull so that I still end up isolating, just in a different setting. If I could but find a single opportunity that would actually be solid and not come with a 10-to-1 ratio of bad-to-good strings attached, I might actually be able to take care of myself. I have waited almost eight years for that opportunity, and it's still MIA, but I will at least own my poor choices and call them what they are. Poor choices.

I've lost the ability to socialize properly from lack of practice. I no longer know how to socialize in a normal way because I've isolated so long. That's why I talk about weird shtako, because I don't know what else to say. No, really, I don't know how to strike up a conversation, or what my reaction should be to some things. Like, I have to think to myself sometimes about how to react to something so I don't look weird in front of others, and that long pause between event and reaction makes me look slow, or at least, definitely off. Don't get me wrong, it's not constant, but in certain circumstances, it comes up. I'll even go farther and say these are skills I never really developed in the first place. And then learning to survive in prison took over and replaced the need for social skills. I'm like Swiss cheese--full of holes. lol

I'm sorry, truly. I feel like I've disappointed you or that you feel like I'm being contrary for the sake of being contrary. I see it, believe me, just as much as you do, but I don't know what to do to overcome it that I haven't already tried. "Everything I cherish is slowly dying or it's gone." I'm running out of time, I know. I can hear the sand whispering through the hourglass aperture at the same time as my brain is whispering to me, "You just don't want them to know you're a lazy bastard." lol I feel so guilty about it because I can't get ahead, if that makes sense.

And I don't think I need to quote the statistics for single men as they age; we all know what they look like, and they ain't good. 😕

The pies are pretty good, though. Crisco is the key. lol That, and massaging the dough a bit more so it's more firm. Another dish I love is the fried green peppers and Italian sausage, with sliced potatoes. That smell is so iconic it instantly transports me back to being a kid. We have the fireplace in the kitchen, so in winter, it's the perfect place to hang out and snack while watching tv. lol The dog certainly loves it--she gets to roast.

One of my favorite memories as a child was sitting in front of that fireplace snacking on fresh baked cookies like scalidi and anise slices at Christmas while my grandparents would play Frankie Lane records and that song I'll Take Care Of Your Cares in the background. For me, that is always a Christmas song. lol

Your challenges are real. I do not deny them. I do not see them the same as you do though. I do not see your story as already told and unable to change. You perhaps feel that I come to that conclusion due to a lack of knowledge. I do not. We simply hold conflicting philosophical beliefs and that is what makes things interesting. I see us as creators that draw experiences toward us through our beliefs, emotions and actions. I see a degree of things that are within your power despite the external factors. You perhaps see these same variables as immutable.

What you sense in me is not disappointment. It is acceptance of a difference in approach and belief structures. As a strategist, I am trained to follow the value chain. I offer my insight or suggestions where they are needed or wanted. Sometimes I push to see if they can help. If it is clear they do harm or they offer no value, I shift my efforts to something else. This does not indicate I am closed off from future potential. It just means I choose to accept what is and leave things open until another time. Sometimes people wish to work things out on their own. Sometimes people do not choose to find change. Sometimes change cannot be found. It is not for me to force a path that is not my own especially when I know sometimes the value lies in the struggle of those who take time alone to process. I believe we are all here to find our own way and I respect the beauty in the process.

In this case I feel this is appropriate. It does not serve me to trigger you to feel you need to justify your lot in life or your choices. You do not owe me that and I believe you believe what you say. I sense rejection of my perspective, and I respect wholly your choice in that regard. It is not disappointment that drives me to this. It is my choice to try to experience and offer unconditional love to others. I can be your friend regardless of what you choose and also step back from poruing energy into discussions that have a negative value yield for us. Is it not somewhat exhausting to counter all of the points made?

I prefer to shift to something we can do together which can add mutual value. In this case that may be to just give things time until a situation presents itself for discussion, or it could be to shift topics to something we can relate on and perhaps enjoy together. Desserts is certainly trivial, but I smile at the thought of you thinking about favorite dishes and plesant memories.

I do enjoy hearing your story if you ever wish to share more of it. The details of your life and even the struggles interest me because every human story is worth hearing imho. However, I do not wish for it to come as a counter to a suggestion I've tossed out. I prefer you simply share whatever is on your mind and whatever you'd find value in sharing. I hope this makes sense.

As for sharing, I wanted to say that I too am at a career crossroads for many reasons. I had a very promising career and now I am unable to chase many of the paths that used to be wide open for me. It is disappointing and difficult and I find that I will most likely need to reinvent myself. I turn 40 this year. I relate to much of what you say.

