Don't like talking about my personal issues with family members

Anyone dislike confiding to family members about personal issues or anything that is bothering them? For me, I dislike it because when I was a lot younger, I was judged for talking about stuff that bothered me and was told to just suck it up. Same thing when I once went through a period of depression. I didn't tell family members but they eventually found from other non-family members. I received a two hour lecture about sucking it up and just thinking happy things when feeling that way. At the end of that conversation, I was asked how I felt.

I actually felt worse but I wasn't about to prolong the conversation so I just told them I felt good. Ever since then, I've been pretty good at putting on a fake front when I'm around them. There has been many times where I'll be feeling depressed or upset and they would have no clue, which is what I want. Has anyone had their family judge them? So basically all my life, with the exception of early childhood, I've hated talking to my family about personal issues. The only thing I will still let them know about is anything medical related.

Otherwise, I don't tell them if I feel upset, sad, depressed, or just going through social problems and self esteem issues. I am way more comfortable and willing to tell close friends about personal stuff but not family members. It is the worst during holidays and any other time when extended family members come and ask me personal stuff. I know it sounds harsh, but just because they are family doesn't mean I want to confide in them. In my opinion, it's none of their business. Anyone else hate it when family members ask you personal information?

Do you feel more comfortable telling close friends and keep a forced happy front when you're around family members? I keep any responses as short and vague as possible especially if they're distant relatives. They don't need to know everything just because we are related. I know it may sound rude and harsh but that's just the way it is in order to avoid judgements. Another reason is because if anything is confided in them, they like passing it on to other family members who really don't need to know. That's why I don't tell anyone, even immediate family members, anything at all. I only tell them good stuff, nothing bad whatsoever.

Absolutely with you there 100%, rdgrad15. Some of my earliest memories are of feeling a great gulf between me and the people who I came to realise were my family. And that gulf, over the years - due to the very kinds of things you mention - became wider and wider, unfortunately.

No, I think the way you're handling your family situation shows great introspect and self-care, tbh.

Also, I'm sorry it's been tough on you over the years, so I want to send you a hug. I appreciated reading your post.

The Skeezyks just keeps it all to himself.

I'm the same way when I'm around family. None of their business since all they would do is judge and spread it around.

Thank you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too. Yeah unfortunately family can actually be the worst enemies. Not sure why but I would speculate it's because, in theory, you're supposed to trust them the most and have their back and vise versa 100% of the time, which is not always true. It's not the case for everyone, but in my experience, talking to a close friend or anyone outside my family, even on this site, is better than talking to my actual family.

That’s why I stayed home from Thanksgiving tonight. I don’t want to constantly be asked “do you want this to eat? Why not? How about some pie?” I don’t feel like it’s any of their business why I’m not eating a lot. And I don’t want to feel the pressure or feel self conscious about it. The only person who fully knows about this is my therapist and my Pdoc but he’s been instructed not to talk to me about it.

Also no means no. In any type of situation. And family members should be the most understanding.

You're welcome, thanks.

Yes, you're right, I've found talking to people of the same 'ilk', if you will, to be the answer, too. Personally, it's taken me a long time to appreciate that - I'm 50 now - but that soul connection I get from opening up to proper kindred spirits, shows me - and I'm talking more philosophically here - shows me that 'family' doesn't necessarily have to mean 'biological family'. Anyway, it's crazy how family members, people of the same flesh and blood, can be so different, though.

Yes, 'trust' - it's important. Boundaries are important. And in some instances, even severing the cord completely is important too - which is what I had to do for my sanity. It's just the way it goes, sometimes.

Totally agree. Yeah family should not pressure and should understand that no means no but that is not always the case unfortunately.

You're welcome and I totally agree. There are friends that may feel more like a close knit family than your actual family does. I think that's pretty common.

I don't talk about my mental illness and its issues to anyone except my therapist, my pdoc, and only a little bit to my husband. Sometimes to a support group if I attend one.


I used to try to talk about my mental health to my sisters. They listened and acted like they cared, but on down the line it came back to me that they thought I was "crazy." Ironically, they bother have and had mental health issues that are major, but would never seek help.

