Trying to be cool.

I am not an idiot. Baby blue and pink bad combo. Ripped jeans OTT.
We all need a friend like Sarah. Blue wicked. Hagrid .
I liked my caps and a bit of colour. If I was wearing Cap I was either not trying to dress up and had bad hair day too. How could I be cool?
I played the recorder in primary school! I wanted to learn a proper instrument. My mum and dad would not have stood for the noise in a small top flat. No garage etc.
So I learned to juggle. It's really good for concentration. And I wasn easily distracted.
When I look back if you hadn't said to me that everyone has a dream. I probably would have killed myself not long after my stint in hospital at 18. I am convinced I would not be alive to day

When my mania started to get carry away with itself, my psychosis could not forget how everyone said I was lazy. In my sports classes I started bouncing around a bit doing footwork between turns while standing in line. After a week or two I went off the idea. I just talked c $#p instead. Like a uni student .
My Aunt said we were as bad as one another for not sitting still. French teacher. I was never compared. I was a nerd and he was popular and cool.
I remember being at a competition waiting for fight and warming up and being told chill for a minute. I was getting so restless. I didn't want to think. Anymore.

You have smaller shoulders than Nairn. Laughs
You make a lot of noise in the shower. Sneers
Damn. I should have wore the shorts and normal tshirt. Madonna making an appearance. I just shrugged it off.
Condensation it's called. Ooh listen to the nerd.
Andy Goram in goals. Do you have a boyfriend. I was listening or eavesdropping . Competitive. You scared of sky? What's the difference?

Multiple teachers said I didn't try hard enough. Coach said I was lazy and a bad influence. Lip music. However my step dad said that I needed to chill more. I was too high strung at home.
My mum called everyone in the house bone idle. Men don't do housework unless you ask them half the time.
I was spreading myself too thin by trying to keep all my balls in the air. I didn't want to give up on my brain and studying. I wanted to grab every chance I could with my sport and I got further than anyone would have guessed. I must have been trying to channel some anger and deep down unease.
I then got a job as well. College, training and work. My boss put me down for overtime without asking. Everyone was expected to do same. My father had just returned to work. Partly thanks to me. Like a slap in the face he would sit with arms folded and eyes closed and would say he worked a proper full time job unlike some and didn't pick the easy way out.
I could have went back to my education anytime. I desperately needed a year out.
I was hungover to the moon one Saturday and Fred answered my phone. I groaned I couldn't be bothered and the boss on the phone overheard me. Was it any wonder I lost motivation? The coach and team mate made fun of me for working in a supermarket. She is in retail herself now. I told her that getting a job in our area is very difficult. It takes luck a lot of the time.

At my four year iob . My boss said that I never complained and got on with whatever was thrown at me. All the younger ones she knew were always gurning. I was not lazy. There was a boss in supermarket that told my gran that I was a good worker. And my first boss was good at evaluating me.

My father being ex army, wanted a kid like himself. I liked to read, draw, listen to music, play computer with friends and just hang out. I didn't have the competitive nature for team games. I didn't mind badminton. I liked liked kick boxing.

I love the outdoors. The Beach and forest walks are amazing in my area. I just wasnt interested in whatever the " burn" was. And pushing myself to run so.hard that threw up and carried on.

Why did I apply for the armed forces? A gauranteed proper career without having to get myself in tens of thousands in debt. I passed the eye test. I passed the written exam.
I can only conceive that the interviewer decided that he did not like the look of me from the start. I would love to know the first thought that popped into his head about me. Not soldier material. Buy I knew they would never accept me because the military can gain access to medical records .I assume? I had been in hospital and I never put it on my form.
He asked what career I had my mind set on and he said that he "thinks" I wasn't intelligent enough for it. He evidently had not seen my results and was going with his gut. I passed and that was good enough for me. He is lucky I did not halt the interview and just leave. When he asked me about the training of 8 eight weeks, I had closed up tight as a clam and I knew it was over so I gave a less than half hearted attempt at recalling one or two things. But being a military officer he said : well granted it is not the worst answer I have heard. I know that it would have been no where near the worst. Even though I didn't apply myself . I don't know why anyone would want to join up if they had no other choice. My Grandfather was orphaned young and my father joined at 15. Their lives obviously lead them there not their heads or desire to be a hero.