Much of my struggle lies in knowing pushing my mind to do the kind of work I am used to is a risky venture for me. It seems that diving into my work and getting excited about developing solutions for my customers is a trigger for instability mentally. This is new for me and saddens me on a very deep level.

I attempted to write as a way to stretch my mind and I enjoyed it thoroughly. However, the same thing happened and things went sideways mentally just as I composed the beginning of the last chapter of a book I was authoring. It sits unfinished for now.

I'm trying to find a strategy for using my skills while maintaining my health. It is daunting and feels hopeless at times, but I know that's just a perspective. When I remove that filter I can see various paths available. I just need to match one up with the proper timing and the faith to take the steps needed. I do not know when that will be and for now it must be enough for me to find peace in what I am able to contribute to my family. I have learned a great deal about humility on this current path and I will keep going until something else clearly presents itself.

Maybe that will be a $12 an hour job that I can do without much mental stress. Maybe I will find something that can sustain my family so that my husband can take a break from supporting us. I'm open and hopeful.

External reasons for a hopelessness are everywhere, for many people. I find that for myself as well. My job pays more than $12, but as the minimum wage goes up, mine does not. My work isn't full time, even if it were, I still would be unable to earn enough to afford to be on my own. I have no health benefits, no paid vacation, so sick days, no holidays. As such, my 3/4 time work then amounts to part time. I have looked so hard for something else, but I have been at my job for so long that my skill sets have been refined and narrowed into something that isn't applicable in any other field. If I were to quit and take a full time $12 an hour job, I would still be in the same financial predicament. I live in a house with someone extremely toxic and manipulative. I got to a point that my emotions were so low, I was angry at everything, but in silence, because if I voiced my frustrations, wants, or needs, there were serious emotional consequences. I have no family or support network. I have children. My daughter is 29, my son 15 (and living with his dad because he just wants to play video games and flunk in school, not something I would permit). Kids cannot be a support network for parents. I asked my boss for a raise, and I got 50 cents an hour and a comment that he would consider trying to provide more in the fall. Well, it is fall and he bought the organization a small sailboat, to reduce our "carbon footprint" (sailing is his passion), but there was no raise for me mentioned. He doesn't pay himself a lot of money, more than me, but not a ton, but he has family money to survive on through he and his wife's families. He doesn't need money. He underpaid himself for so many years so he could look impoverished and still qualify for state health insurance for he and his family. He hired his unqualified daughter to do some work for the organization, at the same pay rate I make, sucking up a lot of funds at an inefficient rate for work that I would have to fix. I was unemployed for two months when the funds dried up as a result. I too am hopeless, because it seems that no matter what I do, I will not "make it" as I cannot overcome the income inequalities and the cost of living will always be beyond my means. I would do ANY job if I could just be guaranteed to be able to support myself and a modest lifestyle, but that is not possible. As I said, I was hopeless and angry and spiraling downward. I had to let go of pretending that there was, or is, ANYTHING I can do. I realized that, I have to survive. I had to let go of any preconceived notion that the American dream was possible for me. I did what I was supposed to. I came from a troubled past, got my GED when I was 15, went back to school as a single mother, took out student loans to make it happen (which I paid off in full), got a degree with honors, got a job and tried to make my way in the world. Here I am, 48, a go nowhere job, in a crappy relationship, unable to support myself. I was, and in many ways still am, in such a dark place. I let go! I had to release any notion that I could do anything, and now I wait to see if the universe is going to provide (not likely). That release is the only thing that let my anger, frustration, and hopelessness subside. All of those feelings were the result of me being hard on myself because I couldn't "make it happen". I was angry at myself, the world around me, the injustices everywhere. I have a friend who has talked to me about my circumstances and said, "you have got to get out of there, or nothing will improve and it will destroy you." Yes, but without the financial means to make that happen...it won't. So, yes, I am hopeless, yet I try to provide hope to others saying the same things others have said to me. What a hypocritical bag of dung right?

I am sorry if my suggestion of an education triggered frustrations for you, I get it. You have tried so many things to no avail. I understand that. I understand your response as well, because I have shared those same sentiments with the one person in my life that has tried to make recommendations on how I could change and improve my situation. It is hopeless in so many ways. All I really hope for you is that if you have given up trying, as I have, try to let go of the anger at all the failed attempts, the hurt, frustration, and fear that results from that. You don't have to believe it will get better, you just have to let go of, or at least let subside, the anger that it may not or won't. It may be beyond your, or my, control to change our situations. As a result, just ride it out. We are not in control of our own destinies, but we can do the best we can in the moment to be kind to ourselves. That is all we can do. Not to let ourselves become the darkness we feel.