Now I feel very self-protective, and isolated, of course.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Yeah after what your sisters did, I can see why you only talk to a select few about it. I'm the same way, if I'm feeling down or depressed, only a select few will know and none of them will be family members.

Yeah, I learned long ago that my mother can turn anything personal I tell her around to hurt me. So, I am closed off with all my family since I can’t trust them not to tell her.

For example, just lately, I haven’t told them:
1. About my mental health leave for job related stress/anxiety.
2. That I was fired from my job.
3. And, I stopped updating them on the situation I am dealing with regarding the civil unrest here several weeks ago. They haven’t contacted me to ask how my husband and I are doing, so I guess they don’t even care. Sad, but I guess I have to accept it.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Self-care needs to come first.

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Yeah I wouldn’t tell my family any of that stuff. You’re doing the right thing too.

I feel the same as BethRags. Opening up to family really only ever ended-up bringing me disappointment and heartache, as only one individual ever genuinely cared; and the rest used the information to disrespect, undermine, manipulate me, and even to assassinate my character.

There is still such a massive gulf between talking about mental illness, and removing the stigma around it.

I would advise anyone who wishes they could open up to family members to think twice before they do. Family is quite often the LAST PLACE you will find unconditional love, support, and understanding.

It's tragic, but it's the truth.

Oh I totally agree. Families are definitely the last place you want to turn to. Therapists and close friends are way better. Families are way more likely to backstab and spread stuff since they think it’s okay to. That’s why I don’t open up. I don’t trust them. Friends are way better, I even feel better on here than with my family.

My 'family' is a joke. You guys are my family.

Yeah I agree. My family is a joke too. I can’t open up to them and honestly it’s not a good idea to.

I think its natural for us to put a filter on to keep family at bay when we have had past experiences with our families not understanding our emotions and disappointing us. I am very close with my mom and brother and would talk to them if I needed to but not my husbands' side of the family. They give off a vibe of not really wanting to know how you are doing.

Exactly, I totally agree. My family is the same way, they don't really want to know how anyone is doing. It is similar to an interaction between two strangers or even acquaintances where they will ask how you are out of politeness but they really don't want to know if you're upset or something. At most, they only want to know the good stuff. I'm actually more okay with telling them the good stuff but even then I don't divulge too much.

My mom, God rest here really wonderful soul, had this thing where, any time anything kind of hard or, especially, emotionally difficult and raw, would arise, she would stop the conversation and proclaim that: "This is a heavy number."

That meant that the conversation was over. That's how I was raised. No wonder I learned to bottle it all up and chose a profession (surgery) where showing emotion is a huge negative. I was a very good surgeon, if I do say so myself. But it has taken me a long time to become a pretty solid human. I just wasn't given those skills in my youth. I was taught how to achieve. So, that's what I did.

I agree with the open post completely. While my own position on talking about problems is still work in progress I tend to think its not always a good idea to share with others. Most people mean well when they say talk to me and things like that, but do they understand, that is the big issue. They might think they do, but, do any of us understand mental health truly? It is trial and error, sometimes it will work and sometimes it will not. Personally I say nothing to my brother as he has a mild autism condition meaning his awareness is almost non-existent. The shrink I saw when in the psych ward I told very little to and even the T I saw on and off for 6 years I only half told her things.
As for the constant adds on TV and in awareness campaigns about 'Its good to talk' I do understand they mean well, but sometimes it's just not that simple.

Wow, yeah sounds like she didn’t like it when people confided or talked about their feelings to her. My family is like that and I even know people outside of my family that is like that. Unfortunately it causes us to bottle up our emotions.

I totally agree. Yeah a lot of people will say it’s good to share and that they would love it if someone confided in them but then when it comes to it, a lot of them will report how uncomfortable and helpless they felts since it was too much and even caused them to pull away. I’ve accidentally driven people away for a bit when I’ve shared my problems in the past.

Some of they truly were just selfish and not good friends since they only complained and talked about themselves but others just felt uncomfortable. The way I found out is as soon as I stopped sharing stuff and even made it look like I was happy again, they began to be comfortable around me again and talk to me more as if nothing happened.