I too need to reinvent myself. I am 48 and need a new career. Because I already have a degree, I can receive no help in the form of free training, educational grants, or even help from the local employment facilities. I walked into the office, explained my circumstances, and was told they could do nothing to help me because I already have a degree and thus am considered "employable". No money to go to school, and there is no way I would even consider taking out loans at my age. Even if I did take out loans to go to school and got a new degree, I would be over 50 by then, and I would be facing those obstacles. Who wants to hire an over 50, new to a field; they want to invest in young blood. The void is real.

I don't have hope for myself, I have given up, but I focus on trying to enjoy moments with my daughter and grandchildren, the beauty of the spiders on the deck (despite that in them I see a patterns of life), walking with my dog, or anything I can observe that might bring me a smile. I am on a ride, and I have no idea where it is going. I see potential darkness around every corner, but there is nothing I can do. I wasn't put on this earth to drive my own vehicle, or write my own story, I was put here to survive. Perhaps that is the only thing I am meant to do, and only time will tell.

Family heritages and ethnicities are a funny thing. My family lineage in this country goes back a long way and has many branches. My great grandmother kept detailed family tree information. All it did for me was to show me that somewhere in the history of my family, we weren't always messed up. I think the demise of my family started with my great grandfather, or at least the large copper still in the basement of the house my grandfather was born in had led me to think that. All of that is gone. The house, the family paintings, everything. My uncle was the last alcoholic to lose it all. Interestingly enough, my great grandmother came from Pennsylvania. Her family cared very much about education, and my great great grandmother had started a school for girls. They were Quakers. My great grandmother graduated from Swarthmore college in 1902 with a degree in mathematics. She wrote her thesis on Planetary Evolution. I googled her at one point and found that her thesis was in the archives at the school, so I contacted them and they scanned it and sent me a copy. It was very interesting. I started, at one point, to research my family in greater detail, but I realized that it was only because I was trying to convince myself that maybe there was something for me to find, or someone, that would provide me company or change my situation. I stopped. I have a few trinkets left. A land grant to my great great grandfather in the upper peninsula of Michigan signed by Grover Cleveland for 600 acres. Useless. Some odd little pins from my families ties to the Free Masonry Society (whatever that is). Meaningless. It is all just trinkets and paper that doesn’t change the loneliness and hopelessness.

Rotten cabbage too funny. There was a recipe for "hot slaw" that my family used to make. It was like a cold slaw, but with red cabbage, and spices, that when cooked made it spicy and of course it was "hot". I think it was a family recipe that had German roots. There was also a dish of baked sour kraut, potatoes, and kielbasa that I loved as a child. I love a good apple pie, though I am a lazy baker and use premade crusts.
So many tangents……

@fern46, I really didn't mean it to sound like a rejection of your perspective. And yes, it is exhausting, but not because I am "countering" the points (which implies me actively trying to think of a reason to counter them), but because I feel that I am merely reacting to their existence. I gave up and simply float along as the wind takes me, now. And for seven years, it has taken me nowhere. No opportunities appear. At all. Nothing. I don't know what else to do but to isolate because there is simply no one I am interested in hanging out with anymore. And that is the danger. I know that the more I do it, the more atavistic my social skills become, and the less I am able to hold even a basic conversation because I don't know what to say.

As for sharing my story, it's profoundly boring and tawdry, I assure you. lmao I really do appreciate your perspective, Fern, and it's not that I am rejecting it, it's that I don't know how where to go from the point I am at because Nothing Is New Under The Sun. I have exhausted the ideas I had for escape. People will tell me, "Oh, well you can go to college." Well, yeah, if I had the money. The mental instability in my head is so wild that others sense it around me, and I don't think I have the current mental fortitude to sit in class all day. I tried getting one of my younger friends down here by me to go to Gateway with me so we could both take the auto shop class together, but nope. I reach out for opportunities when I see them--I always do. The problem, as I see it (and as you say is a perspective problem), the Pattern isn't providing NEW opportunities. Just rehashing the same tired ones that I've been through so many times, I practically know the script by heart.

Sorry, I'm half asleep as I type this because I haven't coffee'd up so you're getting the unfiltered ego speaking here. lol I can always sense when that wall is down because I am drowsy. Sure, I have learned a lot about myself, but a dandelion by any other name is still a weed. lol I really don't want to give the impression that I reject anything. I am always listening, looking, and waiting; it's just that I am stuck on hold with crappy Muzak on the line (Opus Number One, anybody...?) and I cannot accept the just surviving. I don't want to just survive, and if that's all that's left...sorry, but I am REALLY not interested, then, and the risk becomes that much greater. Add Alzheimer's in the mix in less than 20 years, And it will please you to know that I am cannabis free one week. See? That is how much I value our repartee.

@StrugglingMama, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn't trigger me. The education issues are a source of shame and blame, and I fully do blame myself and none others. I am not a narcissist. I don't know how to let go of the rage because that is all that remains. I'm a hollow person. You ever seen Death Becomes Her? lmao That's how I feel sometimes. And a lot of the anger I can't help but feel is justified, and that feeling reinforces it, regardless of whether it is right or wrong. How's that for an insight? lol Ah, the Quakers, yes. We have a group of them that meet at Hawthorne Hollow, or did before the covid crap. You're in the same boat as I--both too old to start a new career, and that is a real issue. That is why I still hold out some hope for graphic arts because it's the only thing I'm fairly good at, though, tbh, I'm pretty mediocre, the rare portraits I've done notwithstanding.

And look, I don't know where you come from, but where I come from 600 acres of virgin land is enough to throw a single wide on and call it a day. lol I'm really sorry you're going through that. I, at least, have earned Karma's wrath through feckless living as a wastrel. I don't know what else to do, though, and I have no opportunities out of state. "Sometimes change cannot be found. It is not for me to force a path that is not my own" As Fern said, it's not for me to force an opportunity. So, what? I guess I'm just supposed to sit around for the next ten years waiting? Sometimes, change cannot be found.

I really appreciate the thought-ought responses; Might not be able to see it from where you stand, but I am at least still looking for opportunity, but I feel like I"m going to have to go out and strangle the opportunity into existence., and doing so causes feedback in the Pattern that I usually pay for later. I try to go through life without upsetting anyone's wa, the Japanese term for harmonious state of being. Because if I do, and I know it, it will join the mountain of others I carry around. My one ray of sunshine is my little doggo. lol



Pic is food porn. Scalidi cookies, swamped in honey. lol

Maybe rejection implies judgment on my part. That isn't really the case. It has more to do with an instinct that we approach things differently and a respect for the conclusions you've drawn. It isn't a bad thing.

I hold a belief that the vibration we carry attracts what resonates. Let's say I held the vibratory equivalent belief of there being no option for me to ever work again that could satisfy my creative needs. I feel that as long as I held that belief, I would attract its match experientially. It may take time to manifest as results are not instantaneous in many cases, but eventually a match for the vibration of the belief will come forward in some form.

Now that is a simplified explanation of this universal law, but it holds true in my experience. There are seven of these laws and they hold up from a physical standpoint as well as on a metaphysical level. It can be difficult to see them playing out individually. The example I have given is rudimentary as they intertwine in varying degrees of complexity constantly. However, when I am in a manifesting sort of mood I work with these laws. I also try to reflect through their filters.

Vibratory resonance is something I've studied on a deep level. I have been very empathetic since childhood and the emotions of others affect me significantly. I can feel them in my body. I cannot know the exact nature of them, but I can tell the delta between someone's state and my own. I can generally feel the difference between joy, sadness, anger, hate, peacefulness, etc.

Have you ever read Candace Pert's work? It fascinated me. She essentially discovered how neurochemicals released through emotional response cause a vibration within the body. We literally pulse out waves of energy as we feel through our days.

That said, it is my belief the words we use matter. The energy we carry matters. Even if my life is imploding, I strive to use a positively oriented perspective because I wish to draw those types of experiences into my life.

So maybe rejection isn't the right word to use. More accurately put, I see us as at times holding vibratory patterns that essentially cancel each other out. You could think of it like sound waves with destructive interference patterns. It isn't painful per say, but can be an energy drainer. I'd say 1 and you'd say -1. We'd always land on 0. Sometimes that oppositely polarized perspective is what is needed. Sometimes it feels like a battle of opposites. I just wanted to avoid the latter because I like talking with you and I do not wish to drain you.

In some regards we have very complimentary vibratory patterns. We amplify each other or create a funky sort of beat that I enjoy. I was just pointing out that I may in the future strive to err on the side of these experiences because they elicit more smiles from us both and that is more resonant with me and I may be off base, but it is potentially why you have done me the honor of extending me an invitation to converse???

Weeds are totally and wholly cool in my book except for when they are in my lawn or garden. I'd probably let them run free, but I'd get a nasty letter from my HOA and dealing with them is a hot mess I try to avoid. My kids just see weeds as a flower or a plant when they look at them. They do not hold the judgment forced upon most people. I can see through their eyes.

I love the pic of your dog. I'm a dog person all the way. Mine is snoring away next to me at the moment

I forgot to add... Your cannabis use isn't something that I should judge. I've used it before myself. I can only speak to the fact it is dangerous for me. It targets several of the neuroreceptors that seem to be quite sensitive and overactive in my mind. The last thing I need is to have them firing more.

It was expansive for me and at the same time left me more reclusive. I find I'm healthier without it, but that isn't the case for everyone. To each his own. I have little ones to be responsible for, so keeping it clean is a requirement for me now.

If you've been using for a while, a break could be worthwhile as it might offer fresh perspective in time. I hope it works out well for you. Even if you go back, you'll have something to compare it to.

And I like tired you. The less filters, the better. That's why I like to respond most in the morning before the filter of my day takes hold.

@fern46,
Anything I said wasn't meant to be judgmental with regard to using pot; I hope it never came across as that. I have always said to each his own. I too had just found it to increase already heightened attributes of my character. Perhaps it is as you say, "neuroreceptors that seem to be quite sensitive and overactive in my mind", but I am not as versed in the language of what it was, I just new what it did.

I come from Quakers way back, I am not a currently practicing Quaker
Though I have read some about them, and it sounds all good and fine, but I prefer to keep my "spirituality" between myself and whoever, or whatever, is out there. I like to think it keeps is personal and not left up to the interpretation of others.

As well, the land grant I can hold in my hand is a piece of paper. Nothing more. I am sure it is not worth anything. It belonged to my great great grandfather who lived there. My great grandfather headed further west, and though my great great grandfather went west to spend his last day with his son, I am sure the rest of the family had title to it. Just as they started in Vermont, headed to Michigan, and then Washington, all the while leaving some of the family behind in each location. It is just a reminder to me of what can happen to family lineage. Be it the random chance that destroys them, or a degradation over time due to substance abuse, even fat spiders babies can struggle

I have thought at times of trying to track down some of my lineage, but there really is no point. Besides, even if I found them, I wouldn't want to be viewed as someone just trying to find them to gain "something". If I was in a better standing in life, I would try to trace my lineage more, just because it might be cool.

Fern46, I am curious about the "vibrations" you mention. I have, or at least feel I have, let go of the anger associated with my circumstances. While I do feel hopeless about it, I do not feel that I am holding onto negative vibrations. I am open to (hmmm, just having some Déjà vu) the potential for something to align for me. Perhaps my being open to it isn't enough. I just do not how I could muster the belief that it will. Getting back to patterns like Michael said. My thinking is more of, if things don't align well for me in this life, then perhaps in the next. Maybe that will only taint my ability to have the vibrations I need for the next life, if there is one, to be better along with not allowing me to attract the vibrations I need in this one.

Super cute dog!
I was going to post a picture of my 12 year old big black lab mix, but It asked my for a URL when I tried. Not that tech savvy I guess. I recently had to put down my 16 year old dachshund. My big boy doted over that dog so much. Every night he would get a big drink of water and go find his little buddy and lick him all over his face and ears. When the little blind guy would go out on the deck and bark, my 115 pound big boy would go out and stand over him, with the little guy between his legs and stay quiet. Just the visual reinforcement the little guy needed. My big boy doesn't have a mean bone in his body though. I call him the gentle giant. If someone broke into my house he would probably kiss them and give them the grand tour.

No worries. I don't read you as judgemental. He just mentioned I'd be happy he was off pot for a week. I wanted to make sure he knows I'm neutral on it for him even though my instinct is that a break would be beneficial.

As for neuroreceptors... I am not an expert, but imagine that many of the cells work with a basic lock and key system. Various chemicals can interact with them and excite them. THC is a key that fits many of the various neuroreceptors locks. In my case I seem to have a sensitivity to both dopamine and serotonin. THC can interact with the same receptors that are a match for those chemicals.

Generally speaking, it is then wise in my case to eliminate outside factors that excite and/or inhibit those same receptors. I think of it like a science experiment. The more I can do to limit the variables that contribute to my mental instability, the better. That way, I can narrow the offenders down to food, emotions, outside triggers and internal thought patterns as all of those things also interact with the serotonin and dopamine releases within the body.

Both serotonin and dopamine are feel good chemicals. I've learned I'm a positive vibes feel good junkie if you will and too much of a good thing seems to trigger psychosis in me. Live and learn